We all have a past, of course. And it would be difficult to find anyone who has never made a misstep, never had regrets, or who is without a few skeletons in the closet.
To err is human, and we’ve all made mistakes. Something we don’t want to end our lives with is a sense of regret, with words like “If only ...” or “I should have ...” on our lips.
But we may also have to live with the fact that terrible things were done to us, from abuse to financial disasters, and everything between. Too many of us are haunted by our pasts.
To live with a clear conscience and to leave ugly memories behind, there are several things we can do.
1) Accept the past
It happened. What was done to us was terrible, but we need to accept that it happened and not live in denial. The problem with denial is that the old reality eventually creeps back up and negatively affects our lives.
Accept how it made you feel, and accept the pain. It’s not easy to do because pain hurts. But pain fades when we face up to our past.
The spiritual website OneWithNow has some good advice:
“Resisting or questioning how you feel isn’t going to help you. What helps is allowing the pain to go through you. Sit with it and let it be. Cry if you feel like crying; or simply close your eyes and feel the emotions go through your body. You can also channel your feelings through physical movement. Go for a brisk walk, run, do the dishes or clean something.”
2) Seek forgiveness
This can be a real test, but it’s important to know that forgiveness is for ourselves, not for others. If we have done wrong we need to admit it and apologize. Make amends.
It’s the other person’s choice and prerogative whether they forgive you are not. You have no right to be angry with them if they reject your apology. But do it, and mean it if you do. Even if you're rejected, you’ll know you acknowledged the pain you caused, and moving on will be easier.
3) Forgive others
Forgiving others, even if they have not shown regret, is the best gift you can give yourself to live free of past pain. Mahatma Gandhi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
No truer words were ever spoken! Realize the damage done, allow the pain to pass through and don’t deny your pain, then find strength in forgiveness. You will truly find an enormous burden lifted. You need to allow yourself to move on with your life.
4) Forgive yourself
If you have been the perpetrator, rather than the victim of past abuse, guilt can stop you from ever moving forward. You need to kill the guilt that is stopping you from looking to the future.
Peter Field, a British registered psychotherapist and board certified hypnotherapist, talked to the Huffington Post about learning to forgive oneself.
“Guilt, like every other human emotion is feedback, something there to inform and instruct, and when its lesson has been learned then we need to let it go, and move forward in a wiser, kinder way,” he said.
5) Get help
Depending on our past, it may not be easy to just let things go. For some who have faced deep trauma, therapy may be necessary.
Talk it out with a professional who has no connection to your past and who can help you identify triggers that bring the past back in all its ugly glory. Run through your week them, and find the tools you need to move on without always looking over your shoulder.
We can never really face our future with a full heart and a calm, centered mind if we are overshadowed by our past. Recognize pain, acknowledge it, and own it. But then let it go.
Forgive, leave the guilt behind, and honor yourself by allowing yourself a happy future with no ghosts from a past long gone.
Sources:
One With Now.com. “Can You Make Peace with Your Painful Past?” Web. Retrieved March 17th,2015.
http://onewithnow.com/can-you-make-peace-with-your-painful-past
HuffingtonPost.com. Healthy Living. “5 Steps to Letting go of the Past”. Web. Retrieved March 17th,2015.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-field/5-steps-to-letting-go-of-the-p...
Reviewed March 23, 2015
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith