What makes for a lasting relationship, one that stands the test of time, stands against the conflicts and crises of life? You don't have to have ample finances, or robust health or an abundance of opportunities or an expansive support network to stay together long-term.
My husband and I have been married for 36 years. We raised five kids and homeschooled the lot of them at a time when only a handful of other families in our area were doing that. We dealt with poor health and its effects on job prospects and financial security for years.
Sometimes we fit together well, sometimes we didn't get along at all. Some years he was the hero, sometimes I was. Sometimes nobody was.
I think in the early years we didn't have the slightest idea what we were doing. But as time went on, we both learned how to look after the people we loved. We had each others' backs. He would do anything in his power for me. I would do anything I could for him.
In the beginning, we may not have known how to have a relationship that would stand the test of time. But you don't stay together for 36 years and counting by accident. Some decisions and some commitments have been made along the way that are not subject to change.
University of Toronto psychologist Amy Muise and her collaborators wanted to know why some couples stayed together, and how they kept the spark in their relationships alive. In 2013, Muise and her team studied 44 couples who had been together ranging from 3 to 39 years, for an average of 11 years.
An article about their research on Psychologytoday.com described two models about relationships. One is the communal model of a relationship. The other model referred to was the exchange model.
In the communal model, couples stayed together longer. They took care of each other's needs. And couples who had sexual passion for each other seemed to be most willing to put each other first in everyday life.
In the exchange model, partners weigh each others' contributions to the relationship. They operate from a bargaining position rather than from one of being willing to give freely.
You might say a relationship that's an exchange model operates on more of a 50/50 basis, while the communal model means each party is intent on giving 100 percent.
Gary Brown, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, told SELF magazine that a successful long-term relationship evolves from passionate to compassionate love. Compassionate love can go beyond the sexual aspects, into a profound emotional connection to your partner. This is the type of love that tends to stand the test of time.
When the sexual novelty wears off, and as a couple slowly but surely ages, neither partner is out looking for something new.
Based on the research by Muise and Brown, here are some recommendations that can help your relationship alive and well:
1) Put your partner's needs ahead of your own.
Couples in long-lasting relationships that maintain a sexual dimension are willing to sacrifice for each other. This communal model creates an environment where pleasing one another is a great source of pleasure in and of itself. Couples who ranked high in sexual communal strength also had strong sexual desire, even when the relationship was no longer new.
2) Hitting a home run doesn't always have to be the goal.
A long-term sexual relationship can easily fall into a repetitive, familiar rut — er, I mean, routine. Perhaps the electrifying passion of the early days has diminished over time. Instead of being intent solely on the end game, take your time and enjoy the many possibilities along the way.
3) Mix it up.
There's nothing wrong with knowing your lover and what to expect. But getting out of your comfort zone, with the main goal of pleasing your partner, can be satisfying, not to mention illuminating. Try new things. Stretch beyond your usual experiences. Learn to dance. Taste new foods together.
4) Stay connected, every day.
Taking your partner for granted can be an easy pattern to fall into because of the long-term familiarity of your relationship. Don't mistake simply seeing your partner as you both move about through the house for actual contact or connection. Make a point of spending time together every day, even if it's just a few minutes at a time.
5) Ask questions you've never asked before.
You've known each other for a long time. You know their opinions, their favorite meals, nostalgic songs and movie preferences. You know what they think ... Or do you? Don't make the mistake of assuming that you know everything about them.
Go beyond the familiar. Shift gears once in awhile, start conversations that can take you into unchartered territory together.
6) Remember when ...
You have a history, and you have a narrative. If you have a strong relationship, chances are you spend time thinking affectionately about your early days, about a time when things were different. You were both different from how you are now. Nurture the story of how you got together, of what drew you to each other.
7) Do things you used to do.
There were reasons you were attracted to each other. Some of them may have gotten lost in the ensuing years of changing roles and experiences. If you can repeat some of the activities of your early days together, go for it. It may rub off on you both, even — or maybe especially — if your early days were very long ago. Revisit, whenever possible.
Visit Jody's website at http://www.ncubator.ca
Reviewed February 17, 2016
by Michele Blacksberg RN