People tend to demur when asked what makes their long-term relationships work. Every relationship is a work in progress, and most of us are hyper-aware of our shortcomings.
When asked about her marriage, my friend Anna, married 13 years, wrote, “So we live in a 300 square foot studio which is packed with books and yarn (mostly books though). Did I mention it's a 3rd floor walk up? We have three dogs, all with extreme personalities, our combined salaries are half of what the average 26-year-old in our neighborhood earns and my mom asks us weekly ‘when going to move and start living like adults’. We are not ones to give advice on any subject ...”
A woman named Melissa didn't share about her own marriage, but instead told this anecdote about her grandparents, “My dad asked my grandfather how he and my grandma lasted over 70 years together. My grandfather said, ‘Marry a woman like your grandmother. Best woman ever.' My dad then asked my grandmother the same question. She said, ‘It wasn't easy.’”
The best piece of marriage advice I have found impossible to follow is: “Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.”
The worst advice came from the Bible: “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”
In the early years, my husband and I spent a lot of angry nights awake trying to sort things out, a prescription for insomnia. As Mary says in #9 below, we should have just gone to sleep.
The surest formula is choosing well to begin with— choose a person willing to be intermittently unhappy for the sake of long-term happiness, no matter what.
As for what comes after that initial choice, read below for advice from 45 people with over 900 years of commitment among them:
1) Be nice to each other and keep flirting. — Suki, married 23 years.
2) Don’t give up. — Kelly, married 19 years.
3) Love is a commitment to stay rather than a fluctuating emotion. — Cynthia, married 15 years.
4) Don’t be overly sensitive. Don’t take things personally and escalate conflict. Pick your battles. — Bonnie, married 31 years.
5) You need to stay ... physically stay ... barring abuse and or addiction, of course. That is my best advice that someone gave me years ago. Although I don't think a night or two in a hotel once every decade or so is a deal breaker. That is not exactly leaving your husband. It's a time out. With room service. — Kathryn, married 13 years.
6) Focus on the things that you love (or like) about your spouse, not what you don't like. Be loyal, honest, kind, caring, respectful and considerate of each other. Nobody is perfect. Accept each other for who he/she is. — Barb, married 34 years.
7) We both have our own interests and hobbies, yet like reconnecting at the end of the day. We give each other space to be individuals. — Jocelyn, married 37 years.
8) Say “Yes” to the line from from the Opus Dei Examination of Conscience: “By my example and devotion to my family, do I try to make my house a bright and cheerful Christian home?” -Bill, married 52 years.
9) God in the center!! And we don't talk about serious things after 9:30. — Mary, married 21 years.
10) Listen. — Heidi, 5 year relationship.
11) Marry someone you would always be delighted to bump into unexpectedly. — Margaret, married 16 years.
12) Grin and bear it. — Linda, married 50 years.
13) Every day I find a new way of letting her know how pretty I think she is. — Shawn, married 20 years.
14) Be fearful. — Patrick, single 49 years.
15) Enjoy the ride. — John, married 29 years.
16) Do we seem to tolerate the ups and downs on the job better than the ups and downs at home? Don't be on your best behavior at work only to come home and disrespect your partner. Your partner cares more about you than your boss. — Jennifer, married 17 years.
17) God at the center. Let him guide the big and the small stuff. If he is for us, who can be against us?—- Gina, married 20 years.
18) Take everything at face value. — Rachel, married 20 years.
19) Not feeling in love is temporary, love is action; actively love/serve him even when you don't feel like it and the love feelings will be more consistent and very rewarding. — Susan, married 26 years.
20) Love is a commitment to stay rather than a fluctuating emotion. — Cynthia, married 15 years.
21) Remember the promise you have made to each other and to God. Draw strength from the reasons that you once thought this was for a life time. — Annie, married 29 years.
22) Live for your beloved's peace and joy, and wholeheartedly trust God to help you do so. — Asela, married 14 years.
23) Being an adult with compatibility, humor, with somewhat the same interests. — Ila, married 23 years
24) Don't interrupt your partner when he/she is talking. As long as it takes, be patient. Don't interrupt. Try to really listen and not think of what you want to say next. — Maria, 18 years.
25) Support each other in the pursuit of self-actualization, either in education or career, and be partners in raising your family. — Livia, married 45 years.
26) Divorce is not an option, we are committed to each other! It’s not about love! — Beth, married 32 years.
27) Husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands. It's in the New Testament. It works (not that we are the experts or anything, but at least we know the formula). — David and Rita, married 18 years.
28) God is the glue. Putting your spouse before yourself and vice versa has always worked. — Maryann, married 23 years.
29) One must have the heart to forgive over and over. — Rosemarie, married 30 years.
30) Marry someone who loves you a little more than you love him. — Gayle R. , married 16 years.
31) Keep God at the center, remember that marriage is a commitment and always regard each other higher than yourself. — Linda Sue, married 13 years.
32) I have learned to ask myself, is this really going to matter at my dying hour? If not, then let it go ... not worth the tension or stress. — Joanie, married 20 years.
33) What started the relationship and what has kept it going is humor and whimsy and both being versatile in likes and dislikes. And legal documents. — Joan T., 16 year relationship.
34) I tend to laugh at his jokes. Laughter. I think that's it. Or maybe he's just funny. — Clara, married 29 years.
35) Focus on being the best wife/husband you can be, partly because it's the only thing you can control and partly because it inspires your spouse to do the same. — Kerri, married 18 years.
36) Emotional intelligence, date night, and counseling when needed. — Chellie, married 14 years.
37) Have regular date nights, find an extracurricular activity you can do together, compromise and don't sweat the small stuff! — Cathy, married 24 years.
38) We made a commitment and mostly grace from on high! — Pamela, married 30 years.
39) Be less sensitive and look at the big picture. — David and Peggy, married 20 years.
40) Nurture your partner with emotional support. Having the desire to be giving is more important than doing it exactly right. — Val, married 43 years.
41) Really listen to what the other is saying, don't just hear just what you want to hear. — Debbie, married 24 years.
42) We strive to help each other grow, to show pride in one another's accomplishments and be respectful of decisions. And we push each other to move out of our comfort zones. — Kathy, married 28 years.
43) Don't believe marrying someone will change him. — Maria D., married 18 years.
44) Each year we take a vacation together, but also a vacation apart to explore who we are, what matters most in our lives, where we're headed and what our purpose in life is. — Priscilla, married 44 years.
Finally, the best for last, a beautiful motive for choosing, settling down, and persevering:
45) “I will notice you. I will bear witness to your life.” — Joan and Jerry, married 20 years.
What advice resonates with you? Do you have any tips you'd like to share? Let us know in the comments.
Be kind, be committed, and be well.
Edited by Jody Smith