All relationships involve give and take. You may find certain behavior from your partner acceptable, while your friend finds it disconcerting. No relationship is perfect, so how do you know when yours is toxic?
To begin with, domestic violence is a clear sign that you are in a toxic relationship, and you need to pay attention because it can become deadly.
According to the Safe Horizon website, “Two out of 3 female homicide cases, females are killed by a family member or intimate partner.”
Most individuals do not report domestic violence but it would be better if they did. Here is a link to a free hotline if you are in a relationship marked by domestic violence.
Not all toxic relationships involve domestic violence. Here are 55 signs that you might be in a toxic relationship:
1) You set up a private Facebook account so your partner can’t track your activities.
2) Conflict is your partner's middle name.
3) You find yourself editing all of your thoughts and comments, so that they won’t upset your partner.
4) Your partner is micromanaging your time or money or relationships. The person might not be attempting to control all of these areas of your life, but pay close attention to this.
5) You become physically ill whenever you have contact with your partner, or even anticipate having to interact with this person.
6) When you are with others, you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s inappropriate behavior.
7) Alcohol and/ or drugs are abused by your partner.
8) The partner puts you down in front of others.
9) No matter what the situation might be, you find yourself apologizing for the debacle.
10) Your partner is unfaithful to you and denies it when confronted by you.
11) You have a feeling that they are being unfaithful to you, but you lack evidence. You find yourself playing “detective” to try to prove your case.
12) Whenever you are in tears, your partner tells you that you are “too sensitive.”
13) Either someone has told you, or you know it deep down, that you are settling for less in your relationship.
14) You don’t respect your partner as an individual.
15) You find your partner's parenting style and/or skills to be troubling and scary.
16) Your children tell you something is wrong with your partner and they are afraid of them.
17) You find yourself planning an exit strategy to try to leave them.
18) When your best friend asks how things are going, you lie to them about your relationship.
19) You minimize and/ or rationalize your partner’s unacceptable behavior.
20) Nearly every stressful moment you find yourself in somehow relates to your partner.
21) Your partner calls you names.
22) The partner tells you that you will never find anyone else as good, so you need to be grateful to them.
23) In conversations, your partner constantly fishes for a compliment and expect praise from you.
24) Your partner doesn’t compliment you or appreciate you.
25) When you go out of your way to do something, your partner doesn’t thank you.
26) Your partner stands you up and can’t be depended upon to be on time.
27) After you leave your partner’s presence, your self-image is worse.
28) You feel intimidated by your partner.
29) The majority of your time aside from work and caring for your children is spent meeting your partner’s desires.
30) Your partner gives you an ultimatum if you mention breaking up or leaving.
31) You suggest going to couples counseling and your partner refuses to attend.
32) When there is an important event (family, school, social) your partner finds some reason to be absent.
33) You find yourself walking on eggshells whenever your partner is around.
34) Your close friends and family have mentioned their concerns about your partner, but you ignore the comments.
35) You think to yourself, “If the earth opened up and swallowed them up, I’d be relieved.”
36) When you go into your bank account, there is money missing that you can’t seem to track.
37) You realize your partner is having an emotional affair.
38) Your partner constantly undermines your parental authority.
39) You feel most relaxed when your partner is not around.
40) You feel judged by your partner.
41) When someone criticizes you, your partner doesn’t take a stand for you.
42) When you find yourself in a stressful situation, you don’t confide in your partner.
43) You notice that your partner doesn’t pay attention to what you are saying when you are talking.
44) Your partner spends an inordinate amount of time away from you.
45) Your partner has a major career shift or new work situation, and you find out weeks later or from someone else.
46) When there is conflict, your partner refuses to accept personal responsibility.
47) Although your partner may apologize profusely for a behavior or circumstance, they do nothing to change it.
48) Your partner makes promises to others or you and doesn’t follow through on them.
49) You find yourself thinking that you’d rather be working than on a family vacation with your partner.
50) Your partner constantly criticizes your appearance.
51) You are making plans years ahead to leave the relationship when the children are a certain age or you have saved enough money.
52) Your friend files for divorce and you find yourself asking about the legal process because in the back of your mind you know you may do the same.
53) You or your partner has a secret post office box.
54) Your partner refuses to give you the password to an email account.
55) When someone asks you to name your best friend, your partner’s name doesn’t come to mind.
Leaving any type of relationship, no matter what the circumstances, might involve conflict, change and courage. When you do say goodbye they may fill you with guilt.
It may be helpful to find emotionally supportive friends and/ or a licensed therapist. If you have left a toxic relationship, EmpowHER would like to hear from you.
Kristin Meekhof is a licensed master’s level social worker. She is a speaker, writer and author of the book, “A Widow’s Guide to Healing” (Sourcebooks, 2015).
Reviewed March 31, 2016
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith