It's not unusual for the offspring of a troubled relationship to breathe a sigh of relief if their parents get divorced. But some occasions actually get stickier. Mother's Day is a great example of this.
Is your father remarried, or does he have a girlfriend — or more than one? Do you, as an adult offspring, divide up the day? Should you?
Ideally, a child will have double the benefits of having two moms with two different personalities, living situations and relationships. Of course, things don't necessarily work this way.
Every situation is unique, and only you ultimately can decide how to handle it.
Does the thought of seeing either of them upset you? Do not force yourself to do something that is unhealthy for you or for your children.
So long as there is no danger of harm, the main considerations boil down to respect. This focus will help the apparent complications to fall away, and help you to feel confident and secure in whatever you decide.
1) Stay true to the individuals involved.
If you want to do something for Mother's Day for your mom or moms, base your decisions on what you know about each of them, about yourself, and about the history of your relationships.
It's more important to honor them as individuals than to do some traditional thing you know they don't care about.
2) Don't combine tributes for both women into one event.
Big no-no. If you love them (or even just one of them) don't ask them to share a space on Mother's Day.
3) Do all these parents live near you? Can you visit them both that weekend?
Take Stepmom out for lunch on Saturday. Treat Mom to dinner on Sunday. Win-win.
4) Not everyone likes going out on Mother's Day.
Restaurants are so crowded on Mother's Day. They may prefer that you visit them at their homes. Do you have a gift for your mom? Then I'm sure you will also have a present for stepmom.
5) Is one mom nearby, while the other is long-distance?
If one is in town, she's a perfect target for a visit. If the other lives far away, she could be the recipient of a card in the mail, and a phone call or Skype.
Take the mom who lives nearby out for a meal, and use your credit card to have dinner delivered to your other mom's door.
Now. Paradigm shift — What if the mom or stepmom in question is YOU?
Are you aching with the knowledge that at some point your darling children will be going to your ex-husband's house, to give a card or gift, or hugs and kisses to their step-mom?
1) Don't freak out.
Don't make it harder on everyone — including those darling children.
Maybe they will be gone on your special day. Maybe it will just be part of a day, but you're going to have to brace yourself for how you will feel.
Maybe you don't know how you're going to feel and that can make things more scary.
2) The kids are having their own difficulties.
If you can summon all the class you've got, and put a smile on your face while they can still see you, you'll have blessed them with a chance of having a decent time, this year and into the future years.
3) Did you help your kids with their other gift-giving needs and obligations?
If you helped them to get a present for their stepmom, you get extra points for excellence.
Let's move on. What about your ex-mother-in-law? She may now be your ex, but her status as Grandma probably hasn't changed. What can you do to ease a difficult situation?
1) Help your kids learn and show respect, even for some people you may not think too highly of yourself.
Whether your present relationship with ex-Grandma is pleasant or horrific, if you can help your children to honor their grandmother, you may help bring some healing within the family, or at least not make things more fractured.
2) Remember it's all temporary.
This situation, which may feel like the end of the world for you, is also happening in plenty of households across the country.
The first time is often the hardest. Maybe next year will be better. And even if it isn't, remind yourself that it is just one day, one weekend, and you have a whole year before it comes again.