Hello there. This is really awkward for me to say but will give it a go.
So 2 nights ago, I went to bed early and my boyfriend came up like an hour or 2 after me. I was sleeping and I woke up to the bed shaking, i led there still trying to understand what was happening and I had my back away from him so its not like I could see what was happening, although i was sure what was going on. This is the first time I have caught him doing this by the way.
A little info about our relationship:
We have been together 2 years next month so its a pretty long relationship. We are very serious about eachother as we just moved into our very own house and living life pretty nice. When we first met sex was great. We would have it at least once a day and I have a very high sex drive so this was good for me. As time went on the sex would slowly turn to 3 days a week, 2 days... 1 day. once a month... longest we went without sex was about 2 months? We are a young couple! Both 25 years old and I have dropped so many hints to him that I would like to make love with him tonight or tomorrow. He makes up excuses like, We dont have condoms (which to an extent is fair, but there are other things we can do that does not involve intercourse) or the fact we were living with my mother for the duration of our relationship, and he thought it was awkward to do anything with her being around. Which again is a legitimate response, however my mother is an outgoing person. She is constantly on holiday, or constantly working so we have the house to ourselves a lot yet nothing happens. Im lucky if I get it once every month at this point.
Im currently overweight, by overweight i mean 300 pounds. (Im a very known plus size model) Im not proud of my weight honestly and im trying to make a change to better myself, however my boyfriend began the relationship with me at this current weight. He does however try to motivate me to go to the gym or go for a run or a walk, and I am starting to believe maybe he just dont find me attractive anymore because of my weight? I ask him if he loves me, if hes happy with me, and if hes not i ask him if he would tell me and to all of these questions he responds with yes.
Our relationship to an outsider is the perfect relationship because we do make eachother very happy we are the best of friends and also lovers but I am really concerned that he is jacking off to women on his phone in bed while I sleep.
When I woke up I turned around to face him pretending to still be asleep to see what he would do next, and he got up out of bed covered his crotch area, and weirdly went downstairs to "use the bathroom". I got up at the same time to use the bathroom upstairs and he hears me walking around and seems very tense and on edge, he shouts up the stairs, "what are you doing" "why are you up?". Kinda like he was maybe expecting to finish his act downstairs and come to bed afterwards. However i sleepily said "Im just using the bathroom" and he stormed upstairs knowing i was awake and went to the bedroom in a really bad mood, almost like I killed the mood kinda thing.
He laid there in silence with me and I dabbled saying it for about 10 minutes until I finally said "Did you have a nice wank then?" and to which he replied huh?? I had an itch. And i said yeah, Okay. if you say so. The thing is, the bed was shaking so much it was obvious it wasnt down to an itch. He then went on to say, I have a itch and i was just pushing the foreskin back and forth because it feels nice and relaxes me. To be honest at this point i kind of believed him and to be completley honest, the thought of him masterbating does not really upset me that much, because as long as its over our love making it is kind of okay? So i said "I dont mind you masterbating next to me, it is kind of hot." And he was still like "I wasnt doing that!" We laughed it off and I said, so what were you thinking of? Hoping he was going to say me, or something about me, or something about us. And he said "Oh nothing, it was just some random asian girl" And i led there in silence. And i had to fight back the tears because I would never be able to think of anyone sexually other than him because he is my entire world, he is my life and all i need for the rest of my life so this really devastated me.
I led there in silence and put my back to him just taking in what I have just witnessed and what I have just heard, he seemed to be relaxed again and started to talk to me. I said to him, "i dont understand why you'd do that right next to me though considering I am literally desperate for any attention from you sexually.
He then starting talking about his "itch" and how it could be good to put his crotch in my chest area, and so fourth. Which is weird because he never really talks "dirty" to me. I was very silent and he just got ontop of me and started to kiss me, even though i was very upset I love him and so I get carried away and we end up having sex. For the first time in hmm, 2 months.
After the encounter it was weird because we both were silent... we didnt say anything to eachother. not even a goodnight. He just fell asleep, and well.. i laid there and cried for about 30 minutes. Googling stories similar to my own to see if this was a "normal" occurrence. I couldnt take it anymore so I woke him up and I said. "I just want you to know, I will never be okay with you getting off to other women while you are in a relationship with me. I will never be able to accept that just the same as you will never be able to accept it if the tables were turned with me. " I then went on to tell him that I was very hurt that he was not masturbating over me, and honestly re writing this is making me cringe so hard but I really did believe it would of been over me. I do understand guys have urges but i did take offense that the girl that he was wanking over was a very thin, asian girl. Basically the absolute opposite of me. It makes me think, Is he really happy with me? He says to me, if he wasn't happy with me he wouldn't of went in to this house with me, He would go back home (switzerland) and be with his family. I just dont know what to think anymore....