My husband was diagnosed at the age of 47 with stomach cancer. He had his entire stomach removed along with some of his esophagus, intestines, spleen and 12 lymphnodes. He had 5 weeks of radiation and 6 weeks of chemo. Because the cancer had spread outside of his stomach the doctors gave him about a 20% chance of living a year. It has been now 8 years and the cancer has not returned but he has been left with a life of extreme difficulty. But instead of looking at the incredible gift of a second chance of life he just sees what he doesn't have anymore and he wants to blame everthing and everyone for the life he has now. He struggles to maintain 90 lbs. and he is in pain from scar tissue built up inside of his surgical area and eating anything more than soup or other liquids ends up coming back up. So with all these difficulties how could I find myself hating him. He will never get better nor will he try to drink the high protein drinks that may help him gain weight. He is on pain killers to help with his chronic pain but I know they do not help with his mental health. He will not see a counsellor because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS GOING THROUGH! And here is where I am in my hopelessness, anger, frustration and extreme loneliness. Knowing he will never get better but he may linger in this chronic condition for possibly years terrifies me. There is a horrible lonliness living with someone who is no longer there for you. He has become selfish, angry and critical of EVERYTHING I do even though it is me doing everything. I have a small business so I have employees with all their demands and problems. I pay all the bills but because of Amazon now he can spend money on things he doesn't need and I end up with the debt. I've talked to him about it but because he's convinced he's going to die soon he has the right to spend the money. Then he just doesn't speak to me for days because how could I be so cruel. He acts like he doesn't give a shit about me anymore. He never hugs me or kisses me except on the odd occasion it hits his fancy. He stays up all night playing xbox and watching DVD's bought with my money. I sleep alone now and listen to podcasts to feel some connection with other human beings. He snaps at me for absolutely nothing. Where I park, what lane I drive in, if I break a dish or if something goes missing even if it's his he goes completely silent for days thinking I threw it out. When he realizes it wasn't me he doesn't even apologize. He embarasses me in front of friends and family with petty remarks and then reminds everyone how ill he is so it's not his fault how he behaves. I now avoid going to dinners, parties, events or pratically anything because of his behavior. My circle of friends has shrunk to a very small group. I have had friends tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and think how he feels. I now make up stories to my friends that I a so busy with other plans I have to decline their invites and then I go home to a grumpy, empty little human being. I find myself becoming a recluse and finding solice only in movies, books and my three little dogs. I think of suicide often so I don't have to live this pathetic life anymore. I had a friend whose husband recently passed away and I found myself being so envious of her. She is free to live her life on her terms now. I could leave him but I don't know how. We have been married for 27 years and I took those vows of love seriously. He use to hold my hand everytime we drove in the car or when we walked. He now walks ahead of me like I'm not there. We have a beautiful community hall behind our house and all summer long I watch new couples taking their vows on the lovely gardens and I sometimes scream silently inside my head....."Remember.. "In sickness and in health and for better or worse"! I could go on and on but I will stop now. I just don't love him anymore. Thank you for listening.