Healthy boundaries are key to a healthy marriage. When you have healthy boundaries, you have a good sense of who you are, and who your spouse is, and where the boundaries between you are.
Healthy boundaries are a good life skill for all aspects of your life, not just your marriage. Good boundaries influence your decisions, and how you relate to other people. They also steer you on the path of keeping your personal space protected, and being sure you don’t encroach onto other’s personal space.
So just how can you apply this to your relationship with your spouse? Here are 10 steps to setting healthy boundaries in marriage.
1. Give Each Other Space
Everyone needs a little personal space sometimes. It can be as elaborate as your partner having a den for watching their favorite movies, while you have a craft room you retreat to. Or it can be as simple as making sure each of you gets time out with your friends, or half hour of uninterrupted time to enjoy a bath or play your favorite game.
2. Learn To Listen
Listening is an important part of setting boundaries. When you learn to listen to your partner, you’re respecting their feelings and their emotional boundaries. Practice listening without judgment and letting them have their say, uninterrupted.
3. Make Agreements – And Stick To Them
Marriage means teamwork and a combined effort in terms of finances, housework, and childcare. Sit down with your partner and decide on who is responsible for what. Figure out a division of labor that you are both comfortable with. Once you’ve made agreements, show respect for your spouse by sticking to them.
4. Trust Your Spouse
If you’re constantly quizzing your spouse about where they’ve been, or reminding them to do tasks, you’re giving them the message that you don’t trust them. Of course if you have genuine reason to be suspicious, the healthiest thing to do is to have an open discussion with them about it. Other than that, trust your spouse and don’t tread on their boundaries by prying.
5. Ask, Don’t Assume
Part of having healthy boundaries is making sure your spouse has the right to assert their own boundaries. That means always asking, and never assuming. Say for example you want to book a vacation – don’t just assume where your spouse would like to go, ask them. Or if you’re picking up something from the take-out, or you want to start a home DIY project. Always ask their opinion instead of assuming you already know it.
6. Make Time For Yourself
Time for yourself means you have the time and space to know yourself better and get more familiar with your wants, dreams, and likes. Better self knowledge is a vital part of setting healthy boundaries, because it means you are coming from a space of strength and confidence. Schedule “me” time each week to recharge your batteries and replenish your boundaries.
7. Be Mindful Of How You Speak
Cruel speech is a violation of your partner’s boundaries. You both have the right to be spoken to with respect and kindness, even if you’re in a rough patch. Be thoughtful about the words you choose when you speak to your spouse, and keep in mind their right not to be insulted or attacked.
8. Don’t Speak For Your Spouse
Your spouse has the right to make their own decisions and share their own opinions. Respect their boundaries by resisting the urge to speak for them. If a friend asks you both to dinner, tell them thank you but you need to check in with your spouse first. If a colleague asks for help moving out of their apartment, ask your spouse before making a commitment on their behalf.
9. Respect Their Property and Privacy
Cultivate a sense of respect for your partner’s property, and privacy. That means treating their possessions with the same care you would treat your own, and asking before borrowing something. Yes, even when you’re married! Respect their privacy, too – never read emails or look at phone messages.
10. Take Responsibility For Your Feelings
Making another person responsible for your feelings isn’t good for your boundaries, or theirs. Instead, make sure the responsibility for your feelings lies solely with you. If you’re having a bad day or you’re frustrated with your work life, don’t make it your partner’s job to make you feel better. Handle your own feelings and needs. Of course you can ask for help and support, but you’re still ultimately responsible.
Healthy boundaries provide the framework for a healthy marriage(https://www.marriage.com/advice/marriage-fitness/ ). A little shift in your boundaries can have wide ranging positive effects.