Trigger warning: Sexual assault, anxiety, depression.
You want to have a good relationship with sex. Scratch that -- you want to have a great relationship with sex. You want to own your own body, feel good and be empowered by the amazing feelings associated with sex. This is the first step to healing after sexual assault or trauma; a desire to take back your body and have a positive relationship with it.
Sex after assault is nothing short of retraumatizing. I can’t sugarcoat it. The body remembers scars the mind has long forgotten. Sex can serve as a trigger with flashbacks, causing anxiety and deepening depression. This is why trauma therapy prior to exploring sex again is vital, and why making sure your sexual partners are with people you trust is so important.
I became sexually active about a year and a half after I was date raped. It was with my husband, whom I of course trusted, and unfortunately, for over a year sex was not a positive experience for either of us.
Despite trauma therapy, my body carried memories linked to intercourse, which resulted in extreme pain during sex, guilt and anxiety. It may also have been related to trauma induced endometriosis. My partner, while a wonderful and understanding person, did not know how to handle my body’s reactions to intimacy. Unfortunately, because we were both clueless at this newfound trigger caused by intercourse, our sex life took a drastic toll. He was too afraid to even try and touch me, wounded by seeing my pain, and I was ready for the battle and focused on a victory. It wasn’t a productive combination.
Knowing what I know now, there are some precautionary measures I encourage all survivors to take before sexual activity:
Sex Therapy
I went to trauma therapy for a sexual assault. This helps victims process trauma and remember it as a distant memory. Sex therapy, however, focuses more on the body. Several pieces of a person are traumatized during an assault, and before having sex again, make sure you are putting proper time into healing your mind, body and in some cases, heart.
Read The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
A book for anyone who’s experienced any kind of trauma, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s highest esteemed experts on trauma, uses recent scientific evidence and data to explain how trauma is linked to the body and mind. Reading this book helps victims both understand why their body is responding in a certain way while also validating their experience. It also explores treatments and gives hope.
Be Honest With Your Partner
Sex alone is personal; sexual assault even moreso, and I get that. However, communicating your past with a partner you trust will help the overall experience. It is a way to take preventative measures. Had I not shared with my partner why certain actions or words triggered me, I likely would’ve felt more isolated in the process. My mindset in telling my now husband about my trauma (which I chose to do very early on, before we were even in a committed relationship) was this: I don’t want there to be any surprises for either of us. This is something that’s happened to me, and I need to make sure I’m with someone prepared to be there for me if hurts didn’t quite heal. Communicating with a partner puts your safety first. Had I known what I know now, I would have familiarized myself with the likelihood of sex related triggers and discussed these with my partner as well.
Remember You Can Always Say No
It doesn’t matter if the lube is out, clothes are off and other sexual activity has taken place. If you realize at any point that you are not ready, you can say “no.” While this is advice for anyone with any sexual history, not just survivors, survivor guilt could kick in and tell you to just “get it over with.” You don’t have to have sex until you are ready to have sex. End of story. Going through with something you’re not enthusiastically consenting to, especially after assault, could result in new triggers and put a dent in your healing.
Be Patient with Yourself
Do I consider myself “healed”? Yes and no. I am self aware of where I am still wounded and I make sure to take the right steps to correct lines of thought that aren’t healthy. Some words still give me moderate anxiety and are linked to my sexual assault. Every now and again, I’ll be feeling myself and then the thought of a man looking in my direction will give me an overwhelming sense of dread. I may have to deal with this infrequent anxiety for many years to come, possibly the rest of my life. I am still sometimes triggered, even by small and unexpected things. I have accepted this. Some smells might stick with you. Some words might just hit differently now. Becoming frustrated with your personal triggers won’t ease you through them. Recognizing and processing the trigger will.
Sex styles, tastes and turn ons change for everyone, regardless of history with sexual assault. Your journey in finding peace of mind may be a tough one, but you’re worth it. A positive relationship with sex is possible.