Communicating With Your Partner

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Positive communication is crucial if you are going to have smooth transactions with other people. This is true, whether those people are coworkers, doctors, sales clerks, or friends. Out of all those dealings, even the ones with close friends, are relatively uncomplicated compared to the ongoing back-and-forth that goes on between husbands and wives throughout the course of a marriage.

Good communication is at the heart of every marriage. It is the only way to let your partner know how you feel and what you need at any given point in time. Waiting around for your partner to read your mind will not work. There is only one way to make your marriage work and where your needs and expectations are met and that is to communicate!

Some tools that can help you and your partner have a more fulfilling relationship along with effective communication include:

Understand How You Talk To Each Other
A spouse’s choice of words and tone of voice reveal much about how she/he feels about her partner and her marriage.

Sharpen your listening skills- active listening is an important skill in any relationship. It is a technique that marriage partners can do to make sure they are being heard. After you have expressed a need or a feeling to your partner, ask him to repeat back what you just said, until you are satisfied that you have been heard. It is not necessary for your partner to repeat back your exact words, as long as he understands the substance of what you said. This really helps provide emotional sustenance, the feeling you get when someone you love is truly listening to you. This kind of communication makes you feel valued, supported and connected. It deepens the intimacy between you and your partner.

Recognize the Impact of Conversational Pacing Differences
Married couples sometimes have difficulty communicating because of clashes in how they talk. One partner talks in a quiet, slow and thoughtful manner. The other partner is much louder and forceful with rapid delivery. There is no right or wrong to conversation style. It only becomes an issue when couples complain about different styles of communication. Conversational pacing is a personality feature. The goal is to help the couple acknowledge and accommodate to one another’s pace before these differences interfere with their ability to solve problems.
-Identify and verbalize your own styles.
-Recognize the impact your pacing differences have on each other.
-Appreciate what is positive about your differences.
-Work at modifying your behavior.

Understanding the Importance of Negotiation in Marriage
The way couples discuss and negotiate their disputes is as important as whether or not those disputes actually get resolved. However the dispute gets resolved, it is important for each spouse to feel understood and respected. When issues are discussed in an environment where both partners feel free to speak their minds without fear of being judged or put down, the lines of communication are strengthened, even if the argument is not resolved your way.

Some win-win negotiations to marriage include:

Separate personalities from issues.

Always communicate with “I” statements rather than “you” statements. By using “I” statements to express needs and expectations, it makes it easier to communicate your positions well. Saying “I feel” means that you are talking from your own feelings and expectations. Statements like “you always do this” or “your problem is" are likely to be received as accusations which in turn make your partner defensive, and block further communication.

Do not mind read or analyze your partner.
Most people do not like to be told what they are thinking or feeling. Give your partner the opportunity to express his own thoughts and feelings. Try and work on being a better listener.

Concentrate on finding mutually acceptable solutions.
For a marriage to work well, partners should try and develop a large area of agreement as to the common goals of their relationship. This mean that neither partner can always get everything he or she wants when differences arise. A mutually acceptable solution will always take both parties needs into consideration leaving them feeling like they have reached an agreement.

Let go of the need to win or prove that you are right.
Do not look at your negotiation as a game where one partner has to lose for the other partner to win. What you want is an outcome where each partner feels that there has been a fair amount of give and take on both sides.

Be aware that your partner’s needs may not be the same as yours. For example, make it a point to find out how your spouse likes to be treated on certain special days. The way you and your spouse communicate love and affection is often a function of comfort and personal style.

Some tips to help express your love and devotion to your spouse include:

Make Your Partner King or Queen for a Day
Let them call the shots. If she wants to have a birthday dinner with a friend whom you don’t care for, smile and take charge of the preparation.

Respect your partner’s attitude about touching and physical contact. Some people are private and do not enjoy public displays of affection. Other people enjoy hugging and kissing out in the open. These preferences come down to what makes you feel good. It is important to always remember that there is another person to think about.

However you decide to maintain your marriage, try not to ever stop maintaining open and caring communication with each other.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.