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I recently shared an article, (Relationship 911: What I Learned from Marriage Counseling) related to my "lessons learned" from counseling seven years ago, and thought it would be interesting to ask my husband what he learned from these same sessions (and share with his permission!).
He said at the time, he was reluctant to go, but today has fond memories of our counselor; he said the counselor "brought the zen to counseling" for many reasons. He asked difficult and thought-provoking questions. He nodded, listened, waited in silence for us to talk without interjecting his philosophy. My husband said it was worth going through several therapists to find this one person whom he trusted, and felt challenged by. Primarily, my husband said he did not feel singled-out as the person who is doing "everything wrong and needs to change and improve", as he feels most therapists do with guys.
Here are the top 5 lessons learned from my husband (that he still uses and finds relevant today):
1. Don't drone on trying to replay the "he-said-she-said" in a disagreement. The only reason to do this is to prove either who's right, or who has a better memory. Neither are worth the end result, as someone loses and no one is closer to a resolution. The argument will resurface again, and this may be where chronic unresolved issues come from.
2. Take time to find the right therapist. My husband had been to a few counselors with a previous relationship, and he disliked every single one of them. Either they sided with "her", or told him "lame psycho-babble" with generic phrases such as, "I'm giving you tools to succeed...". He either felt like he was just talking to some guy at the bar who repeated cliches, or to someone who liked to hear themselves talk without really listening and getting to know him. He felt boxed into a a stereotypical "male" role that did not fit.
3. Communicate openly. Don't hold in your thoughts and feelings; learn to trust the other person. Developing trust is important early in the relationship, so you can communicate without fear. Also knowing that your thoughts and feelings will be received well by the other person is important, as if they are micromanaging your every word, you will second-guess your need (or the energy it takes) to share.
4. Agree to give each other an out. It's kind of like "saving face", where you get a second chance to say what you meant to say originally, and can choose words that are better received. Basically, my husband said he figures out his emotions as he's talking about them, and it is nice to have a "do over" if a hurtful word comes out that was not intended. It gives him the trust in communicating that I won't stick to every word and correct/lecture him; he can feel understood with the overall message and not walk on eggshells choosing every word perfectly. My husband wants to have his feelings and emotions acknowledged, empathized with and deeply understood just as much as I do.
5. Be curious. Don't assume you know what the other person is thinking, because you are probably wrong in your assumption. Ask what the other person is thinking or feeling, or why they did something in a particular way. Being curious means asking and wondering more, instead of shutting down or fixing.
We both feel that "being curious" positively impacted our relationship and communication styles for the past seven years, and we hope it will continue for decades to come.
I would love to hear from any men who have been to couples counseling---what were your lessons learned that made the most positive improvement in yourself and/or in your relationship?
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