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We've watched 'What Not To Wear' and have slowly begun collectively tossing our overalls forever and never, ever buying plastic belts, no matter how neon, gold or skinny-jean oriented they may be. However, when it comes to what not to do, particularly when it comes to ex lovers, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends or partners, we're still stuck in the Eighties, hopelessly clinging to our big hair and spandex. It's really, truly, time to upgrade.
One mistake most women make when it comes to their ex is keeping the door open for a good continuing relationship. If there are children involved, this may be necessary - or at least a type of civility may be necessary; but real, true, honest to goodness friendship is really, and yes, I'm apologizing in advance to the BFF breakers up here, not a great idea.
The complications that arise when the new love interest comes upon the situation are not savory. They stink, in fact. Not to mention the triangulation and (yes, metaphorical) strangulation which may occur if the new flame is friends with the old and so on. This is your life and, while it is utopian and lovely to want us "all to just get along" remaining tight with the old bed buddy is not a good boundary; at least not until a year or even more have gone by and the memories are as faded as that old shirt of his you definitely do NOT have hanging still, in your closet.
Another thing to stop doing immediately is actually sleeping with your ex. This may seem outlandish due to the fact that so many of us continue to have intimate relations with our exes and then tell so many people it's not true that we begin to believe it ourselves. While it may feel good, comforting, hot and even theatrical to continue to sleep with your ex while you are not in a real relationship, it is something akin to stripping a wound of its tender scab over and over again...healing is without question not taking place in this situation. Instead, go solo or safely try on a new pair of leather shoes. Safely try on a new pair of pants. Safely date. Someone other than your ex, of course. See friends, take up hobbies you'd left behind, go on vacation.
Limiting contact may hurt, may feel wrong, may even make you feel you're not a nice person for shutting him out With all sincerity, taking this space, both mentally and physically is an incredible step toward finally breaking up. Letting go is hard, but necessary if there is going to be room in your life for an evolving you, and possibly your new partner.
Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer and special education high school teacher who lives, writes and teaches in CT with her family.
Add a Comment71 Comments
I know its kind of childish, but I really feel like doing some nasty things to my ex (without him knowing about it). Nothing serious, just something to make him feel worse. All kinds of creative and easily implemented ideas are welcome!
May 8, 2010 - 10:23pmThis Comment
I think I have to agree with the above post. Relationships come and go and that's life. Can't we all just get along and stay away from trying to black ball other people?
May 7, 2010 - 11:45amThis Comment
Yeah, it's not good to leave the door open if you've already settled that you're done with the relationship. But on the other hand you also don't want to burn any and all bridges because that can really hurt a person. The ideal mix is to be adult about a breakup. This is better for everybody in the long run.
May 7, 2010 - 10:39amThis Comment
This is clearly written from a vantage where breakups are not usually (and honestly) mutual, and from the light skimming, also written to the same. I have good friendships with my ex-girlfriends from the last 10 years, and aside from the jealousy and trust issues that need to be navigated with the current, they were originally and are still some of my closest friends. I don't abandon friends who need my help or smile. I do agree about the sex through, the more attached of the couple, or the more respondant to physical contact will likely be hurt.
May 7, 2010 - 2:06amThis Comment
I think this is completely false, and it's sad that this article is written as propagating good advice. Why on earth would you want to completely sever ties with someone you shared so much of your life with. You can't burn bridges in life, it's the easiest way to end up cold, depressed, and alone when you are old. Yes, stop sleeping with them. And, yes, stay firm that your relationship is over. But there are real reasons to end a relationship, ones that both parties will eventually come to acknowledge if given enough time to examine, think about, and even talk through the situation. If one party can't get over it, at least you can sleep at night with the knowledge that you left the door open for a friendship. Losing someone you shared so much with because you are not a big enough person to believe in your decision to break up and act accordingly is one of the greatest human tragedies.
April 29, 2010 - 1:30pmThis Comment
Well, sometimes completely severing ties is the only way to keep one's sanity - or even safety. Being stalked, threatened, abused, whether physically or mentally, are not exactly things I think can be "talked through." This advice is obviously not for everyone, because everyone's situation is different, but that does not make it "absolutely false." There are good reasons why people break up, and not every relationship is salvageable. Sometimes people were just not meant to be together, and that includes being friends.
May 11, 2010 - 7:43pmThis Comment
Hello,
My name's Robert, and I've been divorced for several years now. My ex and I get along much better now than we ever did while living together.
We've both moved on in our romantic lives, but we remain great friends. She's due to have her first child soon, and I've been asked to be the child's godparent. There is no weirdness between her new husband and I. In fact, we get along quite well. She goes shopping with my current girlfriend. Everything works.
It's not like this happened overnight; it took work on both our parts. But it is possible. I personally think it worked out because even though we both have very different living styles (there's a reason we got divorced), we both have great respect for one another's abilities and accomplishments, and we never lost that, even at our worst.
Just wanted to chime in. :)
April 24, 2010 - 9:33pmThis Comment
I totally agree with all of this, my boyfriend dumped me a few months ago and I just stopped talking to him. I don't talk to him. He wanted to stay friends but I knew that wouldn't be wise. I've never had such an easy break up.
April 24, 2010 - 2:33pmThis Comment
Here's what one admirable lady did to get over her cheating husband: She learned how to tango. http://www.bookpod.org/dancing-out-of-the-night/
April 18, 2010 - 9:22pmI think just keeping moving helped clear her head, and helped her learn how to say "no" when it really counted.
This Comment
Really. Couldn't fit that all on one page?
April 16, 2010 - 11:51amThis Comment