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How do you respond to your partner's gentle criticism regarding your relationship? Are you able to actively listen, without drowning in hurt feelings, or secretly ruminating about the discussion in your head? Soliloquies, or talking to yourself and not your partner about a relationship problem, can wreak havoc on the sustainability of a relationship, as avoiding simple problem-solving techniques may compound the original issue and create more complex problems.
1. Listen with intention. Listening to the message behind the words is important, and leads to effectively understanding what the person is thinking and/or feeling. Active listening involves "listening without expectations" of what will be said, how it should be said, the motive behind the words and without judgment.
2. Respond to criticism with empathy: When someone criticizes you, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you. (Source: How Stuff Works: Communication Skills)
3. Don't expect perfection. It is a stereotype, but many women are more effective at communicating emotions compared to their male counterpart. Don't get "hung up" on his choice of words, or correct his semantics. It is not all on his shoulders to word everything perfectly; he will never achieve perfection. It is both of your responsibility to listen and respond with love and respect, and understand the meaning behind the (albeit, misguided) words. Ask for clarification if something comes out as hurtful; chances are, it was a poor choice of words, as he is trying to identify his own emotions while verbalizing them to you.
4. Own It!: Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong, or at least acknowledging some of the blame. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict, it helps to diffuse the emotions by actively looking for what is your "fault". It also helps to give each person an out, and not make them feel sorry for taking some blame. It takes courage, and maturity, to see the role you may have played in the situation. Better yet, taking some blame (when it is yours to take) can "inspire the other person to respond in kind" and help you both find mutual understanding and eventual resolution. (Source: How Stuff Works: Communication Skills)
5. Show appreciation. To be a committed, empathic, intentional and thoughtful listener is to demonstrate a high degree of respect for your partner. Good communication is not about allowing your relationship to just exist, it is about being authentic about saying what you mean, and listening thoughtfully and compassionately to what is spoken.
“...the mind is the most important sex organ, the skin is the largest sex organ, and communication is the most crucial sex act.”
(excerpt from Our Intimate Relationships)
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