“I never said that!” and “You’re remembering it wrong!” are common phrases used by couples when discussing past arguments. There is a reason why couples remember fights differently, and it all has to do with interpretation.
Research done by Dr. Michael Ross, Professor Emeritus in the Psychology department at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, showed that during fights couples tend to remember what they felt at the time of an argument rather than what was actually occurring.
“You may recall something differently at least in part because you understood it differently at the time,” said Ross in an interview with The Wall Street Journal.
According to a study from the The Journal of Behavioral Assessment in the 1980s, men and women disagreed about past events to such a degree that some couples couldn't completely agree on whether or not they had sex the night prior.
When tested for memory, women and men are equally able to remember past events, but are much more likely to remember the things they personally did and said rather than what their partner said or did. Rather than thinking about what a partner wants or needs out of the disagreement, the individual is more likely to be concerned with their wants due to an egocentric bias.
Another important factor in how a person remembers an argument is the mood of the individual, both during the fight and when recalling it later. If a person is in a negative mood when remembering a fight, they may remember it more negatively than it really was, and vice versa.
In conjunction with negative mood, those who lose an argument are more likely to remember it more clearly than the person who won. Women are more likely to lose arguments with their male partners, which is why they more often recall what has been said or done during fights.
Recalling past memories later on can change the way that they are interpreted. What you are remembering could just be your most recent version of the event, rather than what actually transpired.
When discussing old fights with your significant other, pay attention to how they interpreted the event, as this can give you more insight into exactly how they were feeling at the time and how they interpreted the situations. Although the two of you may recall situations differently, it does not mean that either is attempting to lie or create themselves in a false light.
It is necessary to avoid getting caught up in the details of an event, but rather focusing on the general idea of what had happened. Instead of recalling a negative argument with your partner, reminiscing about something good that happened in your relationship can bring out collaborative memories, ones that you both can agree upon and celebrate throughout your relationship.
Sources:
The Wall Street Journal, July 20, 2015, “‘But You Never Said...’ Why Couples Remember Differently”
http://www.wsj.com/articles/but-you-never-said-why-couples-remember-diff...
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Cosmopolitan, July 20, 2015, “The Real Reason Why You and Your Boyfriend Remember Fights Differently”
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a38406/the-real-reason-why-you...
Reviewed July 22, 2015
by Michele Blacksberg RN