I recently noticed an interesting and confusing phenomenon. Perhaps it’s because I am just out of college and people my age want to hang on to the vestiges of university romances, but it feels like a large percentage of the people I meet are in long-distance relationships. I’m both intrigued and disturbed by this. What is it about long-distance that has suddenly become sexy to young people? Do we truly believe that services like the Internet and smart phones have made long distance more tolerable? Do we thrive on the promise of sexual tension? Do we crave the opportunity to “really get to know each other’s personalities?” Or is long distance simply a context that allows us to more easily cheat? Perhaps all of the above are true.
In any case – there are some important things to note about trekking through the often painful and always confusing wasteland of cross-country (or inter-country!) dating. I won’t waste time suggesting that thoughtful communication with your partner is the most essential ingredient to your survival, because this point is common sense. Similarly, I won’t take up space advising you to focus on balancing your life to make meaningful time for a far-away lover and local friendships, giving each realm of your life the attention, effort and love they deserve. I certainly won’t assume you need to be reminded that patience and compromise are crucial frameworks for enhancing your locationally-challenged relationship, or that equal parts of active listening and self-reporting in conversations will limit frustration or misunderstanding. And obviously, I won’t begin to mention the absolute necessity of maintaining an open mind toward your partner, toward the situation, toward the future and toward alternative paths – I don’t want to bore you.
So let’s bring it back to what we do best – sex (or at least the next best thing):
It’s time to re-invent your concept of phone sex. Suppress your brain’s immediate urge to conjure trashy 1990s-era images of scantily dressed women whispering pick-up lines into a phone. There are now much better ways to reflect what phone-sex truly is: an exercise in listening, in story-telling, and in becoming comfortable with your own sexuality.
Phone sex generally involves describing your surroundings, movements, feelings and desires to a partner. You paint a 3-D picture with words, offering your partner insight into your body’s needs from afar. It can be a cooperative experience, recounting a shared moment from the past or outlining a future endeavor, or it can simply be a monologue, whether of your own creation or from a read-aloud of someone else’s sexy story.
Whatever method of oral narration you choose, this exercise requires that you be conscious enough of your own body – specifically your erogenous zones – to describe them to another person. This can help them (and you!) become more comfortable with the names of body parts, the explanations of sexual contact and the practice of requesting stimulation. These conversations are prerequisites and enhancers of healthy sexual interaction whether near or far. Knowing how to ask for what you need is a great sex skill, and a huge step in becoming competently intimate. Thus, phone sex is a great way to have a good time and lay the groundwork for upcoming sexcapades, as well as build feelings of empowerment and self-esteem.
Phone sex is best when paired with manual solo-stimulation, an action that deserves its own column. Stay tuned for a discussion of masturbation, whether all on your own, or with a far-away audience on the line.
Hang in there, long distance-ers! And please offer your own advice below!