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Women's Internalized Oppression: Undermining Your Own Sexuality

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"Slut!"

Like children telling stories about a scary old man, women criticize each other's sexuality - from a safe distance.

"Slut!"

It's hit and run.

"Slut" is what women call a woman who is "too" sexual. It's someone who can enjoy sex without being in love. Someone who admits she enjoys sex more than a woman "should." In other words, it's a woman who can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to.

"Look at her, all over him. Is she even wearing a bra? God, anyone can tell what's on her mind...what is she, a nympho?"

But there are costs to this sisterly vigilance. Aware that others will be judging them, it makes women wonder if they're withholding their sexuality "enough." Or it makes them proud that they do. Either way, it says that repressing yourself is an important part of sexuality and relationships. And that's a destructive idea.

Women are caught in a historical collision between the sexual values of the past and future. Religion, the media and our families are sending out contradictory messages about sexuality that are driving women crazy.

Consider: Today's woman is supposed to be sexy, but not too sexy. She's supposed to be responsive enough to validate her partner, but not too aggressive or hard to please. Sexual, but not lusty. Not frigid, but not quite red hot. Her sexuality should express love, not lust.

In short, she has to be sexual in just the right way, regardless of her actual feelings or needs. To conform, to be an acceptable female, women have to carefully modulate, and therefore undermine, their own sexuality.

Monitoring, labeling and criticizing other women are only a few of the many ways that women sabotage their own sexuality. Let's look at several others; do you have a voice in your head saying these or similar self-destructive things?

* "Distrust lust; keep your privates private."

"My mother taught me not to dress too sexy," says one dynamic woman I know, "because I shouldn't attract too much attention." For years she followed this code, even as an adult. "Lately, though, I've come out of my closet," she smiles, "dressing sexier, being proud of my body, even showing off occasionally. It's been an interesting change."

And how do other women react? "Close friends seem OK," she reports. "Casual acquaintances, or women I don't know - they seem suspicious, even resentful. Sometimes I see something in their eyes, like, 'oh, you're one of "those" women.' And I feel myself wanting to protest - 'no I'm not!' Then I think, wait, what am I saying? What am I choosing between?"

* "My sexuality should be more like his."

Specifically, many women judge themselves with a one-size-fits-all model of arousal and response. That's why they apologize for wanting "so much" foreplay and for taking "too long" to climax. Too many women don't really honor the fact that their sexuality is idiosyncratic. They may be more invested in nongenital aspects of a sexual moment than their partners. Touching, smelling, whispering and other open-ended activities are not adjuncts to the sexual experience - they can be critical parts of it.

The result is that many women make love thinking about the clock. They pressure themselves to be ready sooner and to be done quicker. Rather than honoring their own circular, diffuse, sexual perspective, they've adopted a linear perspective on "foreplay:" it's what you do before the "real thing." Or, as we used to say in high school, it's what you do to get a girl hot.

At lectures, women ask me how to get their mates more interested in foreplay. "Don't apologize for wanting it," I reply. "When you say, 'I know it's a drag, but I guess I'm defective because I need this boring stuff to get ready for the real thing,' your mate instinctively resists."

Women need to honor and value their body's rhythms. You can tell your mate, "Listen, I want to have great sex. I want to get really excited with you. I want to feel your sexuality. I want my body to melt into yours. I want us to drive each other so wild that we can forget about everything and then make love, so let's spend tons of time kissing and squeezing and tasting..."

Who's going to resist that?

* "Sex? Only if you're 'swept away' by romance, alcohol, lies or love."

This attitude subverts female sexuality by disowning a woman's ability to turn herself on, to choose how excited to get and to direct the course of a sexual encounter.

As sociologist Carol Cassell notes in her book, "Swept Away," female sexuality is generally considered more acceptable when women are seduced, romanced or misled, because they can't be blamed for what they can't control. If women are swept away, they can have sexual pleasure without having to confront their own desires or self-image. And as a result, many women place themselves in frustrating situations over and over again. These include not having sex when they want it and having sex when they don't.

"Romance" is the social institution that enables both genders to create a socially-approved sexual experience. It's the ritual pageant through which we pretend that sex exists outside the bounds of normal life. Everyone says that relationships should be "honest," but there is little honesty in romance.

Another side of this belief also makes it the man's problem if a woman is dissatisfied: "He just didn't sweep me away the way I need." Naturally, men resent this about women. As my car mechanic once complained, "They don't turn themselves on, you have to do it; half the time they criticize you for manipulating them, the other half they criticize you for not doing it enough."

* "Sexy? Only certain people and certain bodies - and you're not either."

If you speak to enough women on the subject, it becomes clear that breasts come in only two sizes: too big and too small. Very few women are happy with their bodies.

And very few women think they're sexy; this even includes many of the small number who feel sexy. They often know that their mates desire them, but they frequently deny that it's because they're "sexy." "My wife," says one frustrated colleague, "believes I think she's sexy mainly because I love her." Most women have a fixed image of what a "sexy woman" is - and it rarely includes themselves.

That image usually isn't anyone we know; in fact, it usually isn't people at all. It's media figures, objectified images separated from their personhood. We don't really think people are sexy, we think images are sexy. A flesh-and-blood woman can't compete with that.

Many women believe that a female who doesn't conform to social standards of sexiness has no right to the accessories of sexiness. I have a client, for example, who won't wear lingerie even though she likes it. "I'm not the type," she once told me sadly. "I would look ridiculous." She's pleasant-looking, and she says her husband would be delighted. But she feels disqualified; she's sure she isn't "like one of those sexy women," even though she feels sexy "in my own way." She discounts her own experience in favor of external norms.

* "Once the sexual mood is broken, forget it."

This belief is another way that women deny they have power over their own sexual experience. Instead, they feel controlled by their partner or by "circumstances."

Consciously or not, women make many sexual decisions based on their fear of "breaking the mood." This explains, for example, why some women won't ask a man to use a condom; won't use external lubrication; and won't suggest changing positions to get better clitoral stimulation. Instead, they have sex under flawed conditions.

One definition of "passion" is involvement. If women are passionate during sex, they cannot be easily distracted, and don't have problems recapturing the occasional broken mood. But when women are taught to limit their sexuality to safe, wholesome, ladylike expression, they keep themselves separate from their passion. This maintains the illusion that their sexual feelings originate outside themselves, beyond their control, making them vulnerable to frustrating "circumstances."

Believing such things helps relieve women of responsibility for their own sexuality.

* * *

What messages did you get from your mom about female sexuality? What messages does your daughter get from you?

There are precious few mothers out there telling their daughters that sex is wonderful (which is not the same as saying "go do it"). There are even fewer mothers discussing the broad range of healthy female sexuality. Other than professional sex educators, virtually no one is telling young women that they must guide their own sexuality, not relinquish the job to men or "circumstances" (or bury it altogether).

If you have daughters, are you hiding your sexuality from them? For example, do you pretend you don't notice men on the street, or use contraception, or dress to highlight your best physical features, or have a sexual relationship with your mate (assuming you do)? This is not "flaunting" your sexuality at your child - this is simply acknowledging it the way you acknowledge the rest of your personhood.

Your mom probably hid her sexuality from you; this surely made it more difficult for you to develop a mature sexual outlook. Like most women, as a result, you have been more vulnerable to society's mixed messages and dehumanizing myths about female sexuality.

At some level, every girl tries to be like mom. Copying a mom who seems to lack sexuality, or most of its parts, can provide a shaky foundation for a girl bound for womanhood.

So we come full circle. What shall a woman do instead of honoring oppressive myths, undermining her own sexuality? Honor her sexual experiences, rather than try to interpret them through a distorted social formula of powerlessness, ambivalence, wholesomeness, pseudo-maleness and perfect-body-ism. And see sex as an active partnership between lovers, not some mysterious thing created by tradition to be passively accepted.

Yes, for some women this perspective will require personal, relationship and social change. But healthy adult sexuality is worth it: a dependable source of rich, nurturing, intimate, fun experiences during which you can feel powerful and womanly. Making that part of your life is probably long overdue...isn't it?

Add a Comment113 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

This is one of the best articles that I have ever read. At the end it says that it will take a few changes for a woman to be able to understand, accept, & apply this perspective, but I am going to start working on it right now. I have been wanting to dress in lingerie for my boyfriend for a while now. We have been dating for 6 months & I decided I would do it for his birthday. I went out found something hot, bought it, & got too shy to do it...& that is not normal for me because I am a very out going person. I'm only 24 & I live in a college town, where my friends & I dress hot & go out a couple night a week, so I'm not afraid to look hot & go be social, but actually being so vulnerable...to a guy I actually like...just made me doubt myself. After reading this article I felt very empowered...I think this weekend I'm going to try that sexy outfit! :)

October 21, 2009 - 6:08pm

The don't make much provocative clothing for men....

October 16, 2009 - 12:48pm

Beautiful article. Very true about our world. Every woman needs to acknowledge these things and apply solutions. What is the truth and what we are told are two different things that tend to skew together. I'm very happy to say that that your advice and information is something I discovered years ago and has changed my life. I'm in love with my sexuality haha. I'm 23 and I feel as though I have the sexuality of a woman of mature age; it seems like it takes that long enough to get to a stage when we have the most awareness and comfort in sexuality and oppose the social ideals. Honestly, being around less woman has helped and given me more personal time to work on "issues".
Really though, All Women Should Masturbate With An Early Start. That'll do the trick! It's easy for men to discover there bodies because it's right there. Someone needs to teach a little more on female arousal in sex education! I don't recall learning the importance of that, but I sure learned what an erection was. Know what your body loves to feel! My private time brings a lot to my sexy time with anyone I choose and more so when I have an exclusive partner. I'm able to be straight forward with what I want, what I can do and what gets me off, and the confidence in openness is quite enjoyable. Any partner is grateful for the sexual creature I am and how my directness will give him an ego boost because he knows exactly how he's "useful and needed" to me.
I think there are two different kinds of "sluts". There are the woman who are struggling with these conformities , the woman who don't wuite understand where they fit in within the sexual world and appear to be looking for attentive feelings in general. Then there are the woman who are just plainly comfortable and knowledgeable about their own sexuality but may be hard to distinguish from the sluts that are just hurting themselves. Sad I say. Make a change. Be your own sexy self. It's okay to take what you want lady! You're not going to overdo it because you sure are under doing it. Everybody wins when a woman embraces herself and gives herself the extra love that is pure when it comes from only her own self.
One thing I've noticed, men don't notice our physical flaws until we point them out. Well, maybe it's a good idea to not point them out to ourselves! They really don't matter or make happiness. The day these double standards become okay to go by and not refuse, is the day men have received their own that impairs them, which would be much harsher and longer by the way. Of course I'm not looking to have anyone go through these things. I intend to be a "real" example.
Stand up for this issue, yourself, and each other! I don't need a man to make my body feel good because I'm in love with it on my own. God or whatever you think wants us to love ourselves how we are, maybe you should try that and see what happens. Answers follow. I worked hard to be in love with myself the way I am. I deserve it. You do too.

October 16, 2009 - 12:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

im a women that believes in equality and the "terms" discussed are absolutely incorrect. this is highly stereotypical and does not express how all women percieve things..times are changing and i suggest that you change with them!

October 10, 2009 - 2:17am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well this is stupid. I’m all for woman to embrace their sexuality and openly at that. But there is a difference between being comfortable and assertive with your sexuality and throwing yourself at everything with a cock. As a woman, when I see another woman obviously throwing herself at anything male in a room, I don't necessarily think "SLUT!" My thoughts more border on "Well that girl must have low self esteem."
As far as it goes, I agree that a lot of women are guilty of "girl on girl crime". I’m sure more then just a few of us has judged a girl in the past, maybe thinking something like “Oh she must be a slut". However, you make it sound like all women should be throwing themselves at men, just because we can. I personally am proud of my sexuality, however I wouldn't go braless and throw myself all over some ugly guy, just because I have a right to be a sexual being. I think this is a matter of being sexually proud, but not losing your self respect.
All in all this article is pointless and stupid. Sorry.

October 1, 2009 - 7:18am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Im going to be honest... i only read the beginning 2 paragraphs however, "sluts" are not women who enjoy sex... they are women who exploit it to feel better about themselves.
Please realize that this is coming from someone who enjoys sex without being in love and is tired of all the SLUTS giving me a bad name.

September 29, 2009 - 9:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have read many comments to this article about the article not being productive, the author is calling women "sluts", he did not cover all the angles, he is making unsupported generalizations and so on. However, how can anyone improver anything if they do not examine and find faults? The author had to be general and say "most" women. Would you prefer if he said "all" women? There are many people who like this article and many who don't (see i was being general because i do not know every person who likes or dislikes the article). I will not go any deeper because i have much more to say about some comments but i will say this. There is some woman out there, that hates the fact that a woman she doesn't know is trying to be sexier than her; there is a woman out there that see's another woman walking down the road in skin tight clothes and has to say something about it; there is definitely a woman out there that this article can help by making her think about the things she says about other women -HONESTLY, no woman has ever felt bad about wearing a sexy black dress or whatever color it is and see a woman look at her as if she smelt some rotten eggs? Honestly, any woman or man that has some major problem with this article is in denial or as i call it, thick headed. Open your eyes and see message or re-evaluation. You either know someone that do or have done some of the things mentioned in the article or you yourself have done or currently doing it.

Before you get mad and say how dare i or how dare the author imply such things, examine you life; look at the things you have said and done and think about how you felt; and think about how you felt when others was saying it.

September 18, 2009 - 12:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I think it is okay for us woman to express ourselves in any way we like, even if it means pooping on each others chests. Its all about finding out what truly satisfies you as a woman, whether it be missionary sex or a 25 man gang bang. Be free spirits and think for yourself sisters...

September 13, 2009 - 2:31am
(reply to Anonymous)

Do whatever you feel like doing. My point is that you should not feel like you are required to dress any certain way in order to "catch" a man. That is true freedom. Freedom is being able to be with someone, having connected with your minds, and then your bodies, if that is both your choices. When you become my age, you have usually experienced and experimented with many different ways of attracting men and having sex. Yes, be free, but don't feel pressured by society. Truly make it your own choice. Make sure you are comfortable. Be yourself, and most importantly, choose to be safe. You are truly choosing between life and death.

September 13, 2009 - 11:29am

To me, feeling sexy is a state of mind, not a certain way of dressing. Sometimes, I feel sexiest in a very conservative outfit. I don't feel that women should have to show off their bodies in order to attract a man. That can be saved for private moments.

September 12, 2009 - 6:05pm
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