Facebook Pixel

Women's Internalized Oppression: Undermining Your Own Sexuality

By Expert
 
Rate This

"Slut!"

Like children telling stories about a scary old man, women criticize each other's sexuality - from a safe distance.

"Slut!"

It's hit and run.

"Slut" is what women call a woman who is "too" sexual. It's someone who can enjoy sex without being in love. Someone who admits she enjoys sex more than a woman "should." In other words, it's a woman who can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to.

"Look at her, all over him. Is she even wearing a bra? God, anyone can tell what's on her mind...what is she, a nympho?"

But there are costs to this sisterly vigilance. Aware that others will be judging them, it makes women wonder if they're withholding their sexuality "enough." Or it makes them proud that they do. Either way, it says that repressing yourself is an important part of sexuality and relationships. And that's a destructive idea.

Women are caught in a historical collision between the sexual values of the past and future. Religion, the media and our families are sending out contradictory messages about sexuality that are driving women crazy.

Consider: Today's woman is supposed to be sexy, but not too sexy. She's supposed to be responsive enough to validate her partner, but not too aggressive or hard to please. Sexual, but not lusty. Not frigid, but not quite red hot. Her sexuality should express love, not lust.

In short, she has to be sexual in just the right way, regardless of her actual feelings or needs. To conform, to be an acceptable female, women have to carefully modulate, and therefore undermine, their own sexuality.

Monitoring, labeling and criticizing other women are only a few of the many ways that women sabotage their own sexuality. Let's look at several others; do you have a voice in your head saying these or similar self-destructive things?

* "Distrust lust; keep your privates private."

"My mother taught me not to dress too sexy," says one dynamic woman I know, "because I shouldn't attract too much attention." For years she followed this code, even as an adult. "Lately, though, I've come out of my closet," she smiles, "dressing sexier, being proud of my body, even showing off occasionally. It's been an interesting change."

And how do other women react? "Close friends seem OK," she reports. "Casual acquaintances, or women I don't know - they seem suspicious, even resentful. Sometimes I see something in their eyes, like, 'oh, you're one of "those" women.' And I feel myself wanting to protest - 'no I'm not!' Then I think, wait, what am I saying? What am I choosing between?"

* "My sexuality should be more like his."

Specifically, many women judge themselves with a one-size-fits-all model of arousal and response. That's why they apologize for wanting "so much" foreplay and for taking "too long" to climax. Too many women don't really honor the fact that their sexuality is idiosyncratic. They may be more invested in nongenital aspects of a sexual moment than their partners. Touching, smelling, whispering and other open-ended activities are not adjuncts to the sexual experience - they can be critical parts of it.

The result is that many women make love thinking about the clock. They pressure themselves to be ready sooner and to be done quicker. Rather than honoring their own circular, diffuse, sexual perspective, they've adopted a linear perspective on "foreplay:" it's what you do before the "real thing." Or, as we used to say in high school, it's what you do to get a girl hot.

At lectures, women ask me how to get their mates more interested in foreplay. "Don't apologize for wanting it," I reply. "When you say, 'I know it's a drag, but I guess I'm defective because I need this boring stuff to get ready for the real thing,' your mate instinctively resists."

Women need to honor and value their body's rhythms. You can tell your mate, "Listen, I want to have great sex. I want to get really excited with you. I want to feel your sexuality. I want my body to melt into yours. I want us to drive each other so wild that we can forget about everything and then make love, so let's spend tons of time kissing and squeezing and tasting..."

Who's going to resist that?

* "Sex? Only if you're 'swept away' by romance, alcohol, lies or love."

This attitude subverts female sexuality by disowning a woman's ability to turn herself on, to choose how excited to get and to direct the course of a sexual encounter.

As sociologist Carol Cassell notes in her book, "Swept Away," female sexuality is generally considered more acceptable when women are seduced, romanced or misled, because they can't be blamed for what they can't control. If women are swept away, they can have sexual pleasure without having to confront their own desires or self-image. And as a result, many women place themselves in frustrating situations over and over again. These include not having sex when they want it and having sex when they don't.

"Romance" is the social institution that enables both genders to create a socially-approved sexual experience. It's the ritual pageant through which we pretend that sex exists outside the bounds of normal life. Everyone says that relationships should be "honest," but there is little honesty in romance.

Another side of this belief also makes it the man's problem if a woman is dissatisfied: "He just didn't sweep me away the way I need." Naturally, men resent this about women. As my car mechanic once complained, "They don't turn themselves on, you have to do it; half the time they criticize you for manipulating them, the other half they criticize you for not doing it enough."

* "Sexy? Only certain people and certain bodies - and you're not either."

If you speak to enough women on the subject, it becomes clear that breasts come in only two sizes: too big and too small. Very few women are happy with their bodies.

And very few women think they're sexy; this even includes many of the small number who feel sexy. They often know that their mates desire them, but they frequently deny that it's because they're "sexy." "My wife," says one frustrated colleague, "believes I think she's sexy mainly because I love her." Most women have a fixed image of what a "sexy woman" is - and it rarely includes themselves.

That image usually isn't anyone we know; in fact, it usually isn't people at all. It's media figures, objectified images separated from their personhood. We don't really think people are sexy, we think images are sexy. A flesh-and-blood woman can't compete with that.

Many women believe that a female who doesn't conform to social standards of sexiness has no right to the accessories of sexiness. I have a client, for example, who won't wear lingerie even though she likes it. "I'm not the type," she once told me sadly. "I would look ridiculous." She's pleasant-looking, and she says her husband would be delighted. But she feels disqualified; she's sure she isn't "like one of those sexy women," even though she feels sexy "in my own way." She discounts her own experience in favor of external norms.

* "Once the sexual mood is broken, forget it."

This belief is another way that women deny they have power over their own sexual experience. Instead, they feel controlled by their partner or by "circumstances."

Consciously or not, women make many sexual decisions based on their fear of "breaking the mood." This explains, for example, why some women won't ask a man to use a condom; won't use external lubrication; and won't suggest changing positions to get better clitoral stimulation. Instead, they have sex under flawed conditions.

One definition of "passion" is involvement. If women are passionate during sex, they cannot be easily distracted, and don't have problems recapturing the occasional broken mood. But when women are taught to limit their sexuality to safe, wholesome, ladylike expression, they keep themselves separate from their passion. This maintains the illusion that their sexual feelings originate outside themselves, beyond their control, making them vulnerable to frustrating "circumstances."

Believing such things helps relieve women of responsibility for their own sexuality.

* * *

What messages did you get from your mom about female sexuality? What messages does your daughter get from you?

There are precious few mothers out there telling their daughters that sex is wonderful (which is not the same as saying "go do it"). There are even fewer mothers discussing the broad range of healthy female sexuality. Other than professional sex educators, virtually no one is telling young women that they must guide their own sexuality, not relinquish the job to men or "circumstances" (or bury it altogether).

If you have daughters, are you hiding your sexuality from them? For example, do you pretend you don't notice men on the street, or use contraception, or dress to highlight your best physical features, or have a sexual relationship with your mate (assuming you do)? This is not "flaunting" your sexuality at your child - this is simply acknowledging it the way you acknowledge the rest of your personhood.

Your mom probably hid her sexuality from you; this surely made it more difficult for you to develop a mature sexual outlook. Like most women, as a result, you have been more vulnerable to society's mixed messages and dehumanizing myths about female sexuality.

At some level, every girl tries to be like mom. Copying a mom who seems to lack sexuality, or most of its parts, can provide a shaky foundation for a girl bound for womanhood.

So we come full circle. What shall a woman do instead of honoring oppressive myths, undermining her own sexuality? Honor her sexual experiences, rather than try to interpret them through a distorted social formula of powerlessness, ambivalence, wholesomeness, pseudo-maleness and perfect-body-ism. And see sex as an active partnership between lovers, not some mysterious thing created by tradition to be passively accepted.

Yes, for some women this perspective will require personal, relationship and social change. But healthy adult sexuality is worth it: a dependable source of rich, nurturing, intimate, fun experiences during which you can feel powerful and womanly. Making that part of your life is probably long overdue...isn't it?

Add a Comment113 Comments

Let's not forget that we can be and are sexy even after menopause. Sexy is a state of mind and is determined by what each woman is comfortable with.

Thank you for drawing attention to this Dr. Klein

July 2, 2009 - 1:05pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My problem with this article is that 1) it says women call women sluts. Although that is obviously true, many also call women sluts and this is one of the most vicious weapons they have in their arsenal. Don't pin all the blame on women. Men are attackers too.
2) By referring to these nebulous "most" or "many" women, the author is perpetuating an idea about the confused, victimized women. Just as women's sexual desires and pleasures come in all different forms, so does their internal feelings about sex.
Please don't make sweeping generalizations about women and their desires and feelings. You may think your article is promoting progressive views on sex, but these generalizations can also be damaging. If you are giving anecdotal evidence, treat it as such.

June 22, 2009 - 10:20am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I think though, that a woman calling a woman a slut is a different experience. Then it has to do with a woman's view of herself and expectations of society. Stating that women call women sluts is not suggesting that men do not as well. That just isn't relevant to the article, which is about how women interpret, experience, and make decisions about their own sexuality.

And the generalization is necessary to the article. You have to generalize to a certain point to make a case. The author isn't claiming every female feels this way - for those who don't, the article clearly isn't for them. In addition, saying that women don't feel this way is also making a generalization of sorts.

-remaai

September 12, 2009 - 2:20pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

1) The article is about women not men so why should the author distract from it and add a side note that men also call women sluts?
2) The article is too short to not include sweeping generalized statements. Generalized statements are just that, general! They should never be taken as full in depth analysis covering all the bases.

Why do people always get so worked up when every little detail or angle is not covered? If they were, would any article ever make it to completion?

Many thanks to the Author, this is very well written and so obviously needed!
From a woman.

June 26, 2009 - 1:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Fantastic article - especially coming from a man. Two thumbs up!

June 21, 2009 - 11:05am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Wow, so very much wrong with that article. Seems to me that you are just trying to convince women that they are all closet "sluts" that should prance around nearly naked screwing every potential partner they come across.

So women only feel sexy prancing about in lingerie? Ever think, just for a minute, that perhaps the reason women prefer sex in a stable relationship is because it is infinitely more fulfilling than random sex with some stranger? There is nothing wrong with women who don't put out whenever the opportunity presents itself. Nothing wrong with women that wear comfortable clothes.

This is just another article trying to convince women that all they really want to do is please men. Sad, really. Whatever happened to an equal partnership?

June 18, 2009 - 8:21am
(reply to Anonymous)

I agree with you. Feeling sexy is being your best self, no matter what that is. It doesn't have anything to do with the way you dress. You can be in a mumu and still feel sexy, if that is how you feel most comfortable. Why does anyone else's opinion have to decide what is sexy for you? Feeling that you have to conform to other's opinions is not sexy. Be yourself! That is sexy!

July 18, 2010 - 6:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I agree with you. Yes, there is a double standard, and yes it is wrong. However, you're looking at it the wrong way. The women who want love and stability aren't wrong; it's the men who go out and sleep with anyone wearing a skirt that are wrong. We shouldn't all be "sluts", we should all be caring people. And don't be all like "Oh, that's some hardcore feminist who hates men." I'm a guy, and I believe in loving the people I have intimate relations with. So absolutely, lets drop the double standard. But not by encouraging women to throw out their values. How about we get men to have values as well, and have some quality equality for once.

May 25, 2010 - 8:51am
(reply to Anonymous)

The message of this article has nothing to do with sex in or out of a relationship, but with being comfortable enough with your own sexuality to seek sexual gratification and satisfaction, which tends to be an obstacle for most women. The objectification of women who are comfortable with being sexual was an illustration of what is wrong with common opinion, not what is right with it.

There is nothing wrong with encouraging women to be confident and strong, and to seek out their own happiness. If wearing lingerie isn't your thing, you probably look and feel and appear much sexier in more "comfortable" clothing, but that should not suggest that other women should not feel comfortable wearing it just because they don't look like a supermodel. Enjoying sex and looking sexy doesn't always have to be about pleasing a man. (And, if you want to get technical about it, it doesn't always have to be about pleasing a woman either.)

April 16, 2010 - 12:51pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I don't think the author was promoting sex with strangers at all - the premise is that we are entitled to express our sexuality in our relationships, to not subjugate our needs to our partners' needs. We need to speak up about what it is we need in order to feel fulfilled which I think makes a lot of sense. I haven't been with any men who repress their desires or needs in bed - they feel entitled to sexual satisfaction and have no qualms in pursuing it. Why shouldn't women feel and act the same way? What makes us so special or deficient that we have to wait to be asked or hope that our partner will figure out what we want?

December 5, 2009 - 11:48am
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

Sexual Health

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Related Checklists

Sexual Health Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!