Unfortunately it is all too common for people who want to help a chronically ill friend to miss the mark.
It's understandable, really. Unless you've had a health problem that has held you down for a good long time, it's easy to misunderstand what they need and what they want.
Below is a list of things to keep in mind. Each item on the list is to the point. That's not to give offense — any person who is chronically ill appreciates every visitor and helper who has not forgotten about them. They are thrilled to have you in their lives.
Just keep it simple ... which in the world of the chronically ill is the best way to keep things.
Do's
1) Come over to visit.
People who have been ill a long time often do not have a steady stream of visitors. Some don't have anybody coming over at all.
2) Make the visit about your friend.
Chronically ill people who don't have attentive friends or family can feel invisible and like life is passing them by, like they are faceless in an unfeeling world.
3) Do their dishes.
Chronically ill people may not be able to do their own dishes, or they may be worn out by doing them.
4) Do their laundry.
Doing laundry can be exhausting, help them save energy for another activity.
5) Ask if you can pick up anything they need.
This saves them from the overload of navigating a store, calculating the cash, then recovering after the trip. If you cover the cost of the item yourself, that can be a tremendous gift.
6) Surprise them with something they don't need.
An unexpected whimsical gift can lift the spirits in a way nothing else will.
7) Bring food.
This means less meal preparation for them. Be careful of any food allergies or sensitivities. Bring something they can safely eat.
8) Bring money.
Want to do something practical for a sick friend who can't work? There's nothing wrong with cold, hard cash.
9) Ask if they need a ride anywhere.
Even if they have a car, they may appreciate not having to drive.
10) Ask if you can run some errands for them.
It's easier for you than it is for them. They can use that energy you saved them for other things — or maybe they'll just rest.
11) Pitch in on yardwork.
Shovel their snow in the winter. Mow their lawn in the summer.
12) Do they have a car? Wash it for them.
They will bless you for it.
13) Ask if they need any phone calling done.
Some people who are chronically ill can get mentally worn out quickly, even by making a simple phone call.
14) Take them to a beautiful place.
When the only scenery is the same bedroom walls, or the same front yard or street outside their window, going to a marina, a beach, or a park can cause a sense of uplift that may help carry them till ... well, till the next time someone will take them for a drive.
15) Send them a thoughtful card or cheery note.
It's nice to know someone is thinking of you.
Don'ts
16) Don't stay till your friend is exhausted.
Someone who is chronically ill may only be good for a short time. Might be 15 minutes. Might be half an hour.
Tune in to your friend. Be sensitive to long silences — are their eyes closed? Are they getting confused? They may use up their precious energy stores in the blink of an eye. Don't stay. Better to come again, for another short visit.
17) Don't monopolize the conversation with things that have nothing to do with them.
Don't use up their time and energy talking only about people and places they aren't familiar with. Many who are chronically ill are hungry for personal connection. Use your visit to meet that essential human need.
18) Don't expect them to wait on you, fixing food, making coffee.
Remember who is the fragile one, and protect them.
19) Don't come in looking for favours or help with something.
They are ill and they should not have more pressures or burdens added to their lives.
20) Don't make decisions for them.
Make sure that they will actually enjoy whatever it is. If they're not up to going for a drive, for instance, don't insist.
21) Don't make them feel guilty about things they can't do.
Many chronically ill people deal with guilt on a day-to-day basis. They may feel bad about the things they can't do, about the things they think they should be able to do. Be careful not to compound this.
22) Don't pressure them into doing something that will wear them out.
Protect tiny energy reserves. Shield the fragile joints and muscles.
23) Don't tell them you envy their "free time" or that you wish you could trade places with them.
No matter how hectic your life is you really would not want to trade places with them and they know it. Even if it's a joke. Just don't say it. You wouldn't believe how this can come across.
24) Don't show up without calling or emailing first.
Many chronically ill people aren't able to roll with surprises that way. This can take more energy than you realize. Be considerate of those who need time to ready themselves.
25) Don't spend a lot of time talking about trips you've been on, or things you've been able to buy.
Chances are they haven't been on a cruise lately. If you have, keep that in mind. Don't give in to the surprisingly common habit of describing what you had when you went out for lunch. Many chronically ill people don't go out to eat. Ever.
Tailor your conversation to the person you are talking with so you aren't just talking at them. Visits for them may be rare, so make them count.
Visit Jody's website at http://www.ncubator.ca
Reviewed April 16, 2015
by Michele Blacksberg RN