The other night I was out with the girls. We popped into the health club for a quick steam and then to the hotel bar across the road for drinks and dinner under palm trees and stars. It was very romantic.
As we sat around the table, conversation sparking like a hundred firecrackers, a thought stuck me. How could three good-looking, fun, accomplished women be not only single on a Saturday night but also completely unconcerned about the singleness of our lives?
It was as though, somewhere along the way, we had lost interest in the dating dance. If only you could go from love at first sight to happily ever after with none of the “getting to know you” stuff in between. And, if you couldn’t, no biggie either: solitude has many virtues.
Maybe we had set our sights too high. Leigh, a tall fifty-year-old woman with shoulder length brown hair and bedroom eyes said she was still looking for her knight in shining armor.
“Isn’t he dead yet?” I said.
Leigh shot me a dirty look. “My parents have that kind of relationship. Why can’t I?”
“Because, Leigh,” I said smugly, “How can Mr. Knight become Mr. Right when he doesn’t even exist?”
“How do you know that?” Gina piped up, flicking her wavy blonde hair off her face. “We’re not all as jaded as you are, Pam.”
I stared at her. “Oh no,” I said suspicion rising. “Don’t tell me you’ve got Knight Fever, too?”
Gina grinned at me. “No,” she said. “I’ve settled for Mr. Sex Just Right.”
Leigh and I sat forward in our seats, all ears. “Continue,” I advised with a queenly wave of the hand.
“Well,” said Gina taking in a deep breath. “I met this fantastic guy but there’s one problem. I can’t seem to come without my vibrator.”
“Oh,” I said heavily. “That is serious. If a guy can’t compete with a vibrator, he hasn’t got a hope in hell.”
“Oh, stop, Pam,” ordered Leigh disapprovingly. She turned to Gina and touched her arm consolingly. “Does he know what he’s doing in bed?” asked Leigh.
“Yes, yes, he’s a great lover,” said Gina.
“Maybe he just doesn’t like threesomes,” I said, “And is afraid to tell you.”
“He said he doesn’t mind the vibrator,” said Gina.
“Doesn’t ‘mind’ the vibrator?” challenged Leigh. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“There are only two courses of action,” I announced slapping the table with authority. “Either you’re addicted to your vibrator, which believe me, is nothing to be ashamed of—“
“Or?” asked Gina waving me onto the next point.
I crossed my legs and leaned back in my chair, intertwining my fingers behind my head. “Or,” I continued. “This is a classic case of the V-shortcut syndrome.”
Gina rolled her eyes and looked at Leigh. “I never know what she’s talking about.” Gina looked back at me. “What are you talking about?”
“V as in vibrator, ladies,” I explained. “The V-shortcut allows you to bypass any discomfort and anxiety you may have being with a new sexual partner. It also has the added benefit of bypassing his ineptitude, should there be any.” I leaned in for effect. “And, let’s face it, there almost always is.”
Gina and Leigh stared open mouthed, shaking their heads with confusion.
“In other words,” I went on. “It’s a performance prop—
for him. You come quickly and he feels like his penis is almighty and all-powerful. I hate to tell you this, Gina, but you’re a Penis Pleaser.”
“A what?” said Gina stunned.
“A penis pleaser,” I said. “It’s part of the syndrome.”
“I thought that’s what you said,” said Gina bursting into laughter. “You’re insane.”
“Mark my words, girls,” I said with a know-it-all smile. “It won’t be long before there are 12-step programs for vibrator addiction due to overly zealous penis pleasing.”
“Oh tell me, Mistress Pammy,” mocked Gina. “What’s the cure?”
“Talk to the penis, Gina.” I said with a definitive shake of the head. “Talk to the penis. Tell it who’s really in charge.”
Do you worry about being addicted to your vibrator? Is your partner getting jealous because of all the pleasure you’re having by yourself? Or, has your vibrator become your significant other? Please share your thoughts at www.EmpowHer.com/share.
© 2008 ZANTIUM LLC
BIO:
Everyone knows you only talk about sex in secret. Everyone but me that is. I’m Pamela Tames and you can hear more about my take on sex and the older woman at http://seasonedsex.com/. Who’s doing it, how they’re doing it, and what keeps them doing it. Now, for those all thinking, ‘that’s got to be one short website,’ let me respectfully say, ‘oh, so wrong.’ Just see for yourself.
Visit Pamela Tames at her website:
http://seasonedsex.com/