TOP TEN
Here are ten of the most common versions of "Am I normal?"
1) Are my sexual fantasies normal?
2) Are my penis/erection, balls/labia/breasts normal shape, size, color?
3) I seem to lubricate too much/too little when I get excited. Am I normal?
4) Unlike my friends, I like/don't like watching X-rated videos. Am I normal?
5) I just don't like oral sex/my nipples fondled/anal play/open-mouth kissing. Am I normal?
6) I want sex a lot more often than my girlfriend. Am I normal?
7) I enjoy lovemaking, but my biggest orgasms are from masturbation. Am I normal?
8) I really like being held down and being treated a bit roughly during sex. Am I normal?
9) When I was in college, I had sex with this couple about four or five different times. Am I normal?
10) I need to have my clitoris stroked in order to have an orgasm. Am I normal?
Such questions should not be answered...in a better world, people would not worry about them.
SO WHAT IS NORMAL, ANYWAY?
People who are concerned with being sexually normal are caught in a painful dilemma. On the one hand, they're afraid they aren't normal, work hard to be, and always see ways they need to be different. On the other hand, many of those who feel they are normal live in fear of losing this status because the culture defining it can change the rules at any time.
The only way to escape Normality Anxiety is deciding that "normal" is irrelevant. Take some control of your life: decide that you have a right to accept your sexuality on your own terms. Ways to do that include:
* Decide your sexual values (I suggest honesty, responsibility and consent). This will be an inner resource when you want to trust your experience (something either feels good emotionally and physically or it doesn't) instead of social ideas of what's "normal" (something is supposed to be right or wrong). By all means, discuss your sexual values with your partner.
* Acknowledge your sexual goals: These can include self-expression, exploration, intimacy, giving or sharing, pleasure, enjoying your body and feeling powerful. Once you know your sexual goals (most of the above aren't discussed in public), you have the option of participating in any sexual activities that support those goals, providing they fit with your values.
* Keep in mind that when it comes to sexuality in any form, you should trust your inner guide ("intuition," "gut feeling" and "guardian voice") at least as much as anything else.
* Break the conspiracy of silence: When we talk with others about our real sexual experiences and feelings, rather than distorting them or keeping silent, we empower others as well as ourselves. Isolation from others' reality helps maintain Normality Anxiety.
"YOU'RE NOT NORMAL"
Sometimes our anxiety is a reaction to a partner, who may explicitly question our sexual normality, or subtly imply there's something wrong with us. Common forms of outright accusation include "nymph," "slut," "homo," "frigid" and "too weird."
When you feel criticized in this way, ask that your mate discuss her or his concerns about your behavior, not about your character or your sexuality. For example, if s/he says you want sex all the time "and that's not normal," invite her/him to talk about your contrasting desires as a couple, rather than talking about your problem.
Never defend yourself against charges of "abnormality." Insist that normality not be the issue. Only in this way can you avoid arguments about who is right and focus on the bigger issues.
On the other hand, you can ask what your mate means by "normal." This will create the chance to talk about the fundamental beliefs underlying your sexual relationship, a conversation that all couples in conflict need. It will highlight the standard upon which your sexuality is being judged -- a standard with which you may or may not agree.
Similarly, deal with your partner's sexual behavior and your response to it, not whether or not her/his interests are "normal." If you don't like a particular sexual activity, it has no place in your life. No other justification is necessary, so you don't need to make your mate wrong or bad to have an excuse to say no. "I don't like it" should be enough.
TAKING CHARGE
The very concept of sexual normality implies that there is a clear line dividing acceptable and unacceptable sexuality. Regardless of which side you land on, the very existence of the line is oppressive. Most of us don't have the information, courage or sexual self-confidence to question the placement of that line, much less to assert its total irrelevance.
And yet, doing so is an important key to sexual liberation, pleasure, intimacy and self-esteem. Taking charge of your sexuality like that is part of true adulthood.
Does "anything go" then? No. Remember your values, such as honesty, responsibility and consent. Many people worry about "crossing the line" into dangerous behavior, and think this line is defined according to what part of one person's body goes into what part of another's (and what toys they use before and during this). I propose a more sophisticated system: having strong, clear values and using them to guide your behavior and your feelings toward your behavior and its consequences.
Thus, rape is wrong because it isn't consenting. Tricking someone into having sex by falsely saying, "I love you," is wrong because it's dishonest. Exposing a partner to your STD without warning him first is wrong because it isn't responsible.
Most people like the certainty of knowing what's "normal" -- they prefer an explicit code (even if it is based on the assumption that they are inadequate or evil). This is especially true regarding sex, whose power can be so scary. Many adults find it psychologically comfortable to have fixed definitions of what's sexually "normal" -- even if it excludes part of their basic physical and emotional self.
How sad. Because the beauty and the divine gift of sexuality is that it offers a place in which you can never be wrong just being yourself. You can't be wrong and you can't hurt anyone if the sex is honest, responsible and consenting. There are considerable rewards for trusting your sexuality. Not knowing or caring what's sexually normal can be the first step in reclaiming your sexual heritage.
Link to article: http://www.sexed.org/archive/article12.html