Lately, I have gotten all spiritual and new age here at The Fertility Advocate! It's just that I have gotten way more comfortable with you and way more open. I hope that you have liked that! And there is a very deeply spiritual side of me, and I got there with teachers. Many of whom I have never met!
We all have teachers. Sometimes, our teachers are found in the traditional places, such as in school. Teachers can be found in our daily lives, such as our families, or friends, or from various thought leaders in our society. Our life experiences can also be great teachers for us, such as living through a life crisis such as infertility. One of my most pivotal teachers, is a woman that I have never met, but I have listened to her voice for hours on my iPod. Her name if Pema Chodron, and she is a Buddhist Nun who has authored many books. One of my favorites is called "When Things Fall Apart."
There is a fabulous interview with Pema Chodron on Oprah's website where she touches upon some of the basic principles of her teachings. My favorite teaching, and one that I always come back to, is the power of staying with uncomfortable feelings and uncomfortable situations.
So many of us try to run away and drown our feelings; we want to escape them. We don't like that awful crunching feeling in our bellies or the tightening of our throats. So many of us would do anything to avoid those feelings and we try to drown them out in many ways such as using food, drugs, drinking, shopping, or even becoming argumentative and depressed. What Pema teaches is that by viewing painful feelings or emotions as something that can actually bring us closer to the truth than something to be avoided, that we could change the trajectory of our lives.
What Pema is teaching is that when things feel like they are falling apart - like a failed pregnancy attempt - instead of running from the pain, try to stay with it. Truly feel it. Trying to look at the "bright side" may not be helpful. If we can manage to stay with the pain, really touch the rawness of our feelings, great insights and learning can come from it.
Now, this can feel really, really bad. No one is saying that there is anything pretty about connecting with the rawness of pain, uncomfortable emotions and disappointment. But we all have these negative feelings in our life. No one can align the universe all the time to have things just the way we want them constantly. So there a lot of potential human growth experiences out there! Are we lucky?
What Pema teaches is that we really try to let ourselves touch the rawness of the feelings. Really sit with the feelings and breathe deeply into them. Yes, literally sit and breathe in the painful feelings and then breathe them out in the exhalation. Pema coaches that it is often helpful to think that other people also feel this pain. You are not alone in your frustrations, disappointments, and pain. There are always other people who are feeling in this moment just what you are feeling. You are never alone in pain. And just touching that knowledge in your discomfort connects you with empathy and compassion to others. I love this snippet of conversation between Oprah and Pema:
OPRAH: As you wrote in When Things Fall Apart, "This very moment is the perfect teacher." One thing I've learned to ask, especially in difficult situations, is "What is this here to teach me?"
PEMA: That's a very powerful way to look at it. People often use spirituality like medicine when they're in a tough situation, and they start coming up with their own ways of expressing it, as you just did. All religions point to the fact that being fully present is the only state in which you can wake up, not by somehow leaving. So you have to find your own simple, grounded language to say that to yourself, and that's a beautiful way to express it: What is this moment, this situation, or this person trying to teach me? Another one that I love is "This is a unique moment. Maybe I'm glad about that because it's painful, but I don't want to waste it, because it's never going to happen again this way. So let's taste it, smell it, experience it."
OPRAH: You also wrote in When Things Fall Apart that every day gives us an opportunity to either open up or shut down, and that the most precious opportunity presents itself when you think you can't handle whatever is happening. So if, in that moment, you can train yourself to open up instead of shutting down…
PEMA: That's exactly when you get a real transformation.
What I have found is that when I don't run from painful situations, if I really allow myself to stay with whatever is causing me terrible anxiety, I am able to come out on the other side in a brand new way. Situations and opportunities open for me. It can feel almost magical. The key for me has been in not avoiding uncomfortable situations that cause anxiety and opening my heart in loving compassion to the people, situations or things that have brought me such distress.
Infertility is an incredibly painful life crisis. We can rail against it or we can try to find our own path through it. Running away from our emotions won't help. It only drowns us.
Consider picking up "When Things Fall Apart.” There is much gold to be mined between the pages.
Pamela Madsen is one of the nation's most outspoken and recognized fertility educators and patient advocates. The Fertility Advocate, Ms. Madsen's Blog has become the must read for all members of the fertility community with hundreds jacking into Ms. Madsen's funny, insightful and provocative posts every day. Ms. Madsen is the Founder of The American Fertility Association, and works with East Coast Fertility as the Director of Public Education. Ms. Madsen is reaching out to women-- and men—to integrate all aspects of the reproductive continuum from sexuality, infertility prevention, protection and treatment into the general health care of all women.