Shortly after delivering my first child, I realized there was an epidemic going on among some couples I knew … they weren’t having any sex. I was shocked to learn one couple hadn’t been intimate for weeks, another for months, and for yet another it was almost a year (well, not exactly, but it sounded like it from what my friend was telling me).
How does that happen? I am the first to admit that my relationship isn’t all-sex-all-the-time, but I would consider us average in frequency without going into detail. But what I could surmise from the stories of sexual inactivity I was hearing, it seemed that a culmination of a lot of different circumstances all played a part.
Being new parents, coupled with hormonal changes, and non-communication between partners (disappointment, bewilderment, exhaustion, etc.) all swirled around until before they knew it, weeks had passed and they hadn’t done it. The lack of intimacy breeds a different issue—once you lose the frequency, it’s hard to get going again.
This phenomenon was showcased in the recent movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” The married couple didn’t even have children, but it was divulged near the end of the movie that they hadn’t had sex in 3 months. Again … How does that happen?
I read an article online that said the testosterone in men does not allow them to forget when the last time they had sex, yet exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed can contribute to lack of sex even in men. It just takes one partner to go on strike, and another partner to get used to it or find coping mechanisms for a drought to occur. The post-baby drought doesn't happen to everyone. Some couples experience a surge in sexual activity with their partner, sometimes resulting in subsequent babies, but that's another story.
A sexless marriage, according to the U.S. National Health and Social Life Survey of 1994 (haven’t they done one since?), is a marriage in which little or no sex occurs between the two partners. “Little or no sex” is defined further as sexual intimacy occurring less than ten times per year. According to the survery, 20 percent of the respondents fit into the category. I wonder how many of them had small children at home. Who else is nodding their head right now?
I would like to submit that it’s not easy keeping a marriage together with small children involved. The initial feelings of falling in love again when the baby is born is quickly replaced by those other feelings of disappointment at how your spouse is contributing to the rearing of said child, or bewilderment at how much work it is keeping the child and the house in order, or the complete and utter exhaustion that goes along with it. Not to mention how childbirth does a number on a woman’s hormones and body, which doesn’t help either. None of the baby books prepare you for what happens.
I also would like to submit that for the sake of your marriage, you have to try to keep some kind of intimacy with your partner. A posting on the Mom2mom.com website was about a recent new mom who was lamenting about a similar situation with her husband or DH as they refer to them in blog speak. The other bloggers offered suggestions for getting her groove with her husband back. They suggested adult toys, lubricants, date nights, massages, etc. Others suggested a meeting with her OB/Gyn to discuss any “mechanical” issues that may be contributing to the drought.
Apart from that, I think of a flyer I came across a number of years ago about “101 Ways to Make Love Without Doin’ it,” meant for teens in high school, but it also could translate for new parents trying to get back on the horse after having a baby. A lot of the suggestions used to be second nature in most relationships, but just gets lost along the way, like having to re-learn manners when you find you’ve turned into a bit of a potty-mouth. To name a few suggestions:
- Remember to hold hands when walking next to each other.
- Cuddle a little when on the sofa or in bed.
- Find out what’s special to your partner and help them re-kindle their love for it.
- Respect each other.
- Call each other pet names and flirt.
- Compliment each other.
- Share jokes with each other.
- Find time to work out together.
- Hide a love note to them telling them what a great partner they are and list some ways.
- Wash your partner’s car or wash the car together.
- Get a baby sitter and spend some time together doing something you used to love to do as a couple.
- Make a playlist of your partner’s favorite songs for them.
- Plan a sightseeing excursion together.
- Cook together.
- and for goodness sakes women, allow your partner to contribute to the chores around the house and thank him for doing the tiniest things without being judgmental of how it was performed.
All these things contribute to a healthy partnership, and in no time you should be feeling the love again and having more sex. It’s not easy, it takes work, but like childrearing, it’s one of the most rewarding and important jobs you’ll ever have.
Christine Jeffries is a writer/editor for work and at heart, and lives in a home of testosterone with her husband and two sons. She started a women's group called the Wo-Hoo! Society in the interests of friendship, networking, and philanthropy; the group meets separately on a monthly basis in the Phoenix and Kansas City areas. Christine is interested in women's health issues and promoting strong women.