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Home > AUDIO: Dr. Marty Klein - I Am A Newlywed And My Husband Has Lost Sexual Interest In Me. What Should I Do?

AUDIO: Dr. Marty Klein - I Am A Newlywed And My Husband Has Lost Sexual Interest In Me. What Should I Do?

By Dr. Marty Klein
Created 09/22/2009 - 07:45

No sex or marriage question is too embarrassing because it’s time to ask EmpowHer’s sexuality expert Dr. Marty Klein anything.

“Dear Dr. Klein, I am 39 years old and I am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don’t do, I just can’t turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he at least made some attempts at having sex. My husband doesn’t even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep.

A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him, and he simply just moved my hand away and then turned over and went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me, but no, he hasn’t. He makes me feel utterly repulsive. Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don’t have the urge for sex, so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?”

Dr. Marty Klein: Well, I am glad you came to EmpowHer and I am glad you clicked the “Ask” button, and I am glad that you asked me your question. This is a serious situation. You know, there are medications for practically everything, but I don’t think you want to take a medication for this. I mean, you are not going to want to do this, you are not going to want to do that for the next 60 or 70 years, right? So, I would actually have you looking at different solutions to this. Now for starters, as you say, “He makes me feel utterly repulsive.” That’s kind of too much, you know? He is not making you feel anything, for one thing, and your know, your choice to feel repulsive, I mean, that’s a real overreaction, especially since you don’t know why he has lost interest in being sexual with you. It’s pretty clear to me that this has nothing to do with you. I mean, the guy married you six weeks ago. I am assuming that you didn’t force him into it, right? Now you say you are 39 and I don’t know how old he is, if he is 60 or if he is 20, and I don’t know if this is your first marriage or your second marriage or your third or what; I also don’t know if you lived together before you got married. You know, for some people, being married is a very big shock, and this may be a big shock for him, and this may be the way that he is dealing with his shock. It seems to me that the really big question here is not about sex. The really big question is about the relationship and are the two of you going to have a series of meaningful conversations about, “Honey, what’s going on, and how do we handle problems in the future? Is the way we handle problems in the future to disappear from each other? Is the way we handle problems in the future to not talk about things? Is the way we handle problems in the future to just turn over and go to sleep? Or do we face them and we remember that we are a team and that we are going to resolve whatever issues we have together as a partnership.” I think that’s really what’s on the table here because every marriage runs into trouble, whether it’s about sex or money or in-laws or kids. So, I would say number one, quit feeling repulsive. That’s really way more dramatic than the situation, you know, necessitates. Step number two, forget about a medication because that’s not going to solve the problem in the long term, and step number three, say to your husband, “Look, we have only been married six weeks and already I am really not liking being married to you. So, I really want us to sit and have a long talk.” And you know, doing that with a third-party like a marriage counselor or a clergyperson might really do the trick for you, and if you have any more questions, of course, you know, come back to EmpowHer, click the “Ask” button and ask away.
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