It was pretty hard to miss the Rihanna-Chris Brown story right from the start. Both stars were scheduled to appear at the Grammy Awards last February, and then both were no-shows. The news came out that they’d had a fight, he had allegedly hit her, and he’d been arrested. The picture released later of Rihanna showed a bruised and swollen face. And nearly overnight, she became the new “it” girl of domestic abuse: Will she press charges? Will she go back to him? Is he really sorry? Will he do it again? Will this affect her music?
Brown pled guilty to felony assault. But that didn’t put an end to the attention the case receives. Everyone has weighed in, all the way to Oprah. The voice that’s been missing is Rihanna’s. She has primarily stayed silent in the press, preferring to work on her music and soak up the support of family and friends. This week, however, Glamour magazine has a long Q&A with Rihanna on its web site (first link, below), and she also sat for a long on-camera interview with Diane Sawyer (second link, below). The first part aired this morning on Good Morning America; the second part will appear on Friday’s episode of GMA, and the remaining part will appear Friday night on ABC’s 20/20.
Here’s some of Rihanna’s talk with Diane Sawyer this morning. This picks up after an intro in which Sawyer asked Rihanna about how something like this could happen to her.
Sawyer: But you were so strong.
Rihanna: I AM strong. This happened to me. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t do it. This happened to me, and it can happen to anybody.
Sawyer: Why the shame?
Rihanna: Because I didn’t want people to think that that’s the kind of person that I fell in love with, that’s embarrassing. So far in love, so unconditional that I went back.
Sawyer notes that many women return 6 or 7 times to their abusers before they finally leave. Rihanna corrects her, saying that it’s actually more like 8 or 9 times. She is determined to not be one of those women. She went back, but she didn’t stay.
Rihanna: That’s not what I want to teach people. But again, people, I’m a human being and people put me on a very unrealistic pedestal, and all these expectations, I’m not perfect. Also it’s pretty natural for that to be the first reaction. It is completely normal to go back. The minute the physical wounds go away, you want this thing to go away. This is a memory you don’t want ever remember again.
But it goes beyond that, she said.
“When I realized that my selfish decision for love could result into some young girl getting killed, I could not, I could not be easy with that part. I couldn’t be held responsible for telling them: “Go back”.
“Especially when I take myself out of the situation. I say (this) to any young girl: Don’t react out of love. F. love. Come out of the situation and look at it in the third person for what it really is and then make your decision, because love is so blind.”
And here's a little of the Glamour interview:
Glamour: How has this event changed you as a person, as a woman?
Rihanna: I’m stronger, wiser and more aware. You don’t realize how much your decisions affect people you don’t even know, like fans.
Glamour: Do you think you’ve gotten your strength from your mom?
Rihanna: Definitely. My mom gave us the tools to survive…. My parents separated when I was eight or nine. I helped her raise my [youngest] brother, because my mom was working all the time. He’s my favorite.
Glamour: Do you feel that this experience has laid the groundwork for coping with anything so public again?
Rihanna: It has taught me so much. I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day. It was like, What, there are helicopters circling my house? There are 100 people in my cul-de-sac? What do you mean, I can’t go back home?
Glamour: If you could offer a message to the millions of young women who look up to you, what would you tell someone who found herself in a similar situation?
Rihanna: Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”
Knowing whether you are a victim of domestic abuse isn’t as easy as some people would think. It tends to happen so slowly that you aren’t sure where it all came from. Perhaps your partner used to be a loving, supportive person but he now yells and calls you names. Maybe he restricts your access to your family and friends, or doesn’t want you to have a job outside the home, but he says it’s because he loves you. Or he hit you once, but was absolutely sorry and swears he’ll never do it again. Or he’s hit you more than once, but sometimes you think you deserve it, and besides, you don’t know where you’d go if you left. And you’re afraid of how mad he’ll be if you tried. Or you have children and pets and aren’t sure how you’d take care of them on your own.
Are any of these scenarious familiar to you?
They are ALL domestic abuse. None of the above behaviors are acceptable. Domestic abuse is all about control – the abuser is trying desperately to totally control you. And it’s very very complicated, because you love him. But sometimes that’s just not enough.
“He was definitely my first big love,” Rihanna says in a short excerpt on ABCNews. “The more in love we became, the more dangerous we became for each another.
“This happened to me, and it can happen to anybody.”
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is available 24/7, 365 days a year for advice and counseling. If you would just like to talk to someone to figure out if what you are experiencing is abuse, please call them. It is anonymous and they have your safety in mind.
The numbers are 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and for TTY, 1-800-787-3224. Their website is http://www.ndvh.org/.
The Glamour interview:
http://www.glamour.com/women-of-the-year/2009/rihanna?currentPage=2
The Diane Sawyer interview:
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/rihanna-speaks-diane-sawyer-abc-exclusive/story?id=8975618
If you have left a domestic violence situation in the past, please consider writing a little bit about your decision to leave and how hard it was here. It will help others who are reading this post and who want to leave but don’t think they can. Thank you so much, in advance.