Let me be clear: I am incredibly grateful for family.
But this is not about that part of Thanksgiving. This is about the part where past and present clash around the Thanksgiving table, leaving us feeling just a little insane.
This is about how we fall into old roles when we’re all together in the kitchen; how we feel a little awkward that our mom or dad still doesn’t really understand what we do for a living, or that our sister hates our boyfriend, or how our “little” brother has somehow grown to be 6-foot-5 and towers over us.
This is the part about how we get to someone’s house at 2 p.m. to celebrate the holiday, and by 2:30 we are certain that if we don’t leave immediately we will lose our minds. And then the cook announces that dinner will be late because the turkey just will not finish cooking. The kids are already cranky because there are no video games in sight.
And suddenly, you revert to the role you played at 13, or 15. You cease to become the functioning adult who makes decisions and accomplishes things in the real world, and you reclaim your old, familiar place within the family – regardless of how dysfunctional it was. And you really want a drink.
Ah, now I have you, don’t I? You are very familiar with this Thanksgiving, even if you, too, love your family and are grateful to have them.
Psychology Today understands.
“Why do we get so caught up in our expectations and crazy family dynamics?
“Long story short, we go down the same roads in our brain over and over again. When we have an experience, the neurons that fire together in response to that experience tend to get wired together.
Those roads get built up over time into superhighways to hell.
“Let's take the experience of Thanksgiving at your Aunt Louise when you're four years old. All of a sudden, she angrily and sharply criticizes you in front of everyone at the table because you're not well-behaved enough. Your brain takes this in and puts it into readily accessible storage: "Aunt Louise = Anger + Shame."
“Your brain sets up a sort of template so that if the same stimuli come your way again, you'll be prepared, even if only to cringe, or duck and cover. Subsequently, when you hear Aunt Louise's voice, or smell the same perfume that she wears, or even sit at the traditionally set Thanksgiving table, your brain recognizes the cues (even if your conscious mind doesn't), and you react without even realizing it.
“You might get tight in your stomach, or clench your jaw. You might overeat to try to soothe what has gotten stirred up -- often without even knowing that that's what's going on. You might even have this reaction in anticipation of getting in the car to go to Thanksgiving dinner.”
The key to avoiding such misery?
Be mindful. Be aware that this happens, and find a way to keep yourself in the moment. Determine ahead of time that when these patterns begin, when your template starts to activate itself, that you’ll stay consciously aware and resist the old pattern. Perhaps it means you deliberately go quiet when the scene gets loud. Perhaps you put something in your pocket – a touchstone of sorts – to remind yourself to stay with yourself instead of adding to the drama.
And Psychology Today suggests a bit of meditation. Nothing lengthy, just a bit of practice so you can bring yourself back to your center when things are getting a bit nutty around you:
“Meditation can be as simple as taking five minutes - or even just three minutes - every day, and being aware of the busy-ness of your brain re-hashing the past or anticipating the future.
“You don't have to get rid of the busy-ness - just notice it, and then gently bring your attention back to this moment, even if it's just the itch on your knee.
“Mindfulness meditation is about focusing your attention on something simple, like your breathing; noticing when your mind has drifted (or lunged) into its usual busy-ness and distraction; and bringing your attention back to that simple focus.
“It's a constant struggle - and that's the point. It's a constant struggle in the same way that being with your family at the holidays can be -- not a fight, necessarily, but a challenge for you to not get caught up in the family nuttiness.
“Practice at getting better letting go of the struggle in your head, and you get better and better at letting go of the struggle with others. You can more effectively choose to go down a different road.”
Use today and tomorrow for a bit of practice, and see if you can keep yourself from feeling like you’re 15 again. After all, we have an entire month of holidays coming up ahead.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rewire-your-brain-love/200911/dont-get-hooked-the-family-craziness-using-brain-wise-meditation-
Here's your chance
You've got the chance here to vent about your family craziness. What do you want to avoid this year? What's your nightmare? Do you think you can stay above the fray? Do you have tips for others?