From lover to mother, from teacher to student, from professional executive to underappreciated maid, from daughter to grandmother and back again, women juggle roles frequently throughout the course of their lives. Sometimes they juggle consecutive roles repeatedly throughout the day and, some would argue, perhaps throughout the hour.
As deft and skilled as any magician, a working mom can fold laundry, pack lunches, write silly love notes to her children and still make time to make love to her husband, pick up his mother from the train station and prepare her powerpoint for an important meeting at work the next day.
In fact, many women take these responsibilities as a matter of course. Being the loving and caring people that they are, they simply cannot imagine letting any of it go.
Even when women do not work outside the home, or even when working women do not have children or families to care for, they still juggle multiple roles and identities, simply as a matter of their very existence at times.
While many women are marvelously capable, some still struggle to find themselves in the midst of all these parts that they play. The physical, psychological and emotional depletion and exhaustion that many women can experience leads to a negative cycle of caring for all responsibilities while failing to care for oneself.
Finding time for me has become a very catchy phrase in the last five years or so. As more women are realizing that they put their health, their hobbies, their interests and their personal time on a back burner, there has been a real trend toward carving out time during the day or the week to get back to something meaningful and not fraught with responsibility toward others.
A women may feel she is pulled in a thousand directions with no pause, no time out, no break for just sitting and processing what is happening in her life. Unhealthy ways of coping with the strain of never having any down time can include:
-Drinking too heavily
-Eating the wrong foods or overeating
-Compulsively exercising or dieting
-Smoking
-Engaging in other unhealthy outlets
It is truly crucial not only for the members of a woman's family and for the security of her job, but for her own quality of life and well being that she take stock of the areas in which she is pushing too much, too far, and find some support.
This is especially true for women who feel compelled to do things on their own, whether by necessity or by choice. Asking for help may not come easily for such women, but it is vitally important if she is to continue to thrive.
After all, if she is the one her children, her partner and her boss all go to for an extra hour of whatever it is they need, isn't it only fair that she sometimes relies on them for something as well?
Here are some stress-coping-strategies for the role juggling woman who keeps all the balls in the air and sometimes just needs to lay them down so they are quiet and still:
- Encourage play dates for your children, no matter what their age.
While it may seem like more work for you to have your children's friends over, it is shockingly sometimes a relief. Not only are your children occupied and having fun, but you are no longer their primary source of board game/book reading/walk-in-the-woods partner. You may need to buy some extra snacks and serve some extra cookies, but once those little ones (or teenaged big ones) are fueled up and full, chances are you will actually be able to shower, read a book, catch up on work or, for shame, even nap for a half hour while your young ones play with their guest.
It's almost too good to be true, but if the friendship is real, it's a pleasure. Not only that, but if you have your childrens' friends over to your house often, you know they are safe.
Bonus: Parents of friends usually want to reciprocate so if you make a concerted effort to have your childrens' friends over, you will often have an empty house, too, as they play at their buddy's house. Not a bad deal. Plus, socialization for kids that's healthy and positive builds their self esteem like nothing else can, giving you a few hours of feeling you're doing everything right for them.
- Stay at work an hour longer.
O.K., this may seem counterintuitive right? Why would staying at work longer give you a break in any way? The reason is preparedness and planning reduces stress. By putting in an extra hour you can tie up any loose ends left hanging at the end of the day, have a quiet moment or two to really think about what is expected of you and go home without it hanging on your mind. This can really carry over into a more peaceful morning the next day, as well, when you know you are ready to walk into work.
-Ask your boss for time off when your children are involved in something important.
This type of asking for help is really necessary for you to feel you are appreciated at work and that you are not letting your children down. One of the biggest areas of stress for working mothers, especially, is the sense that she is doing everything constantly but never fully. She doesn't want to feel she is missing ballet recitals and ball games because of the budget meeting. So being up front and asking appropriately for an hour or a half day here and there is not only all right, it's vital. By making sure you are a hard and thoughtful employee and not taking advantage of the situation, you will be able to ask when you really need it and, if it's a company that values you, you should be able to have that.
- Go out with your significant other.
Whether it's a vacation to Cancun or just a quiet dinner that takes two hours, getting time away from daily chores and responsibilities with your partner can rejuvenate and renew your relationship and your spirit in ways nothing else can. Making that time to be together is part of making time for yourself, keeping that connection vibrant and healthy.
-Lock the door without guilt.
It's okay to tell your children or your partner that you're taking a time out for a half hour, or an hour (some women even take entire weekends to themselves once in awhile!). Go ahead and set up the plans to do this, talk it out, work it out, plan it out, whatever it takes, just take some time for yourself to do whatever it is you want to do and you will feel that you may actually find yourself underneath all those hats you wear, solid head and everything.
Aimee Boyle juggles and carries on, writes, teaches, mothers and loves in CT.