Oh my God it's so great that you have a boyfriend, but I mean, can you please just stop showing off the necklace, the ring, the stories of so much great sex, the cozy romantic nights, etc, etc? I was happy for you but now I just want you to break up so I can feel good again.
O.K., this is extreme. But many of us have been in a situation where we are being subjected to a ruminating, perseverating girlfriend regaling us over and over with story after anecdote of how amazing her partner is, how loving, how attentive, how wonderful. Which is, at first, wonderful. The bragging, in-your-face showing off quality of this can really become grating to the point of angering you out of your happiness for her in a very short period of time.
How about you? Have you done it yourself? Why do you do it? Have you found someone finally who treats you with respect, with love, even admiration? Does it make you want to shout about it from the rooftops and then, once you do, to grab everyone you see and tell them about it for the rest of the day?
Showing some restraint in all things, whether it is complaining or boasting, is a very good quality to have. Not only does it save your friends from having to wish you the worst, it also keeps some of that glee and joyful gratitude where it belongs; in your heart. Venting or complaining to friends helps us through difficult times, but too much is not okay, it's dumping. Likewise, sharing your joy and your passion with your friends is also the beauty of life and increases your happiness but too much doesn't smack of celebration, it smacks of insecurity.
The whole modern idea of the woman's engagement ring being the ultimate symbol of her achievement in her relationship embodies, for me, this bragging, conceit, this almost narcissistic desire to be envied, to be catapulted into the upper stratosphere of demi-goddesses on pedestals. With the engagement ring now being the center of the woman's accessories, she shoves it in people's faces on television, in gossip magazines, and, horribly, in real life. Her girlfriends are supposed to giggle and bow, or curtsey, or something; ladies-in-waiting blushing for the queen. It's just weird.
It's a wonderful, glorious thing to have a good, solid, healthy relationship but if you are at the receiving end of the blathering on about it, you can tell your sister - kindly, to tone it down a bit. Or, better yet, just move on, pick another topic, hang up the phone a bit earlier than usual.
If you are the one doing all the blathering it's time to ask yourself why. Why do you need to talk so much about how terrific your relationship is? Are you afraid it really won't turn out to be everything you'd hoped? Are you concerned that your friends think you're unworthy of a great relationship and you need to prove them wrong? Is it you, deep down, who thinks you may not be worthy of this and must keep reinforcing it over and over for your own self worth?
By examining the reasons why we harp on certain topics, we can free ourselves from the rigidity of saying the same things over and over, or risk losing good friends by competing, ever so subtly, to have the best relationship. Remembering that bragging is a way of warding off insecurity is important. While confidence and happiness are wonderful, showing off is going too far. Recognizing that line is so difficult, but friends really appreciate it when they can rejoice with you, for you, and not feel they are being hit over the head with your love hammer.
Aimee Boyle is a mother and teacher, writer and dog walker in CT.