As i said, i have been in a relationship with this boy for close to two years. we started out as amazing friends and i think our friendship still exists immensely though we are now together. everything was going amazingly, i've never been happier, until 6 months ago, around november, he used the "i think we need to talk" phrase. my heart sank cos only my worst day-dreams did i picture such a thing and i couldn't believe it was happening. i actually thought it was a dream. what he told me was (as he started crying -- something i have never seen him do) was say "i don't know if we should be together anymore, i just want to try being single" i asked him if i did something or if he still loved me, he said "off course i still love you, i am just now sure of exactly what i want, i want to be with you, and you're like my closest friend, you mean a lot to me, you're closer than some family i have and i don't want to loose our friendship, so nothing would change except that we wouldn't be 'boyfriend-girlfriend' anymore"... not believing anything that happening and loving him so much that i wanted to do nothing more than understand where he is coming from, i just nodded my head and said ok.
a part of me knew that there was no point in asking questions - the fact that he said he didn't know was enough to tell me that i should give him his space, room to figure out what he wants. this conversation also coincided with a christmas holiday we were about to have and so he said, "i wanna be on a break for a while, i don't know how i will feel once uni opens again but i know that this is what i think i want now". i said alright, there was nothing i could do.
i have some clothes at his place you know the usual relationship scenario which "no pressure to move out cos we're stilll friends its just the 'togetherness' that i am not sure about". so that night we ate dinner as we had always planned to and watched a movie without any problems. the next day we were meeting to go out for lunch - something also pre-planned and it was fine. sure, i had some moments where i just felt like i wanted to BE with him but i told myself that at the end of the day, im not loosing a friend - the foundation of where we are today and that somehow contented me. HOwever, because i know that he didn't not want to be away from me, but was torn between being a 20 yr old wanting to "find his way single" and be with someone he loves, that next ngiht he voluntarily got happy about somehing and kissed me on the cheeck as he always did. i didn't make it odd, just went with the flow. that night he told me not to go home and that he wanted me to stay the night with him. i just asked him if he was sure, as i want him to feel like he is in control of whatever is going to make him happy. he is not one to whom you ask too many questions so thats fine. then the holidays came we exhcanged emails which were fun, no issues then he sent me a teext message saying "i miss you" along with some other content. i did not really react to it tho he knows i would have loved reading that.
the holidays ended and we were "together" cos he kissed me when we saw each other at the airport. then a couple of weeks later, i felt i knew somthing was wrong again. so i somehow took up the courage to ask him (fearing the worst). this time he said "you know what could be on my mind, we talked about it before the holidays" -- this time he wasn't as emotional as the first time. so i said ok, ill give you your space and we are officially on a break/broken up"... that also lasted 2 days, not because we didn't give "Each other time" but because that was what he wanted- and i made sure he knew what he was doing, given his past concerns, he said yes. since then we've been the same ppl we were before anything of this drama happened, he hugs me, kisses me on the cheeck , cuddles with me before me sleep and we just have fun together..
now in about a month, summer vacations are going to begin, 4 months and while we may b in the same country for some time, we might not see other (tho i hope that works out) and then in the last two months he is going to be in one area of the world and me in the other so we'll only then see each other when school reopens.
my FIRST concern: i am worried sometimes that before the holdiays or during he is going to turn to me and the whole "need a break" sutuation will come up -- like earlier i would understand but before the summer holiday it just seems too "opportune" for him so i get anxious about his motives -- tho he's a great guy, very open, tells me random things like "oh i met her at starbucks" without me saying anything.
now ... despite the above sentences, he also says things like "i think we should stay off campus next year, just buy a car and ill go with you whereever you want to travel" -- "so which building do you think you want to stay in?" "talk to your parents about it soon" - sort of signs that he wants to be with me basically ..
but then and this is my SECOND concern/worry/confusion
two days ago i was over at his place and he went out to meet someone and his computer was open, i wanted to sign into my facebook account when i found a recent gmail chat open of him talking to a really good friend of his - in that chat he tells the friend (who is in another country) that "me and (my girlfriend) sort of broke up" .. the friend asks why.. he says "it was getting monotonous" .. but that same night, we had a blast, cuddled and really enjoyed ourselves :S
then below on that chat there was a conversation with another friend saying "we kinda broke up" and when asked why "it was getting monotonous and i didn't feel the same way i used to" -- then he agreed that he will know what my status is in his mind after he goes on holiday.
first: the latter comment was said to a good friend but there have been instances where my bf to some friends specifically says things to his friends which aren't the case, evn in front of my on the phone, just for the sake of it, like not saying it would present a different image of him in their minds (too committed and only in college?!).
second: i only read these cos i saw my name and love to read what he says about me to his friends <-- first time i saw this
both times he had those conversations, nothing was diff between us and i didn't react cos i told myself that i didn't reallllly know why he did that and so getting upset would be a waste of time, and could be over anything ...
what i am really asking is whether or not you know why he may be telling his friends something like what is written above when the reality is different?
sorry for the longggg message but i just wanted to give you all the right context.
also, i really like a positive feedback on anything even if it is negative, a positive tone helps cos i am really sensative to this issue -- it just worries me.
thank you so much!