"With all due respect, I often compare the mother-daughter relationship to being on a roller coaster, the big, scary kind that you’re able to see from the next town over and whose passengers can be heard shrieking from miles away."
This is a quote from “Side by Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication” by Dr. Charles Sophy and Brown Kogen.
If you are lucky enough to have your mother in your life, you understand what the authors in the above quote are saying. Why is the mother-daughter relationship so daunting? Could it have anything to do with a mother's advice?
When you were a young adult and going out with the girls, the last thing you wanted to hear was: "Don't stay out late, don't drink too much, and stay away from shady-looking guys." In addition, you wanted to scream when she said, "When are you going to settle down and get married?"
After awhile, the partying got old and you finally found Mr. Right. Of course you wanted your mother's help with the wedding, right? Mama's lofty experience awarded her as being the "go-to" person when it came to the invitations, the center pieces, the reception, etc. Can weddings cause relationship issues between mother and daughter? You betcha.
While mother may believe she's an oracle of knowledge, she may forget what the wedding day is all about. Is it her daughter's happiness or the event all of mother's friends will talk about for the next decade? "You don't really want buffet style, do you? Do you really think the strapless gown is appropriate? Yes, we simply must invite your father's aunt from Poughkeepsie."
The wedding is over. Your new hubby has been offered a job in another state. After tearful good-byes, you move to your new home and begin to create a new life. Mother insists on chatting with you everyday. You wouldn't have it any other way.
In a few years, baby number one comes along. Mother takes a month family leave from her job and comes to help with the little one. You are elated and so appreciative. You've subscribed to Parents magazine and have talked endlessly to other new moms about this exhausting yet thrilling new adventure, but nobody knows how to handle a baby like mom. You are so glad she's here.
Although your mom's advice is often warranted, sometimes it feels more like criticism. "Do you really think he should go out without a hat? Don't forget to hold her back straight. Don't let his head fall back. Who said you should lay her on her back at night?"
You love mother dearly, but by week three you've had it with her constant advice. Your husband has threatened to move out if you don't send that woman home today! In fact, he gave you a blank check for airfare. "Bye, bye, Mother - I love you."
The kids are now in elementary school and mom flies in for Katie's upcoming dance recital and stays for two weeks. It's so wonderful to have mom around even though her comments begin to grate on you.
"You only change the sheets once a week? I didn't realize little Katie was wearing plus sizes. When is the last time your husband helped with the dishes? Have you taken Johnny to an orthodontist yet?" And the dreaded personal attack: "Why don't you let me watch the kids while you go have something done with your hair?"
In her new book, "You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation", Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. said, "A mother may ask a question or say something because she's trying to connect with her daughter. But the daughter hears the remark as trying to butt in."
Okay mothers and daughters--let's hear your comments. Does your mother give great advice or is she just "butting-in"?
Excerpted from “Side by Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication” by Dr. Charles Sophy and Brown Kogen. Copyright (c) 2010, reprinted with permission from HarperOne.
http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/why-mothers-daughters-cant-just-get-along
Reviewed May 30, 2011
Edited by Alison Stanton