When you start to get the jitters about paying a visit in the hospital, just remember that your friend or loved one wants out more than you do. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s not about you! That may seem obvious, but it’s easy to forget when we get uncomfortable and come up with excuses not to pay a visit or check on a friend’s well-being.
As a health advocate, I’ve spent a lot of time visiting and advocating for people in the hospital. And there are still times when I just don’t want to go there. When that happens, I always remember a dear friend who had surgery because of a bleed in her brain. I rationalized not visiting her in the hospital because she was too sick and I didn’t want to bother her.
When I saw her after she got home, I was devastated when she asked me where I’d been. Why was I not there with her in the hospital when she needed me most? I made a vow to myself that day that I would never to do that to another friend. I hope you won’t either.
If you’re like many people, part of the problem is that you’re just not sure how to act when you get to the hospital room. So here are my tips to ease your worries:
• Keep it private – This room is the patient’s bedroom. If you wouldn’t walk into his or her bedroom at home without knocking, don’t do it here. Tap lightly and listen for an answer. Or peek around the door to see what’s going on without barging right in.
• Keep it short – 15 minutes is my maximum for a drop-in visit unless I am specifically invited to stay longer. You’re not there to be entertained. You are there to let your friend know you wish her well and that you are there if she needs anything.
• Keep it simple – Bringing a gift can be nice, but it is not required. Your friend wants to see you, not the loot you’re bringing her. I think a heartfelt card is more meaningful than a gift. And remember that whatever you bring in she has to deal with when it’s time to go home. So keep gifts small and simple.
• Keep quiet – If your friend is asleep when you arrive, leave her alone. If she’s sleeping it means she needs the rest to help her recover. And that’s the most important thing she can do right now. You can always talk to her nurse to find out if she had a restless night or if she has been asleep for a while. If she is likely to wake up soon, get a cup of coffee and come back. Or just leave a note with the nurse so your friend will know you stopped by.
• Keep it polite – Unless you are acting as advocate or your friend invited you to help with medical decisions, you need to step out if the nurse or doctor comes into the room. You should also step out if your friend needs to use the bathroom, unless she requests your help getting in or out of bed.
• Keep it clean – Germs are always the enemy in hospital rooms. So don’t think the sink is just for the hospital staff. Wash your hands on the way in and out of the room to protect your friend and yourself. Your friend’s immune system is already in overdrive while she is sick, so don’t risk sharing any outside germs by kissing her face. And if there is even the slightest chance you are sick yourself, don’t even think about paying a visit.
If the patient is in Intensive Care or the ICU, all bets are off. You may not be allowed into the room at all and you probably won’t be allowed to leave any gifts, especially flowers. But even in ICU you can always drop off a card or personal note so your friend will know you cared enough to stop by, even if you can’t say hello in person.
The bottom line is to be the best friend you can be when someone you love is sick. A visit to the hospital will let him or her know you care. And that’s the most important thing you can do.