Bulimia is seductive, isn't it? It seems so easy -- eat what calls to you, but don't suffer the consequences of the calories. The throwing up isn't fun, but it's over quickly, and with it comes that rush of still being "clean," of not having "ruined" what the starving got you.
But you know that it leads nowhere good. Those 40 pounds are hated, I know. I know what it's like to have your clothes not fit well, to look in your closet for SOMETHING to wear that looks and feels good and to come out with only OK or poor choices. It's depressing and it's not a good moment for self-caretaking. It's a moment for fast choices that seem to lead to the promised land -- the way we used to look/feel.
But the bulimia makes you feel bad about yourself. In addition, it can hurt your teeth and gums, make you tired and dehydrated, give you anemia and indigestion, abnormal bowel function and menstrual irregularities. Your body is not meant to function as an eating and purging machine. I know you know this and that it still is hard to even think about eating without purging. But you have to think about it. You're hurting yourself badly here.
What happened two years ago that got this going? Can you talk about that a little?
Did you know that there are studies going on about what's different in a bulimic's brain than a "normal brain?" One of the differences is the level of seratonin, which can be treated with anti-depressants that help your brain pick up the levels of that chemical. (Do you think you are suffering from depression? The links between bulimia and depression may surprise you.) You might ask your counselor about this:
Because those chemical things, they're just not our fault, you know? If our chemistry is off, we're off. Plain and simple. I have ADD. The chemistry and structure of my brain is different than that of a person who doesn't have ADD. Must I have medicine to function? No, but I tell you what: My world is completely different with the medicine. I can tell, when I take it, that I need it. Am I happy about needing to take a medicine for life? No, I'm not, but I'm very happy that I've found something that helps me succeed on a daily basis. It might be the same for you. (And if you don't want to consider meds, exercise helps enormously to bring up your seratonin levels. Do you have a chance to exercise at all?)
It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor, and that's so important. I think it's also important that she knows what it's like to have an eating disorder. Can't you go to the nutritionist out of simple trust for your counselor? Yes, you know that the nutritionist will tell you to eat lean foods, small amounts, fish, chicken, vegetables, fruit and whole grains, and to drink water and exercise. Boring boring boring. But what's not boring is this: Feeling Back In Control of Yourself.
Right now, you actually feel like you have control, but you don't. In those moments when you're making yourself throw up, you have zero control. In those times when you're binging, you have no control. And it doesn't feel good, and it hurts you mentally and physically.
Your nutritionist knows the psychological side of an eating disorder as well as the nutrition side, and I think that's amazing. Could you just make one appointment, to go and tell her that you've fallen off the wagon and you're not sure how to get back on? That you know how you should be eating but that you aren't doing it? I am guessing that not only will she not judge you, she might be able to throw you a life preserver in terms of your fear that "if you start eating you'll never stop."
It IS hell, you are right. I'm so sorry you're going through it. Please write back to us at EmpowHer. We're here for you, whether you're eating or not, whether you feel in control or not. Please update us on what you're thinking and what's going on that makes this cycle so hard to break.
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Hi, Shelley. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer.
Bulimia is seductive, isn't it? It seems so easy -- eat what calls to you, but don't suffer the consequences of the calories. The throwing up isn't fun, but it's over quickly, and with it comes that rush of still being "clean," of not having "ruined" what the starving got you.
But you know that it leads nowhere good. Those 40 pounds are hated, I know. I know what it's like to have your clothes not fit well, to look in your closet for SOMETHING to wear that looks and feels good and to come out with only OK or poor choices. It's depressing and it's not a good moment for self-caretaking. It's a moment for fast choices that seem to lead to the promised land -- the way we used to look/feel.
But the bulimia makes you feel bad about yourself. In addition, it can hurt your teeth and gums, make you tired and dehydrated, give you anemia and indigestion, abnormal bowel function and menstrual irregularities. Your body is not meant to function as an eating and purging machine. I know you know this and that it still is hard to even think about eating without purging. But you have to think about it. You're hurting yourself badly here.
What happened two years ago that got this going? Can you talk about that a little?
Did you know that there are studies going on about what's different in a bulimic's brain than a "normal brain?" One of the differences is the level of seratonin, which can be treated with anti-depressants that help your brain pick up the levels of that chemical. (Do you think you are suffering from depression? The links between bulimia and depression may surprise you.) You might ask your counselor about this:
https://www.empowher.com/news/2009/01/06/brains-bulimia-patients-wired-differently
Because those chemical things, they're just not our fault, you know? If our chemistry is off, we're off. Plain and simple. I have ADD. The chemistry and structure of my brain is different than that of a person who doesn't have ADD. Must I have medicine to function? No, but I tell you what: My world is completely different with the medicine. I can tell, when I take it, that I need it. Am I happy about needing to take a medicine for life? No, I'm not, but I'm very happy that I've found something that helps me succeed on a daily basis. It might be the same for you. (And if you don't want to consider meds, exercise helps enormously to bring up your seratonin levels. Do you have a chance to exercise at all?)
It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor, and that's so important. I think it's also important that she knows what it's like to have an eating disorder. Can't you go to the nutritionist out of simple trust for your counselor? Yes, you know that the nutritionist will tell you to eat lean foods, small amounts, fish, chicken, vegetables, fruit and whole grains, and to drink water and exercise. Boring boring boring. But what's not boring is this: Feeling Back In Control of Yourself.
Right now, you actually feel like you have control, but you don't. In those moments when you're making yourself throw up, you have zero control. In those times when you're binging, you have no control. And it doesn't feel good, and it hurts you mentally and physically.
Your nutritionist knows the psychological side of an eating disorder as well as the nutrition side, and I think that's amazing. Could you just make one appointment, to go and tell her that you've fallen off the wagon and you're not sure how to get back on? That you know how you should be eating but that you aren't doing it? I am guessing that not only will she not judge you, she might be able to throw you a life preserver in terms of your fear that "if you start eating you'll never stop."
It IS hell, you are right. I'm so sorry you're going through it. Please write back to us at EmpowHer. We're here for you, whether you're eating or not, whether you feel in control or not. Please update us on what you're thinking and what's going on that makes this cycle so hard to break.
June 10, 2009 - 8:40amThis Comment
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