A great and yet touchy subject. I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 2 children under the age of 10. I have always been the major breadwinner until 2 years ago (economy...) and my husband has progressive MS. He is in a wheelchair fulltime and luckily still works fulltime. For the most part, we have a great family life, but the MS is really another addition to the family that abruptly enters the room without notice and regularly destroys the aura or ambiance of any given moment. There is no warning of MS entrance into the room and no way of knowing how long MS will stay and how violent MS will be on that given moment. I have cared and continue too care for my husband - that includes dressing/undressing, cleaning up urine soaked pants, sheets and floors, dealing with emotional outbursts, exhaustive fits of rage and depression, etc. I do it, because I love him and our family needs him. When things are good, we laugh and all have fun together, but when things turn bad - they are really bad and that is usually about 4-5 times each week, in the evening and 3-4 times on his 3 days off from work. Slowly, I have become more of a caregiver, nurse, maid, cleaner,, etc and not a wife. We have no sexual life and though it may be possible, it is something I do not desire from him anymore. There is little intimacy and no companionship as a married couple anymore, because it has been taken over by MS. I crave being alone and I crave the male attention that used to come with being married. I have had a couple of brief sexual affairs which has actually helped my attitude. I find myself less resentfull and more willing to do the things that are offputting because I have someone taking care of my needs. It may be selfish of me or certainly 'not right', but I have justified it in my mind. I don't want to hurt my husband by telling him that he is not fullfilling my needs - having MS is not his fault. But a person can only take so much and 24/7 caregiving with little in return can make a person crazy and very resentful. It was beginning to wear on my immensely and I either needed to leave him, accept a life filled with resentment, pain and agony or choose to do something about my needs. I chose the latter. I do feel strange about it and even guilty at times, but those moments when I am pulling my hair out with his illness and his needs and the emotional trauma that comes with it.... I am glad I have someone to go to to fulfill my needs. My family will stay intact and he will continue to have me there to take care of him and that is the most important thing.
You have to do what is right for you - and not pay attention to anyone who would judge you. They have not walked in your shoes.
Comment Reply
A great and yet touchy subject. I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 2 children under the age of 10. I have always been the major breadwinner until 2 years ago (economy...) and my husband has progressive MS. He is in a wheelchair fulltime and luckily still works fulltime. For the most part, we have a great family life, but the MS is really another addition to the family that abruptly enters the room without notice and regularly destroys the aura or ambiance of any given moment. There is no warning of MS entrance into the room and no way of knowing how long MS will stay and how violent MS will be on that given moment. I have cared and continue too care for my husband - that includes dressing/undressing, cleaning up urine soaked pants, sheets and floors, dealing with emotional outbursts, exhaustive fits of rage and depression, etc. I do it, because I love him and our family needs him. When things are good, we laugh and all have fun together, but when things turn bad - they are really bad and that is usually about 4-5 times each week, in the evening and 3-4 times on his 3 days off from work. Slowly, I have become more of a caregiver, nurse, maid, cleaner,, etc and not a wife. We have no sexual life and though it may be possible, it is something I do not desire from him anymore. There is little intimacy and no companionship as a married couple anymore, because it has been taken over by MS. I crave being alone and I crave the male attention that used to come with being married. I have had a couple of brief sexual affairs which has actually helped my attitude. I find myself less resentfull and more willing to do the things that are offputting because I have someone taking care of my needs. It may be selfish of me or certainly 'not right', but I have justified it in my mind. I don't want to hurt my husband by telling him that he is not fullfilling my needs - having MS is not his fault. But a person can only take so much and 24/7 caregiving with little in return can make a person crazy and very resentful. It was beginning to wear on my immensely and I either needed to leave him, accept a life filled with resentment, pain and agony or choose to do something about my needs. I chose the latter. I do feel strange about it and even guilty at times, but those moments when I am pulling my hair out with his illness and his needs and the emotional trauma that comes with it.... I am glad I have someone to go to to fulfill my needs. My family will stay intact and he will continue to have me there to take care of him and that is the most important thing.
You have to do what is right for you - and not pay attention to anyone who would judge you. They have not walked in your shoes.
June 10, 2010 - 2:48pmThis Comment
Reply