Do you mean that you think he lied because something happen? Or that that could be a possible reason for him lying - just as him lying could have been because he just didn't want me to be upset that the girls were with him?
I'm not sure if the first two things he lied about would be considered big, but to me - a lie is a lie for the most part. I was upset that his goddaughter's parents, the woman mainly, never congratulated me on being pregnant. They're very close to him - and she used to call him quite often - to talk about her husband when they were having problems. That in itself made me a bit unneasy but I didn't say anything about it until I wasn't congratulated. I asked him not to say anything to them but about a week after bringing it up to him, I got a short email on facebook from her saying Congratulations. I just knew he'd said something - it was quite the coincidence otherwise, since they'd known about a month that I was pregnant at that point. He denied it SEVERAL times, and looked in my eyes several times and told me that he didn't say anything to her. I had also mentioned how I didn't think she was extremely friendly with me when I'd met her and there were a few emails that we exchanged on facebook when I added her as a friend - and I thought she was a little short with me at the time - I mentioned that she'd have to give me pointers on how to deal with the deployment etc... He actually asked her to forward those emails to him and I only found that out because he'd left his phone out and I clicked on his email. (I know I was snooping...but I'm a believer in snooping when you feel like you need to...this was before we were married and I was having my doubts on if I could trust him so felt justified.)
He still denies telling her that I thought she "didn't like me" as childish as that sounds - but I can't imagine the reason he said he wanted the emails forwarded to him... he gave me an excuse but it sounded extremely lame. I only found out that he did indeed lie about telling her I was upset that she hadn't congratulated me, because her husband actually called me - to say, I'm sorry you're feeling this way with him - but he's a great guy etc, I want us to all get along since you're going to be having his child and will probably be in his life for a very long time etc etc... I was pretty impressed that he called me...he also explained why his wife didn't call me. It was shortly after this lie that we started counseling.
The other lie(s) were about pornography when I first moved here, about a month after I moved here I guess. I had gotten a job waitressing for a little bit...and would get home and see that he'd been on these sights. He thought he'd deleted the history, but he hadn't cleared all of the evidence. Anyways - I am not hugely against pornography - I feel like it CAN be detrimental after a point, but am very pro him watching it when he's deployed, and even when he's not. What made me upset was that he was denying me sex quite often at the time. He said it was because we were arguing so much... he also was hurt playing soccer in high school and actually has some erectile disfunction. He always took a shot or a pill before he and his ex gf had sex, but didn't with me though so that at least made me feel better. I know this is a lot of info but I thought it was necessary to explain - because I feel like that could have went into him not wanting to have sex often as well (maybe I'm just trying to accept that excuse.) Honestly, I think I'm very attractive - I'm not feeling as attractive as I was in college, (I have lines creeping up by my eyes) but... this made me very insecure. It was almost like, I'd beg him for sex one night and not get it - go to work the next night, and see that he'd watched porn.
I moved down here because I really saw something good in him, or thought I did - and trusted him a bit more than I probably should have, because we both came from the same small town and had mutual friends. I knew he was deploying, and we both felt that this was our chance at a relationship - because if I'd moved to the city I was thinking of moving to, we'd have been 6 hours from eachother - and we just didn't think we'd be able to form a solid relationship that would get us through deployment. He told me 2 days before I moved here that he was in contact with girls he's slept with before. (He's only been with a handful of ppl which isn't bad compared to guys I knew in college) but....this got me upset.... one of them was an ex gf, one he worked with, and one was on a deployment with him (they had that emotional bond.) It was only once with the girl from his deployment, and once with the girl he worked with. I accepted (not very willingly) that he stay in touch with the girl from his deployment - he said they've both been there through their roughest times together - both saw someone killed while deployed - but couldn't accept the other two. He was pretty adamant about still talking to them, but finally gave in - although I just checked his voicemail two days ago and found out that the girl he worked with called him. I haven't confronted him about that yet, I wanted to be face to face with him when I do, so will tonight when he gets home at 9. (He was supposed to get back at 2 but they'd messed up the itinerary and didn't notice til today when they checked in at the airport.....)
So.... those were what the lies were about. He didn't want to quit talking to the girl he worked with because she was very knowledgeable in his subject area and wanted to be able to call her with questions at times - so I'm hoping that is the case - and I'm sure that's what he'll say - but It definitely makes me uneasy as WELL as the lying about thursday night. :(
And yes, him patronizing me basically when I'm so upset - doesn't help the situation one bit. I kind of feel like he's pretty unable to open up, and very afraid of letting his guard down and showing emotion - but it's still not fun to deal with. I know he's got feelings though - he was definitely a little teary when a girl on American Idol the other night sang "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood. He's heard that song quite a bit as I LOVE that song. Haha. I was in the process of making photo albums of our wedding for him to pack in his boxes for deployment. He wasn't even going to take boxes, because he felt like he didn't have time to pack them - and I stayed up literally ALL night because I wanted him to have pictures of the wedding and his family, and made copies of the vows we said to eachother, and I wanted him to have a warm blanket and pillow, and he finally pulled out a few things that he wanted to bring as well once he saw that I was serious about packing them for him.
I feel like he knows how much I love him - - I wouldn't do things like that for him if I didn't....and he knows how worried I am about him getting hurt...he knows I watched Restrepo on my own...and I tear up pretty often if we talk about the deployment. I am trying to be strong for him, and have gotten much better the past few wks about hiding those emotions/ worries...but I truly feel like he KNOWS how much I love him. Or should know. I think it's possible he's pretty insecure himself - a lot more so than he lets on.
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Thank you for your reply again Susan.
Do you mean that you think he lied because something happen? Or that that could be a possible reason for him lying - just as him lying could have been because he just didn't want me to be upset that the girls were with him?
I'm not sure if the first two things he lied about would be considered big, but to me - a lie is a lie for the most part. I was upset that his goddaughter's parents, the woman mainly, never congratulated me on being pregnant. They're very close to him - and she used to call him quite often - to talk about her husband when they were having problems. That in itself made me a bit unneasy but I didn't say anything about it until I wasn't congratulated. I asked him not to say anything to them but about a week after bringing it up to him, I got a short email on facebook from her saying Congratulations. I just knew he'd said something - it was quite the coincidence otherwise, since they'd known about a month that I was pregnant at that point. He denied it SEVERAL times, and looked in my eyes several times and told me that he didn't say anything to her. I had also mentioned how I didn't think she was extremely friendly with me when I'd met her and there were a few emails that we exchanged on facebook when I added her as a friend - and I thought she was a little short with me at the time - I mentioned that she'd have to give me pointers on how to deal with the deployment etc... He actually asked her to forward those emails to him and I only found that out because he'd left his phone out and I clicked on his email. (I know I was snooping...but I'm a believer in snooping when you feel like you need to...this was before we were married and I was having my doubts on if I could trust him so felt justified.)
He still denies telling her that I thought she "didn't like me" as childish as that sounds - but I can't imagine the reason he said he wanted the emails forwarded to him... he gave me an excuse but it sounded extremely lame. I only found out that he did indeed lie about telling her I was upset that she hadn't congratulated me, because her husband actually called me - to say, I'm sorry you're feeling this way with him - but he's a great guy etc, I want us to all get along since you're going to be having his child and will probably be in his life for a very long time etc etc... I was pretty impressed that he called me...he also explained why his wife didn't call me. It was shortly after this lie that we started counseling.
The other lie(s) were about pornography when I first moved here, about a month after I moved here I guess. I had gotten a job waitressing for a little bit...and would get home and see that he'd been on these sights. He thought he'd deleted the history, but he hadn't cleared all of the evidence. Anyways - I am not hugely against pornography - I feel like it CAN be detrimental after a point, but am very pro him watching it when he's deployed, and even when he's not. What made me upset was that he was denying me sex quite often at the time. He said it was because we were arguing so much... he also was hurt playing soccer in high school and actually has some erectile disfunction. He always took a shot or a pill before he and his ex gf had sex, but didn't with me though so that at least made me feel better. I know this is a lot of info but I thought it was necessary to explain - because I feel like that could have went into him not wanting to have sex often as well (maybe I'm just trying to accept that excuse.) Honestly, I think I'm very attractive - I'm not feeling as attractive as I was in college, (I have lines creeping up by my eyes) but... this made me very insecure. It was almost like, I'd beg him for sex one night and not get it - go to work the next night, and see that he'd watched porn.
I moved down here because I really saw something good in him, or thought I did - and trusted him a bit more than I probably should have, because we both came from the same small town and had mutual friends. I knew he was deploying, and we both felt that this was our chance at a relationship - because if I'd moved to the city I was thinking of moving to, we'd have been 6 hours from eachother - and we just didn't think we'd be able to form a solid relationship that would get us through deployment. He told me 2 days before I moved here that he was in contact with girls he's slept with before. (He's only been with a handful of ppl which isn't bad compared to guys I knew in college) but....this got me upset.... one of them was an ex gf, one he worked with, and one was on a deployment with him (they had that emotional bond.) It was only once with the girl from his deployment, and once with the girl he worked with. I accepted (not very willingly) that he stay in touch with the girl from his deployment - he said they've both been there through their roughest times together - both saw someone killed while deployed - but couldn't accept the other two. He was pretty adamant about still talking to them, but finally gave in - although I just checked his voicemail two days ago and found out that the girl he worked with called him. I haven't confronted him about that yet, I wanted to be face to face with him when I do, so will tonight when he gets home at 9. (He was supposed to get back at 2 but they'd messed up the itinerary and didn't notice til today when they checked in at the airport.....)
So.... those were what the lies were about. He didn't want to quit talking to the girl he worked with because she was very knowledgeable in his subject area and wanted to be able to call her with questions at times - so I'm hoping that is the case - and I'm sure that's what he'll say - but It definitely makes me uneasy as WELL as the lying about thursday night. :(
And yes, him patronizing me basically when I'm so upset - doesn't help the situation one bit. I kind of feel like he's pretty unable to open up, and very afraid of letting his guard down and showing emotion - but it's still not fun to deal with. I know he's got feelings though - he was definitely a little teary when a girl on American Idol the other night sang "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood. He's heard that song quite a bit as I LOVE that song. Haha. I was in the process of making photo albums of our wedding for him to pack in his boxes for deployment. He wasn't even going to take boxes, because he felt like he didn't have time to pack them - and I stayed up literally ALL night because I wanted him to have pictures of the wedding and his family, and made copies of the vows we said to eachother, and I wanted him to have a warm blanket and pillow, and he finally pulled out a few things that he wanted to bring as well once he saw that I was serious about packing them for him.
I feel like he knows how much I love him - - I wouldn't do things like that for him if I didn't....and he knows how worried I am about him getting hurt...he knows I watched Restrepo on my own...and I tear up pretty often if we talk about the deployment. I am trying to be strong for him, and have gotten much better the past few wks about hiding those emotions/ worries...but I truly feel like he KNOWS how much I love him. Or should know. I think it's possible he's pretty insecure himself - a lot more so than he lets on.
January 29, 2011 - 9:37amThis Comment
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