What have you done in the past that has been successful?
I think it's important to realize that you already do have some positive, helpful and effective strategies that you use. When you are in a good, reflective mood, write down what has helped you reframe thoughts in the past, and you'll remember them next time you need them!
I have the same problem that you describe (sometimes have felt like "everyone is mean" or "I'm the victim; why aren't people just naturally nice and polite?"), and I have to remind myself that the ONLY person's response and behavior I can change is my own. So, Step One for me was realizing that most people aren't even thinking about me; they are thinking about themselves and not doing anything purposefully to me. If it's the case of family or co-workers (that you can't escape from), then I give myself permission to not be overly-nice to them (my usual) and just pretend like I am doing a case study on different cultures, and I observe them more than interact with them. It helps me feel like I'm not "giving myself over" to their rudeness, but am still polite. Those types of people (who are mean) usually just want attention/an audience, anyways. Then, practice a few scripts/lines in front of the mirror that you can tell them to excuse yourself if you feel like you are being mistreated. You don't have to judge/label them or try to change them; just change your behavior and walk away.
Another strategy I've used:
"Don't Believe Everything You Think"
That motto (actually, a bumper sticker!) is what helps me change the way I'm thinking; not automatically believing that because you have a passing thought (or even a feeling) that it is necessarily something to act on, or dwell on, or respond to. Feelings and thoughts are both fleeting, and change often.
There are great resources on reframing and positive thinking. I recently wrote about my favorite, called "10 Patterns of Twisted Thinking", and you can read it here: https://www.empowher.com/community/share/dont-believe-everything-you-think-twisted-thinking-patterns
Another online source: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/twisted_thinking_two
There are books on how to reframe your thinking, here are two good ones:
"Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," David D. Burns, M.D.
"Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think," Dennis Greenberger, Ph.D. and C. Padesky, Ph.D.
Lastly,
Have you tried journaling? There is a great book that talks about the research and benefits to journaling, called "Opening Up". Have you written down what the "off comment" was, and then revisted it a week later? Most of the time, you won't remember why it bothered you so much, or you are able to put it into context (or, it may be a few of the same people making you feel bad...in which case...avoiding toxic people in your life is another helpful strategy).
Ok...this is the last comment I have! :-)
Obsessing about work projects and fires can be a good thing. Perhaps even reframing how you view yourself and how your mind works could help!? It seems like you are hard on yourself, and maybe telling yourself that your brain is working hard on this project/question/fire, and you are so dedicated that your brain is still trying to problem solve. Tell your brain: "you have 5 more minutes of problem solving, then we are going to relax and come back to the problem tomorrow at 8am". Give yourself permission, then actively do something else. It will take some practice; perhaps using that 5 minutes to write down the problem, so you know you won't forget it, and can revisit it again.
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What have you done in the past that has been successful?
I think it's important to realize that you already do have some positive, helpful and effective strategies that you use. When you are in a good, reflective mood, write down what has helped you reframe thoughts in the past, and you'll remember them next time you need them!
I have the same problem that you describe (sometimes have felt like "everyone is mean" or "I'm the victim; why aren't people just naturally nice and polite?"), and I have to remind myself that the ONLY person's response and behavior I can change is my own. So, Step One for me was realizing that most people aren't even thinking about me; they are thinking about themselves and not doing anything purposefully to me. If it's the case of family or co-workers (that you can't escape from), then I give myself permission to not be overly-nice to them (my usual) and just pretend like I am doing a case study on different cultures, and I observe them more than interact with them. It helps me feel like I'm not "giving myself over" to their rudeness, but am still polite. Those types of people (who are mean) usually just want attention/an audience, anyways. Then, practice a few scripts/lines in front of the mirror that you can tell them to excuse yourself if you feel like you are being mistreated. You don't have to judge/label them or try to change them; just change your behavior and walk away.
Another strategy I've used:
"Don't Believe Everything You Think"
That motto (actually, a bumper sticker!) is what helps me change the way I'm thinking; not automatically believing that because you have a passing thought (or even a feeling) that it is necessarily something to act on, or dwell on, or respond to. Feelings and thoughts are both fleeting, and change often.
There are great resources on reframing and positive thinking. I recently wrote about my favorite, called "10 Patterns of Twisted Thinking", and you can read it here: https://www.empowher.com/community/share/dont-believe-everything-you-think-twisted-thinking-patterns
Another online source: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/twisted_thinking_two
There are books on how to reframe your thinking, here are two good ones:
"Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," David D. Burns, M.D.
"Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think," Dennis Greenberger, Ph.D. and C. Padesky, Ph.D.
Lastly,
Have you tried journaling? There is a great book that talks about the research and benefits to journaling, called "Opening Up". Have you written down what the "off comment" was, and then revisted it a week later? Most of the time, you won't remember why it bothered you so much, or you are able to put it into context (or, it may be a few of the same people making you feel bad...in which case...avoiding toxic people in your life is another helpful strategy).
Ok...this is the last comment I have! :-)
Obsessing about work projects and fires can be a good thing. Perhaps even reframing how you view yourself and how your mind works could help!? It seems like you are hard on yourself, and maybe telling yourself that your brain is working hard on this project/question/fire, and you are so dedicated that your brain is still trying to problem solve. Tell your brain: "you have 5 more minutes of problem solving, then we are going to relax and come back to the problem tomorrow at 8am". Give yourself permission, then actively do something else. It will take some practice; perhaps using that 5 minutes to write down the problem, so you know you won't forget it, and can revisit it again.
Does any of this help??
December 18, 2008 - 1:20pmThis Comment
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