I have been with my partner for 11 years now and we were friends for 10 years before we got together. We have been through so much together and held strong, I never imagined we would get to the point we are now. It began with physical disabilities on her part, lymphedema and spinal stenosis. Suddenly, because she was no longer strong physically, she went spiraling down into a depressive state of feeling worthless. I did my best to encourage and support her through this time, sitting in on counseling and medical sessions as her advocate at her request. Still, no doctor or counselor ever said or did what she wanted them to do, although she can't articulate what it is that she wants. It got worse, two suicide attempts, living with and caring for her abusive father through the last few months of his life and his dementia, and several moves. She has cancer now and is more physically disabled, unable to walk without a walker, to turn her head or even straighten one of her legs. Nothing I have done convinces her that I love her. She has ceased to try to do anything for herself now, preferring to leave everything up to me. I feel an incredible burden of trying to oversee our household, moving and settling, getting health insurance and medical care, and seeing that both of our properties are cared for. In the last year, everything is now my decision and responsibility, right down to if she does something, when she'll do it, and without any asking for it on her part. She sits in her recliner and watches murder documentaries and Dr Phil all day and resents me for not reading her mind. All of this stress and the constant drone of murders and dysfunction on all day have sent me into a spiral of my own that is leaving our house in total chaos. I have explained the effect that the TV choices have on me but she doesn't show any understanding or try to turn them to something else. It's gotten so bad lately that I have caught myself thinking that if the cancer is going to kill her, I wish it would just hurry up and get the job done. It sounds callous, but she is suicidal everyday now and moaning about how worthless she is because she can't help with housework, though I have told her that isn't true. How long do I have to continue to put her needs ahead of mine? How long do I have to cater to her suicidal tendencies, which have been ongoing throughout our relationship, before the stress of doing so drives me to consider suicide as a viable escape route? I know she isn't going to live long, she has too many health issues but I'd like to emerge at the end of this relationship with some semblance of myself intact and not have to start over on who I am from the beginning.
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I have been with my partner for 11 years now and we were friends for 10 years before we got together. We have been through so much together and held strong, I never imagined we would get to the point we are now. It began with physical disabilities on her part, lymphedema and spinal stenosis. Suddenly, because she was no longer strong physically, she went spiraling down into a depressive state of feeling worthless. I did my best to encourage and support her through this time, sitting in on counseling and medical sessions as her advocate at her request. Still, no doctor or counselor ever said or did what she wanted them to do, although she can't articulate what it is that she wants. It got worse, two suicide attempts, living with and caring for her abusive father through the last few months of his life and his dementia, and several moves. She has cancer now and is more physically disabled, unable to walk without a walker, to turn her head or even straighten one of her legs. Nothing I have done convinces her that I love her. She has ceased to try to do anything for herself now, preferring to leave everything up to me. I feel an incredible burden of trying to oversee our household, moving and settling, getting health insurance and medical care, and seeing that both of our properties are cared for. In the last year, everything is now my decision and responsibility, right down to if she does something, when she'll do it, and without any asking for it on her part. She sits in her recliner and watches murder documentaries and Dr Phil all day and resents me for not reading her mind. All of this stress and the constant drone of murders and dysfunction on all day have sent me into a spiral of my own that is leaving our house in total chaos. I have explained the effect that the TV choices have on me but she doesn't show any understanding or try to turn them to something else. It's gotten so bad lately that I have caught myself thinking that if the cancer is going to kill her, I wish it would just hurry up and get the job done. It sounds callous, but she is suicidal everyday now and moaning about how worthless she is because she can't help with housework, though I have told her that isn't true. How long do I have to continue to put her needs ahead of mine? How long do I have to cater to her suicidal tendencies, which have been ongoing throughout our relationship, before the stress of doing so drives me to consider suicide as a viable escape route? I know she isn't going to live long, she has too many health issues but I'd like to emerge at the end of this relationship with some semblance of myself intact and not have to start over on who I am from the beginning.
September 4, 2015 - 8:05pmThis Comment
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