I can reassure everyone that when the time comes to leave, you will know. For me it has been very long process, and I do not regret it because there were moments of beauty interspersed, and I was trying and seeing some sort of feedback from my husband. Now he has given up, and basically told me so. There is nothing else I can do to rekindle our love. Believe me, if anyone has tried it all it is me. I even had another baby (who I adore by the way!). I finally drew a line and though it may seem superficial it is not-it was my deal breaker-it was regarding the lack of sex and intimacy. I clearly communicated my needs and even alternatives to him (yes, alternatives to sex I would have been ok with-he refused). After 12 years of marriage, supporting him financially, and him being on OxyContin prescribed monthly generously by his doctor, I am moving out. What strikes me from these posts is that most of us have a significant age difference here between us and our partners. I am 37. He is 46. It's nearly a decade and do I ever feel it now that he is approaching 50. I will not waste my life now. It was not wasted to this point and I have 3 children and an amazing career to show for it. But I cannot be 47, him be 56, and us have the same problems. Ladies, if you are over 35 and your man is so drugged/sick he doesn't care about anymore you have 2 choices: Stay and accept you are a caretaker, not wife, for life and find a way to stop complaining------Or-be confident that you deserve an awesome life and leave now. Draw that line in the sand for yourself, take action, and you will not have to be looking for comfort in threads like this! Just writing this makes me realize so many of us have a guilt complex that holds us back from our own happiness. You do not want to be 10 years older in the same situation! If he is a loving man and finds a way to meet your needs, and you meet his, and you guys have reached some kind of agreement that is different. But if he is mean, sexless, and grouchy 24/7, ladies---there is no excuse for that! That is the point I am at now. Am I making huge sacrifices? Yes! I'll be giving him so much alimony it's not even funny (but I'd be supporting him financially the rest of my life if I didn't leave now either). But...I am also opening that door to possibly a life of love with a man who is happy to reciprocate. That possibility is very alluring to me after living for so many years with rejection. Even if I end up 60 years old never finding that, I will be happy I took the risk because living like this is miserable. Now that I am in a sexless marriage it has given me the motivation to make this decision. I am in my 30s---he is in his late 40s. When I think about 10 years from now that is what motivates me to leave. Also, I have given him plenty of chances to change, and given him many, many options to meet his marital responsibilities despite his back problems (and yes, I believe in marital responsibilities after supporting someone 100 percent for over 12 years and doing the lion's share of the domestic work). The refusal of sex or intimacy of any kind was the deal breaker for me, which I've clearly communicated to him. It took me a long time to get to this point, it is scary and lonely, but I know that I am making the best decision-for me and my children. And, the real kicker here is that I live overseas, and he most likely will get full custody of my two eldest children. That is what has kept me glued to this for so long, but now that they are old enough they see that their mommy is unhappy, and they also see I am the one who is providing for them financially and they appreciate my hard work. I do think they will understand....and already do. I would never, ever want them to be in a marriage like this, where they are the ones who are doing most of the heavy lifting while the other is lying in bed, medicated, and not caring about their needs. Yes, I am ready. You will know when the time is right, and you will have the courage to leave a toxic situation, because the alternative is much more bleak.
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I can reassure everyone that when the time comes to leave, you will know. For me it has been very long process, and I do not regret it because there were moments of beauty interspersed, and I was trying and seeing some sort of feedback from my husband. Now he has given up, and basically told me so. There is nothing else I can do to rekindle our love. Believe me, if anyone has tried it all it is me. I even had another baby (who I adore by the way!). I finally drew a line and though it may seem superficial it is not-it was my deal breaker-it was regarding the lack of sex and intimacy. I clearly communicated my needs and even alternatives to him (yes, alternatives to sex I would have been ok with-he refused). After 12 years of marriage, supporting him financially, and him being on OxyContin prescribed monthly generously by his doctor, I am moving out. What strikes me from these posts is that most of us have a significant age difference here between us and our partners. I am 37. He is 46. It's nearly a decade and do I ever feel it now that he is approaching 50. I will not waste my life now. It was not wasted to this point and I have 3 children and an amazing career to show for it. But I cannot be 47, him be 56, and us have the same problems. Ladies, if you are over 35 and your man is so drugged/sick he doesn't care about anymore you have 2 choices: Stay and accept you are a caretaker, not wife, for life and find a way to stop complaining------Or-be confident that you deserve an awesome life and leave now. Draw that line in the sand for yourself, take action, and you will not have to be looking for comfort in threads like this! Just writing this makes me realize so many of us have a guilt complex that holds us back from our own happiness. You do not want to be 10 years older in the same situation! If he is a loving man and finds a way to meet your needs, and you meet his, and you guys have reached some kind of agreement that is different. But if he is mean, sexless, and grouchy 24/7, ladies---there is no excuse for that! That is the point I am at now. Am I making huge sacrifices? Yes! I'll be giving him so much alimony it's not even funny (but I'd be supporting him financially the rest of my life if I didn't leave now either). But...I am also opening that door to possibly a life of love with a man who is happy to reciprocate. That possibility is very alluring to me after living for so many years with rejection. Even if I end up 60 years old never finding that, I will be happy I took the risk because living like this is miserable. Now that I am in a sexless marriage it has given me the motivation to make this decision. I am in my 30s---he is in his late 40s. When I think about 10 years from now that is what motivates me to leave. Also, I have given him plenty of chances to change, and given him many, many options to meet his marital responsibilities despite his back problems (and yes, I believe in marital responsibilities after supporting someone 100 percent for over 12 years and doing the lion's share of the domestic work). The refusal of sex or intimacy of any kind was the deal breaker for me, which I've clearly communicated to him. It took me a long time to get to this point, it is scary and lonely, but I know that I am making the best decision-for me and my children. And, the real kicker here is that I live overseas, and he most likely will get full custody of my two eldest children. That is what has kept me glued to this for so long, but now that they are old enough they see that their mommy is unhappy, and they also see I am the one who is providing for them financially and they appreciate my hard work. I do think they will understand....and already do. I would never, ever want them to be in a marriage like this, where they are the ones who are doing most of the heavy lifting while the other is lying in bed, medicated, and not caring about their needs. Yes, I am ready. You will know when the time is right, and you will have the courage to leave a toxic situation, because the alternative is much more bleak.
July 29, 2017 - 8:05amThis Comment
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