I understand everything you write about your situation and that you have not divorced, but you have it extremely much better than anyone else I've read who has written in this forum. You're saying you know that, which is fine, but believe me, you would feel everything you're feeling times 100 if you had to see/witness/listen/take abuse basically every single day of your life, which you have not, so you are right, you are very blessed, fortunate, supported, and everything in your life seems to go very well, fine, and good (except that you're just waiting for him to die so you can be "free", whereas, most of us want to be free but have to be "stuck" in our situations for whatever numerous reasons AND have to "put up with the spouse" at the same time, in the same household, which makes it a LOT worse). I'm not waiting for my husband to die, to me THAT is a bit selfish, I don't want him to die, I just want MY situation to get better, so I am trying to "do something about that" (making my OWN plans, using my coping tools, recovery, self-work and focus), not waiting for him to die so "I can have a life". I'm trying to make myself a life now, even though I'm still in my situation, I can at least try to keep my hope/faith/belief/trust that I and God can work this out together, about me "staying or leaving" (even though I've wanted to leave since the beginning of this nightmare and have gone through all the "guilt of leaving a sick spouse", etc.). The bottom line for me is that he is getting treatment and is "status quo" and that I don't deserve to be treated badly by him, so if I'm to keep the focus on myself and take care of me (because no one else will), then at the end it's best to "do what's best for you" because what quality of life will I or he have if I or he are not happy in the relationship anyway and he "is taken care of" (medically, financially), then "what about ME"? Because I'm not supposed to count in this situation because all the focus is on HIM and his disease, meaning there's NOTHING for me at all and I'm a human being who deseres respect, acknowledgement, etc., and if I'm not getting it, I can give it to myself but WHY would I want/need/be forced to stay in something that is not working or helping either of us (regardless of the fact he would obviously not feel that way because he wants me to 'stay stuck into it' but it's not necessary for me to do that except to appease him). If you're jealous of those who have "escaped", that means you want to as well (which you did admit). So you really want out and are already talking about getting re-married (something I will not make the mistake of doing again, but I'm older than you and there's a lot more to making that decision than just saying it, I took years to come to that conclusion). So, I see how you feel "stuck" like most others in here do, but I'm just saying I'm not sure why you would write in here since you have a good life and your husband doesn't even live with you so you don't have to put up with him and his "abuse", which is what the forum started out as the main topic (living with sick spouse you want to leave because he's become unmanageable/abusive/angry/hostile/controlling/guilting/manipulating, etc. That is the really terrible way to live (not saying your situation is not bad for you, obviously you wrote because you do think your situation is horrible, but you are right to know that you're better off than just about anyone else that's written in this forum. You have a good life, I don't, but I am going to continue to try and do something about that for ME, because no one else can or will and I don't have a problem with that. I just want a chance to "have a free life" again, and that is hard for me start over again at my age and after having had so many failures, disappointments, tragedies, traumas, in my life, including the death of my 20 year old son, and this not being my first marriage, and this marriage was supposed to be the best/last one and now it's gone to crap because of my husband's REACTION to his OWN disease, issues, and such and him taking that out on me in passive-aggressive ways which is totally sick. I pray that one day in the not too distant future I will be out of here and not to look back and know within myself that I'm not a horrible, guilty, wrong, bad woman because I don't want to put up with a sick, mean, nasty, revengeful, hateful, twisted, impossible, angry, hostile, dysfunctional, man.
Comment Reply
I understand everything you write about your situation and that you have not divorced, but you have it extremely much better than anyone else I've read who has written in this forum. You're saying you know that, which is fine, but believe me, you would feel everything you're feeling times 100 if you had to see/witness/listen/take abuse basically every single day of your life, which you have not, so you are right, you are very blessed, fortunate, supported, and everything in your life seems to go very well, fine, and good (except that you're just waiting for him to die so you can be "free", whereas, most of us want to be free but have to be "stuck" in our situations for whatever numerous reasons AND have to "put up with the spouse" at the same time, in the same household, which makes it a LOT worse). I'm not waiting for my husband to die, to me THAT is a bit selfish, I don't want him to die, I just want MY situation to get better, so I am trying to "do something about that" (making my OWN plans, using my coping tools, recovery, self-work and focus), not waiting for him to die so "I can have a life". I'm trying to make myself a life now, even though I'm still in my situation, I can at least try to keep my hope/faith/belief/trust that I and God can work this out together, about me "staying or leaving" (even though I've wanted to leave since the beginning of this nightmare and have gone through all the "guilt of leaving a sick spouse", etc.). The bottom line for me is that he is getting treatment and is "status quo" and that I don't deserve to be treated badly by him, so if I'm to keep the focus on myself and take care of me (because no one else will), then at the end it's best to "do what's best for you" because what quality of life will I or he have if I or he are not happy in the relationship anyway and he "is taken care of" (medically, financially), then "what about ME"? Because I'm not supposed to count in this situation because all the focus is on HIM and his disease, meaning there's NOTHING for me at all and I'm a human being who deseres respect, acknowledgement, etc., and if I'm not getting it, I can give it to myself but WHY would I want/need/be forced to stay in something that is not working or helping either of us (regardless of the fact he would obviously not feel that way because he wants me to 'stay stuck into it' but it's not necessary for me to do that except to appease him). If you're jealous of those who have "escaped", that means you want to as well (which you did admit). So you really want out and are already talking about getting re-married (something I will not make the mistake of doing again, but I'm older than you and there's a lot more to making that decision than just saying it, I took years to come to that conclusion). So, I see how you feel "stuck" like most others in here do, but I'm just saying I'm not sure why you would write in here since you have a good life and your husband doesn't even live with you so you don't have to put up with him and his "abuse", which is what the forum started out as the main topic (living with sick spouse you want to leave because he's become unmanageable/abusive/angry/hostile/controlling/guilting/manipulating, etc. That is the really terrible way to live (not saying your situation is not bad for you, obviously you wrote because you do think your situation is horrible, but you are right to know that you're better off than just about anyone else that's written in this forum. You have a good life, I don't, but I am going to continue to try and do something about that for ME, because no one else can or will and I don't have a problem with that. I just want a chance to "have a free life" again, and that is hard for me start over again at my age and after having had so many failures, disappointments, tragedies, traumas, in my life, including the death of my 20 year old son, and this not being my first marriage, and this marriage was supposed to be the best/last one and now it's gone to crap because of my husband's REACTION to his OWN disease, issues, and such and him taking that out on me in passive-aggressive ways which is totally sick. I pray that one day in the not too distant future I will be out of here and not to look back and know within myself that I'm not a horrible, guilty, wrong, bad woman because I don't want to put up with a sick, mean, nasty, revengeful, hateful, twisted, impossible, angry, hostile, dysfunctional, man.
July 30, 2010 - 9:51amThis Comment
Reply