I am a 38 year old mother of two who has been married for five years. My first son, who is almost 9, is not my husband's son, but he has raised him since he was 15 months old. My son's bio dad gets visitation. In the beginning, my husband was charming, outgoing, funny, socially active and engaging. I knew there was something wrong, however, because he never seemed to really want to accomplish anything for himself. He seemed to have really low self esteem. His mother was dx'd with MS when he was around ten, she was a single mother, and died of complications about nine years later. For all intensive purposes, my husband grew up without any real support or supervision.
I have been telling him in the seven years that we've been together that he needs to 'drive his own bus' with regard to his life and to take ownership and control of his destiny, but instead, he lets life happen to him. I have warned him numerous times about his weight, his diet, his lack of exercise, et cetera, and all that has earned me is his resentment toward me.
For the past two/three years, he was extraordinarily fatigued, always felt terrible, developed anxiety issues and mood swings. I was so angry because I knew that things were getting worse with his health, and wasn't doing anything about it.
In April of this year, he experienced eyesight issues. He went to the Dr. and after an MRI, was diagnosed with Remitting/Regressive Multiple Sclerosis. He is 34.
Instead of this being some big wake-up call (as I'd expected), he has further retreated into self-pity and won't do anything to really help himself. He's gained weight and has let his dental decay run rampant (which is another problem I was hoping he'd do something about). He is on immunomodulators (Copaxone) which is an injection he takes every day.
There is this misery in my house. I am exhausted emotionally. Ever since our son was born (who is now almost 4) I did almost everything whereas he 'checked out'. We were just starting to work on things when he was diagnosed. I was halfway out the door before that.
Now, I'm posed with a few choices: either, a) stay and watch him deteriorate, while the kids watch and have to deal as well (even though my older son isn't even his), b) stay, and perhaps this is as bad as things will get, which isn't great, but at least it won't get any worse, or c) leave, and have to deal with the guilt, as well as explain to the kids how I walked away from someone we all love because he's sick but somehow reinforce that one shouldn't do that - because I don't think one should, but when someone isn't even helping themselves?
Just last night, I tried to talk tohim honestly about my challenges with the diagnosis and fears, and he said that he has this "why bother" outlook about it. When I asked him why, he said it is because I have emotionally left him to be lonely, that I am unsupportive, and not there for him. First, he doesn't really talk to me, and hasn't, which was a huge problem in our marriage. Second, I am just trying to keep my head above water with a very stressful full time job, two kids under ten, short-selling our house, and dealing with not only him, but his diagnosis. Third, if he wants to hinge his desire to fight this illness and survive on my behavior, then how healthy is that, and should I have to deal with that responsibility? Seriously?
I am at my wits' end, and we are only 4 months in to this. I don't know how much more I can take. I am 38 and don't want to look at my life as wasted ten years from now when I'm almost 50 and the last best years of my life are gone.
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I am a 38 year old mother of two who has been married for five years. My first son, who is almost 9, is not my husband's son, but he has raised him since he was 15 months old. My son's bio dad gets visitation. In the beginning, my husband was charming, outgoing, funny, socially active and engaging. I knew there was something wrong, however, because he never seemed to really want to accomplish anything for himself. He seemed to have really low self esteem. His mother was dx'd with MS when he was around ten, she was a single mother, and died of complications about nine years later. For all intensive purposes, my husband grew up without any real support or supervision.
August 31, 2011 - 10:41amI have been telling him in the seven years that we've been together that he needs to 'drive his own bus' with regard to his life and to take ownership and control of his destiny, but instead, he lets life happen to him. I have warned him numerous times about his weight, his diet, his lack of exercise, et cetera, and all that has earned me is his resentment toward me.
For the past two/three years, he was extraordinarily fatigued, always felt terrible, developed anxiety issues and mood swings. I was so angry because I knew that things were getting worse with his health, and wasn't doing anything about it.
In April of this year, he experienced eyesight issues. He went to the Dr. and after an MRI, was diagnosed with Remitting/Regressive Multiple Sclerosis. He is 34.
Instead of this being some big wake-up call (as I'd expected), he has further retreated into self-pity and won't do anything to really help himself. He's gained weight and has let his dental decay run rampant (which is another problem I was hoping he'd do something about). He is on immunomodulators (Copaxone) which is an injection he takes every day.
There is this misery in my house. I am exhausted emotionally. Ever since our son was born (who is now almost 4) I did almost everything whereas he 'checked out'. We were just starting to work on things when he was diagnosed. I was halfway out the door before that.
Now, I'm posed with a few choices: either, a) stay and watch him deteriorate, while the kids watch and have to deal as well (even though my older son isn't even his), b) stay, and perhaps this is as bad as things will get, which isn't great, but at least it won't get any worse, or c) leave, and have to deal with the guilt, as well as explain to the kids how I walked away from someone we all love because he's sick but somehow reinforce that one shouldn't do that - because I don't think one should, but when someone isn't even helping themselves?
Just last night, I tried to talk tohim honestly about my challenges with the diagnosis and fears, and he said that he has this "why bother" outlook about it. When I asked him why, he said it is because I have emotionally left him to be lonely, that I am unsupportive, and not there for him. First, he doesn't really talk to me, and hasn't, which was a huge problem in our marriage. Second, I am just trying to keep my head above water with a very stressful full time job, two kids under ten, short-selling our house, and dealing with not only him, but his diagnosis. Third, if he wants to hinge his desire to fight this illness and survive on my behavior, then how healthy is that, and should I have to deal with that responsibility? Seriously?
I am at my wits' end, and we are only 4 months in to this. I don't know how much more I can take. I am 38 and don't want to look at my life as wasted ten years from now when I'm almost 50 and the last best years of my life are gone.
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