How old are the girls? To me, that is the biggest part of the equation.
If they are quite young, I think you must abide by their father's wishes. Your mom and stepdad clearly know the seriousness of the situation and have made this decision. However, I think it's very appropriate for you to try to talk to your mom and stepfather and try to perhaps change their minds about this since it's something you feel strongly about. For the record, I think you are right that they deserve to know. They will be shattered if he dies and they had no clue.
If they are adults, and speaking for myself only, I think I'd have to tell them. What I'd do first is this: I'd tell my mom and stepdad that I think my stepsisters have a right to this information and that either they must tell them or I'm going to. Give them a chance to do this. And then, if they don't, you must weigh how you will feel afterward if you do tell them vs. how you will feel afterward if you don't tell them.
If he dies and they had no chance to say "I love you," they'll always be sad about it.
I speak from my own experience. I was 26 when my father was dying of cancer. My mother and I decided not to tell my younger sister (17) and younger brother (16) that death was imminent. It was a decision I've always regretted. I didn't know any better, and what I do know is that if we'd told them, the scene might have been too much for my mom to handle.
But the point is that I got to say goodbye, I got to say "I love you," I got to hold his hand -- and they didn't. They only have their imaginations and our retellings to know those last moments. Their choice -- whether to go to the hospital and be with him, or not -- was made for them, and I believe it was the wrong choice, even though it was made in a moment of grief and caretaking. They had no closure -- what they knew was that one day he was alive and fighting cancer, and the next day when we came home from the hospital, he was gone and they'd never see him again, never hear his voice again, never hold his hand or hug him again. It was a high price for them to pay.
If you do choose to tell them, realize that you will be the bearer of shattering news, and take care with that. Do it carefully and with their love for their father in mind. You don't have to be graphic. You can say, "It may be more serious than we know, because hospice is there now." Perhaps you can do this in a way that will help them find out more information for themselves, like Virginia suggested.
In the end, after very careful consideration, you have to do what you think is right. There will be fallout either way, so you want to choose the path you know you can live with.
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Oh, Anon, this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
How old are the girls? To me, that is the biggest part of the equation.
If they are quite young, I think you must abide by their father's wishes. Your mom and stepdad clearly know the seriousness of the situation and have made this decision. However, I think it's very appropriate for you to try to talk to your mom and stepfather and try to perhaps change their minds about this since it's something you feel strongly about. For the record, I think you are right that they deserve to know. They will be shattered if he dies and they had no clue.
If they are adults, and speaking for myself only, I think I'd have to tell them. What I'd do first is this: I'd tell my mom and stepdad that I think my stepsisters have a right to this information and that either they must tell them or I'm going to. Give them a chance to do this. And then, if they don't, you must weigh how you will feel afterward if you do tell them vs. how you will feel afterward if you don't tell them.
If he dies and they had no chance to say "I love you," they'll always be sad about it.
I speak from my own experience. I was 26 when my father was dying of cancer. My mother and I decided not to tell my younger sister (17) and younger brother (16) that death was imminent. It was a decision I've always regretted. I didn't know any better, and what I do know is that if we'd told them, the scene might have been too much for my mom to handle.
But the point is that I got to say goodbye, I got to say "I love you," I got to hold his hand -- and they didn't. They only have their imaginations and our retellings to know those last moments. Their choice -- whether to go to the hospital and be with him, or not -- was made for them, and I believe it was the wrong choice, even though it was made in a moment of grief and caretaking. They had no closure -- what they knew was that one day he was alive and fighting cancer, and the next day when we came home from the hospital, he was gone and they'd never see him again, never hear his voice again, never hold his hand or hug him again. It was a high price for them to pay.
If you do choose to tell them, realize that you will be the bearer of shattering news, and take care with that. Do it carefully and with their love for their father in mind. You don't have to be graphic. You can say, "It may be more serious than we know, because hospice is there now." Perhaps you can do this in a way that will help them find out more information for themselves, like Virginia suggested.
In the end, after very careful consideration, you have to do what you think is right. There will be fallout either way, so you want to choose the path you know you can live with.
January 29, 2009 - 10:52amThis Comment
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