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I'm sorry you are finding your orgasms frustrating! Sex is such a difficult topic to discuss, so I'm glad you found this site.

Well, the good news is: you are having orgasms. Take the worry out of something being wrong with you (if this is a fear of yours?). Having an orgasm for women begins with the mind, so clearing out any worries, frustrations and expectations you have may help.

I'm wondering if you and your boyfriend are being adequately patient for your orgasms to progress and build up? Sometimes, we may be in such a hurry to get to the "ultimate goal", that the build-up phase is rushed. Do you feel that your boyfriend may be wanting it to happen quicker, and you are trying to rush through the build-up to get to the end goal? Women take much longer to reach the climax phase, and if you both are trying to skip too quickly to the end, then the "main show" as you describe may not be fireworks.

I'm also not sure that every woman has the "shaking, writhing, fireworks" feeling. Have you thought about why this is your expectation, and are you able to change your expectations? You may find that if you change your expectations, and accept your orgasms however they may be, that the pressure may be off of you mentally and physically. I would suggest finding some new sexual goals, and see where they take you!

My last thought is: do you feel appropriately aroused? After being together for 10 years (irregardless if it was on & off), do you feel that your sexual repertoire is in itself "writhing with passion?" Do you feel that you are in a sexual rut or routine, or do you experiment with new turn-ons that are exciting or new to both of you (and not with the purpose of explosive orgasms)?

I haven't read this book, but it has been recommended at a few sex-education health conferences I've been to: The Best You'll Ever Have: What Every Woman Should Know About Getting and Giving Knock-Your-Socks-Off Sex by Shannon Mullen. (there is an entire section on "knock-your-socks off" orgasms for the woman!) :) If you do choose to read this book, I hope you'll let us know what you thought!

February 3, 2009 - 2:24pm

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