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You're right---the subject of sex is scary, especially when we think about our partners being a sexual being...and the many images and potential for hurt this brings up.

You asked about my thoughts about my partner. Honestly, it is difficult to start a new relationship and know that he had "a past". It took a few years to get past it, even though I had "a past", too. I just had to tell myself that his past made him who he was, and I did not want to take that away from him; just like it would be unfair for him to be upset with me for having a previous boyfriend before I knew him. Then, what got me past my awful thoughts is this: I realized I WANTED him to have a past, to be a sexual person, because if he wasn't...then I would be dating a kid with no experience. Does that make sense? Think about it in terms of something non-sexual. I wanted a boyfriend who has some life experience; we were both in our 30s; I didn't want to revert back to being thirteen and date an immature boy. So, along with that comes experience in life...including a sex life!...and that goes with the territory of dating. Then, when I got my mind wrapped around believing this train-of-thought (and whole-heartedly feeling it), then other things made sense too, like he probably masturbates. He probably does not masturbate to my lovely image each time (LOL!), and I want him to be a normal, vibrant man! It would actually be scary to be with a man who only thought about me, because I wouldn't be able to live up to that same standard. It's fun to think a guy is cute, and for him to think you're cute outside of the relationship. It makes you feel good. That's where the trust over time comes into play...that someone thinking another person is cute does not equate to any action. It's part of being alive, I guess. So, if my husband masturbates (he would kill me if he reads this!) to the thought of another woman..so be it. I don't need to know if it was a co-worker, ex-girlfriend, movie star or myself...it is a fleeting moment and it means he has a healthy sex drive...and THAT is what is most important to me!

It makes sense that you don't 100% trust your boyfriend because of his past. That will just take time, and is not a good or bad thing. My then-boyfriend had gone to strip clubs with his guy friends before I knew him. We talked about it, and he said he was uncomfortable most of the time, the other time it was kind of exciting. It was nice to hear his thoughts. I would not be comfortable with my current husband going to a strip club now that we're married; however, other women are OK with this.

If you have a loving man right now, that's great! If he knows your past, then you can both work on mutual trust and respect in your relationship. It will take years...and is something that you never stop working on.

Ask your therapist for a book recommendation on "letting go". This is a skill that many people do not have, and is difficult to achieve. There are some methods you can try:
- focus on the positive
- let go of one small, achievable behavior
- talk with your boyfriend about your wanting to let go of control, that you are scared. Ask for his suggestions and ask him what areas he has trouble letting go of...there is a tendency in relationships to want to control the other person...maybe you can both work on a tiny step together and reward yourselves for each victory?
- meditation helps train your mind to let go of things you cannot control.

Probably knowing the difference between things you can control (your own behaviors) and things you cannot control (other people's behaviors) will help you in so many ways: relieve stress, be able to depend on yourself, trust in yourself and value yourself, and have more fun and joy with others.

"You can view life as unexpected and exciting or your can view it as scary because you don’t know what the future holds." Choose the life that is unexpected and exciting...and that means letting go of some things you cannot control!

March 22, 2009 - 7:08pm

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