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I found so much compassion and wisdom in this thread. My husband of 5 yrs (dated for 2 before that) has never really been into sex with me. Although he went to a dungeon once before I met him. Had some one-night stands, one of which produced a son who is probably 16 now (husband pays child support but doesn't see him; I frankly have no interest in meeting him. Husband and I were clear on neither of us wanting kids. Even though he has one. Jesus.)

We are companionate, but not really friends. I think he and I were looking for "safe harbor" in getting married, and assuming it was the thing to do if you're 30 and crave stability.

But I've worked on my self-esteem and abuse issues, and I'm in a quandary.

I feel like I signed up for lack of sex as my payment for getting someone who wouldn't hurt me. But now I feel like I can branch out. I find I can try things (work, friends) and that I want to. And I need intimacy of all kinds. But I'm not able to get it with my husband, even after therapy and 4 years of us discussing it in a non-threatening manner.

My husband says that I'm not grateful for what I have; that most marriages don't have sex; that it's the friendship. But I don't even feel that. We're so awkward with each other. He does his thing, and I do mine. Little common interest.

Everything I've read says that marriage is a professional relationship. Work on it like you do at work. I knew that going in. And he seemed the most stable candidate.

But I'm lonely. We talk a few minutes a day, then go on as roommates.

Is it a fantasy to find someone you click with, at least for a while, and someone you desire and who desires you? Or ate long-term relationships basically functional ones?

Sorry for ramble--written from my phone and can't edit.

August 19, 2010 - 2:13am


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