I'm so glad to hear back from you, and happy that you are going to see a doctor you trust...to rule out any of the medical factors. I'd love for you to let us know how your doctor's visit goes...if you do, can you give us your initials or make up a user name, so we know who we're talking to?
I've been thinking about what you said quite a bit, and know exactly (or close to) where you are coming from...I've been there! Your last comment about the thought that you'll "tear back open" with sex...ugh! I have had that thought many times!...and it will dissipate. That is one thing you can be sure to ask your doctor about; tell her you're afraid to have intercourse because that thought pops into your head. She can reassure you that, "nope..won't happen...you're all healed!". That will help tremendously as the first step.
Please be patient with yourself, and with this process. Don't berate yourself or compare your self to other women, as unfortunately, the friend you talked with has an outdated perception of men's sexuality, and what sexuality in marriage is, in the 21st century. My husband, and many men who are more mature and past their teenagers-with-raging-hormones days, will tell you that men want intimacy, intercourse, love, affection, closeness. Sometimes they want to make out; other times they want a quickie...and everything in between. Most of all, in a loving and nurturing relationship, they want their wife and themselves to be sexually fulfilled and satisfied. It is no longer the woman's "duty" to "make" him satisfied; it is both of their priorities to take care of one another's needs, in order of their ever-changing priorities, including emotional, physical, spiritual, social, psychological and sexual aspects of the relationship. If one person is going through a rough time (physical illness, emotional stress...whatever), the other person picks up the slack...it is give and take continuously, over the course of your lives.
Since you asked about specifically meeting your husband's needs sexually, ask your husband how you can meet his needs sexually, without having penis-to-vagina intercourse, and I'm sure he'll think of some other ways! And, let your husband know how he can meet your needs sexually, too. That can be everything from "dirty talk" to holding hands to making out to cuddling...
If you are looking for some ideas to get you "in the mood", I love this book called Hot Monogamy. It is for couples looking for more intimacy, but it not an embarrassing book to read. Has lots of ideas. One idea for you, which has an actual term that is escaping me, is to use a "progressive style" in the bedroom. You both agree to not having intercourse for a specified amount of time (2 or 3 months). That takes the pressure off, and you can focus on things you are comfortable with right now. Whenever you are physically intimate, you agree beforehand that you can only caress and touch each other's face, hair and head. That's it! The next time, it can be arms and hands; next time is legs and feet. And so on. You will be amazed at how sensual this can be, how wonderful it feels, how close you will feel to the other person by exploring and concentrating on just one area. You may even be surprised that you end the "session" wanting more..it's an amazing "tease"...a great sign that you can be aroused and feel like having sex again in the future. This can boost your confidence, and also help you trust that your partner can be soft, slow and gentle with you during this time. Remember, this is just one phase of your relationship.
There are so many women and men who struggle with sex after children. You are definitely not alone; you are not the first and will not be the last! Baby Center has a great article on "Sex Secrets Every New Parent Should Know, which at least tells you that this is a common concern. And, another article on Modern Love: Sex says, "I have found that most couples don't begin to get back to anything that resembles their earlier sexual relationship until the youngest in the house is three. Until that time, most couples have less energy for sex. That's the nature of raising little children..."
In fact, there may even be something biological...women's libidos are lower because they are afraid they'll get pregnant again (and, getting pregnant too soon after giving birth can be a health risk).
Lastly, you said that your daughter is not sleeping through the night, and is not in her own crib 100% of the time. No worries about that...this is also common...but being tired, being a new mom and everything that embodies the word "motherhood"...is enough to not feel in the mood for sex. Please know, you are normal and healthy (and, your doctor can confirm that there are no medical reasons for this).
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I'm so glad to hear back from you, and happy that you are going to see a doctor you trust...to rule out any of the medical factors. I'd love for you to let us know how your doctor's visit goes...if you do, can you give us your initials or make up a user name, so we know who we're talking to?
I've been thinking about what you said quite a bit, and know exactly (or close to) where you are coming from...I've been there! Your last comment about the thought that you'll "tear back open" with sex...ugh! I have had that thought many times!...and it will dissipate. That is one thing you can be sure to ask your doctor about; tell her you're afraid to have intercourse because that thought pops into your head. She can reassure you that, "nope..won't happen...you're all healed!". That will help tremendously as the first step.
Please be patient with yourself, and with this process. Don't berate yourself or compare your self to other women, as unfortunately, the friend you talked with has an outdated perception of men's sexuality, and what sexuality in marriage is, in the 21st century. My husband, and many men who are more mature and past their teenagers-with-raging-hormones days, will tell you that men want intimacy, intercourse, love, affection, closeness. Sometimes they want to make out; other times they want a quickie...and everything in between. Most of all, in a loving and nurturing relationship, they want their wife and themselves to be sexually fulfilled and satisfied. It is no longer the woman's "duty" to "make" him satisfied; it is both of their priorities to take care of one another's needs, in order of their ever-changing priorities, including emotional, physical, spiritual, social, psychological and sexual aspects of the relationship. If one person is going through a rough time (physical illness, emotional stress...whatever), the other person picks up the slack...it is give and take continuously, over the course of your lives.
Since you asked about specifically meeting your husband's needs sexually, ask your husband how you can meet his needs sexually, without having penis-to-vagina intercourse, and I'm sure he'll think of some other ways! And, let your husband know how he can meet your needs sexually, too. That can be everything from "dirty talk" to holding hands to making out to cuddling...
If you are looking for some ideas to get you "in the mood", I love this book called Hot Monogamy. It is for couples looking for more intimacy, but it not an embarrassing book to read. Has lots of ideas. One idea for you, which has an actual term that is escaping me, is to use a "progressive style" in the bedroom. You both agree to not having intercourse for a specified amount of time (2 or 3 months). That takes the pressure off, and you can focus on things you are comfortable with right now. Whenever you are physically intimate, you agree beforehand that you can only caress and touch each other's face, hair and head. That's it! The next time, it can be arms and hands; next time is legs and feet. And so on. You will be amazed at how sensual this can be, how wonderful it feels, how close you will feel to the other person by exploring and concentrating on just one area. You may even be surprised that you end the "session" wanting more..it's an amazing "tease"...a great sign that you can be aroused and feel like having sex again in the future. This can boost your confidence, and also help you trust that your partner can be soft, slow and gentle with you during this time. Remember, this is just one phase of your relationship.
There are so many women and men who struggle with sex after children. You are definitely not alone; you are not the first and will not be the last! Baby Center has a great article on "Sex Secrets Every New Parent Should Know, which at least tells you that this is a common concern. And, another article on Modern Love: Sex says, "I have found that most couples don't begin to get back to anything that resembles their earlier sexual relationship until the youngest in the house is three. Until that time, most couples have less energy for sex. That's the nature of raising little children..."
In fact, there may even be something biological...women's libidos are lower because they are afraid they'll get pregnant again (and, getting pregnant too soon after giving birth can be a health risk).
Lastly, you said that your daughter is not sleeping through the night, and is not in her own crib 100% of the time. No worries about that...this is also common...but being tired, being a new mom and everything that embodies the word "motherhood"...is enough to not feel in the mood for sex. Please know, you are normal and healthy (and, your doctor can confirm that there are no medical reasons for this).
I hope this helps!
March 29, 2009 - 2:25pmThis Comment
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