You are absolutely right about living in the middle. I know exactly how that feels. Your life hangs in the balance between what is almost yours and what is not yours at all. And if you leave this relationship, you don't know what else might or might not be waiting. And when your feelings are genuine, as I am convinced yours are, it seems impossible to just turn it off.
But now that I know your ages, I think I'm going to probably agree with Susan. If you had told me you two were in your mid-twenties, or even late twenties, for instance, I might have said, give it a little more time if you want to, while not tying yourself down. But in your early 30s, you are both completely grown. You are mature adults, or you should be. It feels to me as though you could be involved/half-involved/not involved with him for four more years, with hope and some small growth, and yet that wouldn't be enough for you.
Here's what I need to tell you most of all -- I think you need to trust that growing bit of dread in your stomach that tells you this is not right for you anymore. Even though it might feel like it's going to kill you to honor it. In our early 30s, if we want to find a lifetime companion and/or think about having a family, there isn't lots of time to waste.
If someone doesn't quite know who he is by the time he's in his early 30s, it doesn't bode well for the next couple of years, either. And honestly, men don't hear the ticking of the biological clock like we do. They can father children in their 30s, their 40s, their 50s and beyond -- while our true window of relatively easy opportunity closes somewhere around 40.
Here's what's going to be tough -- If you walk away, one of two things will happen. (a) He won't come after you -- which is a sign that you made the right decision. Or (b) he WILL come after you, which could be genuine or could just be not wanting to lose the one person he does have. If at that time he becomes sexually attracted to you, how would you feel about it? Happy? Patient? or perhaps worried that it will go away again?
When we are in a push-pull relationship like this, one bad thing is that even when we are in a good place, we are wondering if it's a temporary good place or if there's another shoe about to drop. That's as hard a place to live as where you are now, in the middle.
If you decide to stay, I would tell you to decide what YOUR goals are for the relationship in the short term and in the long term, and I would tell you to set a date -- perhaps six months in the future -- as to when you will check back with yourself to see if the two of you are on the same road. Is this relationship compatible with your goals?
If you decide to leave, I would tell you to be sure, and then just do it and don't second-guess yourself. Nothing good will come from it. Decide that you made the right decision and move forward.
And I agree with Susan -- the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is fairly brilliant. Check it out on Amazon or at a bookstore -- sometimes it's hard to read something that sounds like the truth, but very helpful too.
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Anon,
You are absolutely right about living in the middle. I know exactly how that feels. Your life hangs in the balance between what is almost yours and what is not yours at all. And if you leave this relationship, you don't know what else might or might not be waiting. And when your feelings are genuine, as I am convinced yours are, it seems impossible to just turn it off.
But now that I know your ages, I think I'm going to probably agree with Susan. If you had told me you two were in your mid-twenties, or even late twenties, for instance, I might have said, give it a little more time if you want to, while not tying yourself down. But in your early 30s, you are both completely grown. You are mature adults, or you should be. It feels to me as though you could be involved/half-involved/not involved with him for four more years, with hope and some small growth, and yet that wouldn't be enough for you.
Here's what I need to tell you most of all -- I think you need to trust that growing bit of dread in your stomach that tells you this is not right for you anymore. Even though it might feel like it's going to kill you to honor it. In our early 30s, if we want to find a lifetime companion and/or think about having a family, there isn't lots of time to waste.
If someone doesn't quite know who he is by the time he's in his early 30s, it doesn't bode well for the next couple of years, either. And honestly, men don't hear the ticking of the biological clock like we do. They can father children in their 30s, their 40s, their 50s and beyond -- while our true window of relatively easy opportunity closes somewhere around 40.
Here's what's going to be tough -- If you walk away, one of two things will happen. (a) He won't come after you -- which is a sign that you made the right decision. Or (b) he WILL come after you, which could be genuine or could just be not wanting to lose the one person he does have. If at that time he becomes sexually attracted to you, how would you feel about it? Happy? Patient? or perhaps worried that it will go away again?
When we are in a push-pull relationship like this, one bad thing is that even when we are in a good place, we are wondering if it's a temporary good place or if there's another shoe about to drop. That's as hard a place to live as where you are now, in the middle.
If you decide to stay, I would tell you to decide what YOUR goals are for the relationship in the short term and in the long term, and I would tell you to set a date -- perhaps six months in the future -- as to when you will check back with yourself to see if the two of you are on the same road. Is this relationship compatible with your goals?
If you decide to leave, I would tell you to be sure, and then just do it and don't second-guess yourself. Nothing good will come from it. Decide that you made the right decision and move forward.
And I agree with Susan -- the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is fairly brilliant. Check it out on Amazon or at a bookstore -- sometimes it's hard to read something that sounds like the truth, but very helpful too.
Take care, and I'd love to hear back from you.
May 13, 2009 - 8:57amThis Comment
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