Diane mentioned some great thoughts and questions. My first thought when I read your post: is your boyfriend satisfied with having sex once/month? He might be, and that is perfectly OK for him to be. I would give him the "space" to let you know what his ideal quantity is ("space" meaning- no guilt trips or anything; you really want to know what he wants). It may take a few open communication "sessions" to learn about what makes him happy in the sexual-aspect of the relationship. Does he like having sex less than once/month, or is his ideal once/week...or something in between?
If his "ideal" is more than what is currently happening, my next question would be: what's getting in the way?
(for example: is it different bedtimes, work schedules? Is he irritated by something? Is he scared to initiate? Does he want you to initiate?) There could be a million different scenarios, so I would just use this time to get to know him in the verbal sense; what does he think about sex and intimacy? I don't think you can really move on in the relationship, and ultimately reach your "ideals", until you know what he's thinking and wanting. Can you hold on for a few months, until you two can really open up and share your philosophies, fears, wishes, etc. about the intimacy?
The next thing to consider: quantity vs. quality. He may not care about "how often" (like the stereotypical man, but not all men want sex "all the time" like they do in the movies...really!!). He may care more about the quality...and how he defines that is something for you to both discuss.
My "red flag" would be if he is not intimate with you AND he won't talk with you about it. He needs to at least be able to tell you he's uncomfortable talking about sex, but that he will try. Give him time; it won't happen overnight (it's really difficult to talk about sex; most of us grew up being told it was bad to talk about it, so he may not have the skills or words).
I think after all of this, if the relationship is still going strong, he can trust you with his inner most fears about sex, as well as the pleasures of it, then you can begin talking about what your ideal sexual relationship is.
Good luck! Let us know how the conversations go, if you could... it would really help a lot of women who are going through this same exact thing! (I did!!)
oh--and I hope you do not continue thinking this is "about you"; this is clearly something he has changed in his behavior, and I hope he can acknowledge it, own it, and discuss it with you.
My last thought: there is always the possibility of him being attracted to another person, which is difficult to even acknowledge. Just wanted to state the obvious, and make sure it is not overlooked.
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Hi Miss Kitty,
Diane mentioned some great thoughts and questions. My first thought when I read your post: is your boyfriend satisfied with having sex once/month? He might be, and that is perfectly OK for him to be. I would give him the "space" to let you know what his ideal quantity is ("space" meaning- no guilt trips or anything; you really want to know what he wants). It may take a few open communication "sessions" to learn about what makes him happy in the sexual-aspect of the relationship. Does he like having sex less than once/month, or is his ideal once/week...or something in between?
If his "ideal" is more than what is currently happening, my next question would be: what's getting in the way?
(for example: is it different bedtimes, work schedules? Is he irritated by something? Is he scared to initiate? Does he want you to initiate?) There could be a million different scenarios, so I would just use this time to get to know him in the verbal sense; what does he think about sex and intimacy? I don't think you can really move on in the relationship, and ultimately reach your "ideals", until you know what he's thinking and wanting. Can you hold on for a few months, until you two can really open up and share your philosophies, fears, wishes, etc. about the intimacy?
The next thing to consider: quantity vs. quality. He may not care about "how often" (like the stereotypical man, but not all men want sex "all the time" like they do in the movies...really!!). He may care more about the quality...and how he defines that is something for you to both discuss.
My "red flag" would be if he is not intimate with you AND he won't talk with you about it. He needs to at least be able to tell you he's uncomfortable talking about sex, but that he will try. Give him time; it won't happen overnight (it's really difficult to talk about sex; most of us grew up being told it was bad to talk about it, so he may not have the skills or words).
I think after all of this, if the relationship is still going strong, he can trust you with his inner most fears about sex, as well as the pleasures of it, then you can begin talking about what your ideal sexual relationship is.
Good luck! Let us know how the conversations go, if you could... it would really help a lot of women who are going through this same exact thing! (I did!!)
oh--and I hope you do not continue thinking this is "about you"; this is clearly something he has changed in his behavior, and I hope he can acknowledge it, own it, and discuss it with you.
My last thought: there is always the possibility of him being attracted to another person, which is difficult to even acknowledge. Just wanted to state the obvious, and make sure it is not overlooked.
May 19, 2009 - 1:30pmThis Comment
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