Thank you so much for writing. I'm really glad you did.
Here's something I want you to know: You do NOT want your boyfriend looking at you like he looks at women in porn. Those women are not real women to him, they are simply sexual objects he is fantaszing about. They don't have thoughts, feelings or needs. They exist for his pleasure alone. And once he's finished with them, he's finished, and on to the next piece of porn. See what I mean? You do not want to be one of those women.
And Anon, the fact that he watches porn and prefers it to you tells me what the problem is. And it's not that you're ugly. You may not be as model-perfect as the women in the porn he watches. He said you don't "turn him on." What that means to me is that what makes him sexually interested now is porn, not a real woman.
Anon, it breaks my heart to tell you this, but you CAN'T make someone want you if he says you don't turn him on. The problem is with him, not you. All you will do if you try to change him is end up feeling used and worse than you do now.
Anon, can you find a counselor? A therapist? For just a few sessions? I want you to try, and when you find one, I want you to make an appointment. And when you go, I want you to say to the therapist the exact thing you wrote here: "My heart gets broken almost every day with him yet I stay because I feel no one else would want me." That's not right thinking, Anon. It is all about self-esteem, and the longer you stay with him like this, the worse you will feel about yourself.
Do you live with your boyfriend, Anon? If so, do you have a good friend or some family you could stay with for a while if you chose to try to leave?
There are better things out there for you, Anon. There is a man who will see you as an equal partner, not as someone who is inferior to a porn actress. I want you to give yourself a chance to find that person.
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Anon,
Thank you so much for writing. I'm really glad you did.
Here's something I want you to know: You do NOT want your boyfriend looking at you like he looks at women in porn. Those women are not real women to him, they are simply sexual objects he is fantaszing about. They don't have thoughts, feelings or needs. They exist for his pleasure alone. And once he's finished with them, he's finished, and on to the next piece of porn. See what I mean? You do not want to be one of those women.
And Anon, the fact that he watches porn and prefers it to you tells me what the problem is. And it's not that you're ugly. You may not be as model-perfect as the women in the porn he watches. He said you don't "turn him on." What that means to me is that what makes him sexually interested now is porn, not a real woman.
Anon, it breaks my heart to tell you this, but you CAN'T make someone want you if he says you don't turn him on. The problem is with him, not you. All you will do if you try to change him is end up feeling used and worse than you do now.
Anon, can you find a counselor? A therapist? For just a few sessions? I want you to try, and when you find one, I want you to make an appointment. And when you go, I want you to say to the therapist the exact thing you wrote here: "My heart gets broken almost every day with him yet I stay because I feel no one else would want me." That's not right thinking, Anon. It is all about self-esteem, and the longer you stay with him like this, the worse you will feel about yourself.
Do you live with your boyfriend, Anon? If so, do you have a good friend or some family you could stay with for a while if you chose to try to leave?
There are better things out there for you, Anon. There is a man who will see you as an equal partner, not as someone who is inferior to a porn actress. I want you to give yourself a chance to find that person.
November 27, 2009 - 8:18amThis Comment
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