Have you talked with your partner ("my man"..is that your boyfriend, fiance or other?) about your desires and his? Regardless of what the topic is in the relationship that is troubling (sex, money, how we spend free time, etc.), the most important part of a relationship is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other, even when the topic is sensitive or taboo.
We can all guess what it could be...but no one knows except for him and for you...what is going on in the relationship.
The conversation would need to be around a time when you are feeling strong and not as vulnerable, but still able to listen in a caring way. What are his feelings about his sex life with you? Does he like it the way it is? Does he want it to change, ideally? If he would like it to change, what are his preferences for physical intimacy? (frequency, type, etc.). Does he need/want physical intimacy in his relationship with you to feel loved, and to express his love? What, if anything, is holding him back from him obtaining his ideal physical intimate relationship with you?
These are the questions you need answers to, and they may not come all at once...it is a continual conversation, and the answers can change over time, too.
Think about your answers to these questions. This is not about finding fault, or blaming ourselves for not being attractive enough, or for the male partners in our lives to be called [fill in the blank with derogatory work], but rather, it is about us learning how to talk and listen with each other, and meet each others needs and desires to the best of our abilities, while getting our own needs met (they won't all be met, by the way!). What are you prepared to sacrifice and compromise as well? Are you OK with certain types of physical intimacy to show affection, and not others?
Red flags to look out for: he won't talk with you, puts you down, puts your concerns down, says "it's fine" or just shrugs and when you mention that it's not your ideal situation, he doesn't care about your feelings...these are all red flags not just about your "lack of sex", but about the relationship as a whole. Sure...if he does not feel like talking right now, he can at least tell you when a good time would be, and that you would like him to come to you (so you don't feel like you are "nagging") within the next week to discuss. Both partners need to feel that their concerns are being listened to, understood, and addressed in some way, or there may not be much of a future in the relationship.
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Have you talked with your partner ("my man"..is that your boyfriend, fiance or other?) about your desires and his? Regardless of what the topic is in the relationship that is troubling (sex, money, how we spend free time, etc.), the most important part of a relationship is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other, even when the topic is sensitive or taboo.
We can all guess what it could be...but no one knows except for him and for you...what is going on in the relationship.
The conversation would need to be around a time when you are feeling strong and not as vulnerable, but still able to listen in a caring way. What are his feelings about his sex life with you? Does he like it the way it is? Does he want it to change, ideally? If he would like it to change, what are his preferences for physical intimacy? (frequency, type, etc.). Does he need/want physical intimacy in his relationship with you to feel loved, and to express his love? What, if anything, is holding him back from him obtaining his ideal physical intimate relationship with you?
These are the questions you need answers to, and they may not come all at once...it is a continual conversation, and the answers can change over time, too.
Think about your answers to these questions. This is not about finding fault, or blaming ourselves for not being attractive enough, or for the male partners in our lives to be called [fill in the blank with derogatory work], but rather, it is about us learning how to talk and listen with each other, and meet each others needs and desires to the best of our abilities, while getting our own needs met (they won't all be met, by the way!). What are you prepared to sacrifice and compromise as well? Are you OK with certain types of physical intimacy to show affection, and not others?
Red flags to look out for: he won't talk with you, puts you down, puts your concerns down, says "it's fine" or just shrugs and when you mention that it's not your ideal situation, he doesn't care about your feelings...these are all red flags not just about your "lack of sex", but about the relationship as a whole. Sure...if he does not feel like talking right now, he can at least tell you when a good time would be, and that you would like him to come to you (so you don't feel like you are "nagging") within the next week to discuss. Both partners need to feel that their concerns are being listened to, understood, and addressed in some way, or there may not be much of a future in the relationship.
Just my two cents!
January 17, 2010 - 1:47pmThis Comment
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