He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt...which I would highly recommend reading! See if it gives you any insights or new perspective on your situation. Two of my friends who have their Ph.D.s in Clinical Psychology read this book, and said it has been helpful for some of their female clients (and, honestly, even for themselves).
You can also read an article about this book, found on the USA Today website.
You know what my ultimate advice would be? Be like my younger sister in this scenario. Whether my sister is talking with her roommate, myself, our mom, her boyfriend, boss, co-workers...you name it...she has this "gift" of taking care of herself first, without totally offending people. She rarely is in a situation where she isn't able to be assertive, independent, friendly and a likable/lovable person.
What she does is this (it reminds me of parenting books I've been reading!).
- She sets up expectations with the person ahead of time. ("I'd love to talk, but I have only 5 minutes"). Then, she leaves or hangs up the phone after the 5 minutes. You know those people who keep you on the phone endlessly? She won't allow them to do that to her. At the end of 5 minutes, she doesn't apologize, doesn't make excuses or promises she later regrets...she simply says, "I've enjoyed talking with you, and have to go. Bye!". And hangs up.
Of course she modifies the response and her behavior by relationship (can't say that to the boss, exactly!), but she still maintains control of her behavior..she is ultimately seeing her time and attention as valuable (and she's not self-absorbed, either).
This scenario plays out in all situations. If she's having a great time with a friend or boyfriend, then she continues giving them her time. If she's not enjoying herself, she excuses herself to go home. No apologies. No empty promises. No excuses or reasons. She literally takes herself out of a situation that she doesn't need, or want, to be in.
It's actually shocking, but refreshing at the same time.
Of course, not every situation is "fun" (nor should it be), and she will stay to talk over a disagreement...don't read too much into this.
BUT...I think we can all learn from her:
- Stay with what brings out the best in you; what you have fun doing. What brings you joy. That's including a person, place of thing.
Just think...this simple change in behavior can be very empowering! You don't need to make this HUGE choice whether to stay with a boyfriend, to stay with a job, even to stay in the movie theater watching a bad movie. You can just make a series of smaller behavioral changes, and notice a pattern emerge...the "choice" may become clear and unquestionable.
For instance:
If you are with your boyfriend, and he is not bringing out the best in you--the person you are happy and giddy to be--then leave. Hang up the phone. You've got better things to do. You do. Go home for the day or evening, and see that person the next day or next weekend. If the next time you see that person is good, then stay. If not, then leave.
You'll begin to see a pattern if you have more times when you are leaving, when you are making excuses for their behavior, and have a more clear picture if this person is bringing out the best in you. You can not control someone else's behavior; nor can you "figure out" their thoughts or intentions. All you can control or "figure out" is your behavior and your choices. Take control of the present, the right now, by choosing to be around people and things and places that bring you peace, happiness, joy, meaning and fulfillment.
The other side to this: sure, you'll have some disagreements, arguments and boring conversations with some people who meet the above criteria, but again, it's the frequency that is important also...if only 1 time out of 10 you are happy, laughing and enjoying yourself...is that how you want to spend your days? Is that bringing out the best in you?
Hope this helps...let us know if you read the book, and if it was helpful.
Comment Reply
rylons reminded me of the book:
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt...which I would highly recommend reading! See if it gives you any insights or new perspective on your situation. Two of my friends who have their Ph.D.s in Clinical Psychology read this book, and said it has been helpful for some of their female clients (and, honestly, even for themselves).
You can also read an article about this book, found on the USA Today website.
You know what my ultimate advice would be? Be like my younger sister in this scenario. Whether my sister is talking with her roommate, myself, our mom, her boyfriend, boss, co-workers...you name it...she has this "gift" of taking care of herself first, without totally offending people. She rarely is in a situation where she isn't able to be assertive, independent, friendly and a likable/lovable person.
What she does is this (it reminds me of parenting books I've been reading!).
- She sets up expectations with the person ahead of time. ("I'd love to talk, but I have only 5 minutes"). Then, she leaves or hangs up the phone after the 5 minutes. You know those people who keep you on the phone endlessly? She won't allow them to do that to her. At the end of 5 minutes, she doesn't apologize, doesn't make excuses or promises she later regrets...she simply says, "I've enjoyed talking with you, and have to go. Bye!". And hangs up.
Of course she modifies the response and her behavior by relationship (can't say that to the boss, exactly!), but she still maintains control of her behavior..she is ultimately seeing her time and attention as valuable (and she's not self-absorbed, either).
This scenario plays out in all situations. If she's having a great time with a friend or boyfriend, then she continues giving them her time. If she's not enjoying herself, she excuses herself to go home. No apologies. No empty promises. No excuses or reasons. She literally takes herself out of a situation that she doesn't need, or want, to be in.
It's actually shocking, but refreshing at the same time.
Of course, not every situation is "fun" (nor should it be), and she will stay to talk over a disagreement...don't read too much into this.
BUT...I think we can all learn from her:
- Stay with what brings out the best in you; what you have fun doing. What brings you joy. That's including a person, place of thing.
Just think...this simple change in behavior can be very empowering! You don't need to make this HUGE choice whether to stay with a boyfriend, to stay with a job, even to stay in the movie theater watching a bad movie. You can just make a series of smaller behavioral changes, and notice a pattern emerge...the "choice" may become clear and unquestionable.
For instance:
If you are with your boyfriend, and he is not bringing out the best in you--the person you are happy and giddy to be--then leave. Hang up the phone. You've got better things to do. You do. Go home for the day or evening, and see that person the next day or next weekend. If the next time you see that person is good, then stay. If not, then leave.
You'll begin to see a pattern if you have more times when you are leaving, when you are making excuses for their behavior, and have a more clear picture if this person is bringing out the best in you. You can not control someone else's behavior; nor can you "figure out" their thoughts or intentions. All you can control or "figure out" is your behavior and your choices. Take control of the present, the right now, by choosing to be around people and things and places that bring you peace, happiness, joy, meaning and fulfillment.
The other side to this: sure, you'll have some disagreements, arguments and boring conversations with some people who meet the above criteria, but again, it's the frequency that is important also...if only 1 time out of 10 you are happy, laughing and enjoying yourself...is that how you want to spend your days? Is that bringing out the best in you?
Hope this helps...let us know if you read the book, and if it was helpful.
June 9, 2009 - 12:30pmThis Comment
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