While I wouldn't hold my mother responsible for my illness, I can assure you that some children (I, for instance) find it very disconcerting to have nothing to themselves whatsoever – especially when it's been acknowledged that it would be private and then suddenly this changes upon a whim.
What's also kind of disturbing is when your boundaries aren't respected, but you have to respect everyone else's and when any transgression is met with erratic consequences. It was never 'If you do X, Y happens', but I always knew that were I to do X, something would happen, sometimes appropriate, sometimes not. The same goes for agreements on how long I could stay out, etc. that suddenly weren't valid anymore – without any prior notice. I never needed to test my boundaries, it was already being done for me, believe me.
All it taught me was to be very, very careful around people and not to trust them or depend on them too far – nothing I would see as a cause for my disorder, but something which isn't exactly helpful if you want to recover. I still expect to be turned down, rejected, shouted at in therapy for 'not feeling so well' or to be dismissed without any rhyme or reason to it.
I am sure my mum loved me and still does, I also know she never saw herself as this person and she used to outright refuse to even consider it, but that doesn't make it any less the case. I am glad to say, though, that her emotional well-being and our relationship improved a lot when she decided to start therapy and learn to cope with the, frankly, … shit hand she's been dealt in life.
Do parents willingly 'cause' an ED? No. Can they unwittingly contribute to it? Maybe so. Can they sometimes make it incredibly difficult for their children to recover or to develop enough resiliency to not succumb to it in the first place? Yes! And still, that doesn't mean they are to blame. It does mean, though, that everyone will have to be open and trusting enough to revisit all the old dynamics that have become so normal to all the involved.
So, I think we would have to agree to disagree. :-)
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Dear ja,
While I wouldn't hold my mother responsible for my illness, I can assure you that some children (I, for instance) find it very disconcerting to have nothing to themselves whatsoever – especially when it's been acknowledged that it would be private and then suddenly this changes upon a whim.
What's also kind of disturbing is when your boundaries aren't respected, but you have to respect everyone else's and when any transgression is met with erratic consequences. It was never 'If you do X, Y happens', but I always knew that were I to do X, something would happen, sometimes appropriate, sometimes not. The same goes for agreements on how long I could stay out, etc. that suddenly weren't valid anymore – without any prior notice. I never needed to test my boundaries, it was already being done for me, believe me.
All it taught me was to be very, very careful around people and not to trust them or depend on them too far – nothing I would see as a cause for my disorder, but something which isn't exactly helpful if you want to recover. I still expect to be turned down, rejected, shouted at in therapy for 'not feeling so well' or to be dismissed without any rhyme or reason to it.
I am sure my mum loved me and still does, I also know she never saw herself as this person and she used to outright refuse to even consider it, but that doesn't make it any less the case. I am glad to say, though, that her emotional well-being and our relationship improved a lot when she decided to start therapy and learn to cope with the, frankly, … shit hand she's been dealt in life.
Do parents willingly 'cause' an ED? No. Can they unwittingly contribute to it? Maybe so. Can they sometimes make it incredibly difficult for their children to recover or to develop enough resiliency to not succumb to it in the first place? Yes! And still, that doesn't mean they are to blame. It does mean, though, that everyone will have to be open and trusting enough to revisit all the old dynamics that have become so normal to all the involved.
So, I think we would have to agree to disagree. :-)
The 26-year-old woman from page 1, a.k.a. Hannah
June 9, 2009 - 1:04amThis Comment
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