Hi, Jeninic. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thank you so much for your post. You have a lot going on, and I'm really glad you found us.
I have a couple of questions for you. Did your husband's taking of his job and the reduction in your sex life happen at the same time? Or was the sex life already becoming a problem before he took the job?
While you say you don't expect 7-times-a-day marathons anymore (whew!), what DO you "expect" or what do you wish were to happen? Daily? Twice weekly? Once weekly?
I know that seems odd to pin it down like that, but I'm wondering if you know the answer, and if so, if you've talked to your husband about it. Seems to me that comparing ANYTHING to 7-times-a-day makes it seem completely insufficient, you know? Do you possibly start out conversations with him like that?
You are clearly a smart, loving and analytical woman. He is clearly a hardworking and loving man. But you've known each other a long time, and he's tired from his job, and those factors make it seem easy to just skip the intimacy after a long day. While it sounds like he wants to make love with you, it also sounds like what gets him excited isn't making you happy right now.
You seem to understand and care that he is stressed, he is in pain, and he is tired.
I want to write that again. The two of you have talked about the fact that he is stressed, in pain, and tired.
Stressed.
In pain.
Tired.
That does NOT make for a good love life, whether the person is male or female. Simple desire can't overcome all those things. And because of all this, you are thinking of leaving him.
It feels, to me, that the job needs to go. That's easy for me to say and hard to do in today's job market, I understand. But the job is hurting him and it's getting in the way of your intimacy. That lack of intimacy is hurting you personally in other ways, leading you to think about leaving.
It IS all connected, Jeninic. Just look at the chronology:
-- you're together for 10 years, married for 18 months. Clearly you were happy.
-- he takes a job that he hates, that hurts him and stresses him out.
-- it affects the intimacy between the two of you.
-- the lack of intimacy leaves you feeling hurt, abandoned, and rejected.
-- those feelings lead you to see motivations that don't seem to be there -- for instance, whether he's being passive aggressive or just understanding regarding when to start a family.
-- the job is making him crazy.
-- the emotions are making you crazy.
-- and simple things that didn't used to get on your nerves (the menu, for instance) are now getting on your nerves.
it all adds up. but if you peel the onion back, layer by layer, it all seems to go back to the job, which you say he took on for the two of you. And you feel guilty for that, which makes you feel defensive for even wanting more than you're getting.
Am I sort of getting it right?
Do you really want to leave him, or do you just want better days ahead?
There is no wrong answer.
If you just want better days ahead, it sounds like you're going to have to wait out the job or he's going to have to leave the job and find another.
If you really want to leave him, it's difficult, I know, but at least you didn't start a family yet.
Is couples counseling a possibility here? Even though it sounds like the two of you do a good job communicating with one another, the cool thing about couples counseling is that there's an objective person in the room. The counselor listens, suggests, and guides. It's easier to talk, sometimes, when you feel that you're being heard by someone new, someone educated in the field who can understand the stress you feel.
Honestly, if nothing else changed, is it just the sex life that's bugging you? Or all those other things underneath?
Please know that I don't know you and that I totally realize these are just questions and assumptions on my part. But you're a good person who's genuinely hurting, and it sounds like your husband is a good guy too, and I'd love it if you can find some support here with us and take baby steps toward solving the problems here.
Does any of that help? Can you write back and tell us any more?
Comment Reply
Hi, Jeninic. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thank you so much for your post. You have a lot going on, and I'm really glad you found us.
I have a couple of questions for you. Did your husband's taking of his job and the reduction in your sex life happen at the same time? Or was the sex life already becoming a problem before he took the job?
While you say you don't expect 7-times-a-day marathons anymore (whew!), what DO you "expect" or what do you wish were to happen? Daily? Twice weekly? Once weekly?
I know that seems odd to pin it down like that, but I'm wondering if you know the answer, and if so, if you've talked to your husband about it. Seems to me that comparing ANYTHING to 7-times-a-day makes it seem completely insufficient, you know? Do you possibly start out conversations with him like that?
You are clearly a smart, loving and analytical woman. He is clearly a hardworking and loving man. But you've known each other a long time, and he's tired from his job, and those factors make it seem easy to just skip the intimacy after a long day. While it sounds like he wants to make love with you, it also sounds like what gets him excited isn't making you happy right now.
You seem to understand and care that he is stressed, he is in pain, and he is tired.
I want to write that again. The two of you have talked about the fact that he is stressed, in pain, and tired.
Stressed.
In pain.
Tired.
That does NOT make for a good love life, whether the person is male or female. Simple desire can't overcome all those things. And because of all this, you are thinking of leaving him.
It feels, to me, that the job needs to go. That's easy for me to say and hard to do in today's job market, I understand. But the job is hurting him and it's getting in the way of your intimacy. That lack of intimacy is hurting you personally in other ways, leading you to think about leaving.
It IS all connected, Jeninic. Just look at the chronology:
-- you're together for 10 years, married for 18 months. Clearly you were happy.
-- he takes a job that he hates, that hurts him and stresses him out.
-- it affects the intimacy between the two of you.
-- the lack of intimacy leaves you feeling hurt, abandoned, and rejected.
-- those feelings lead you to see motivations that don't seem to be there -- for instance, whether he's being passive aggressive or just understanding regarding when to start a family.
-- the job is making him crazy.
-- the emotions are making you crazy.
-- and simple things that didn't used to get on your nerves (the menu, for instance) are now getting on your nerves.
it all adds up. but if you peel the onion back, layer by layer, it all seems to go back to the job, which you say he took on for the two of you. And you feel guilty for that, which makes you feel defensive for even wanting more than you're getting.
Am I sort of getting it right?
Do you really want to leave him, or do you just want better days ahead?
There is no wrong answer.
If you just want better days ahead, it sounds like you're going to have to wait out the job or he's going to have to leave the job and find another.
If you really want to leave him, it's difficult, I know, but at least you didn't start a family yet.
Is couples counseling a possibility here? Even though it sounds like the two of you do a good job communicating with one another, the cool thing about couples counseling is that there's an objective person in the room. The counselor listens, suggests, and guides. It's easier to talk, sometimes, when you feel that you're being heard by someone new, someone educated in the field who can understand the stress you feel.
Honestly, if nothing else changed, is it just the sex life that's bugging you? Or all those other things underneath?
Please know that I don't know you and that I totally realize these are just questions and assumptions on my part. But you're a good person who's genuinely hurting, and it sounds like your husband is a good guy too, and I'd love it if you can find some support here with us and take baby steps toward solving the problems here.
Does any of that help? Can you write back and tell us any more?
June 12, 2009 - 8:41amThis Comment
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